Marion Barry's Delightful New Crack-Money Scheme Revealed
America's Mayor(tm) and current City Councilman Marion Barry has a great new idea to make commuters hate DC even more: He wants toll booths on the district's borders with Maryland and Virginia so you would have to pay a toll every time you drop into this hellhole for another crushing eight-hour day.
According to WTOP, "Barry did not suggest a place* for the tolls." Well, we'll just go ahead and make a crazy suggestion: Roads. Put the toll booths on roads, preferably the part of the road that is near the border with Virginia or Maryland. You're welcome, Marion! (Could you get us some regular coke? Just leave it under the Washington Times on our doorstep -- nobody ever takes that.)
Barry also made the bizarre claim that if you had to pay a quarter to drive into Washington, the District would suddenly have the same new infrastructure as Reston, which is a fancy suburb that was built like five years ago. Do not listen to this man. Washington's infrastructure was built 200 years ago and immediately burned down by the British. Other than occasional additional burnings since, no work has been done on this place. Your quarter isn't going to help.
* The actual quote says "price," not "place." Your co-editor was working outside in the daylight and mis-read this. Now the whole joke is blown ... unless we just change it to "place," which we did, the end.