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Massive Pro-Immigration Rallies To Be Ignored Nationwide Tomorrow

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YIKES DEPORT DEPORT DEPORT!Immigration-reform rallies will be held in some 80 cities tomorrow, with many thousands of people expected to protest just at Lafayette Square behind the White House. So why will these May Day demonstrations be ignored by the Main Stream Media? There are many good reasons!


  • They won't look as stupid as teabaggers. Lacking tri-corner Olde Hatts and misspelled signs with racist slogans, the somber immigration rallies just don't make "good teevee" in this era of constant reality freak-show entertainment. Plus, it's embarrassing to send Brit Hume or whoever out to a rally -- who wants to make eye contact with your gardener and nanny out in public?
  • It's White House Correspondents banquet weekend! So many parties! Who wants to go cover news when there's a 24-hour reach-around to attend?! And if those Mexicans skip dishwashing or valet-lot duty during WHCA dinner-party-time, there will be HELL TO PAY.
  • The Kentucky Derby! Rich southern America's favorite remembrance of slavery takes place on Sunday! Approximately one million reporters with television crews will descend upon Churchill Downs in order to "cover" a two-minute gambling event. Who will win?! A dead sport with no audience the rest of the year, horse racing nonetheless becomes a National Media Sensation for a few hours each year, simply because it's a habit for the press. Mint juleps, etc.!
  • OIL SPILL! If you're not in DC trying to get a trophy lick off Jay Leno's sweaty corporate nutsack or knocking over old men in Colonel Sanders' costumes to get a glance at Gwyneth Paltrow at the Derby, you -- as a media professional -- will be doing standups along the Gulf Coast somewhere, anywhere, really, with water behind you. The Gulf always looks dirty anyway, so who cares if the shot is off your motel balcony in the Florida Panhandle. That's the Gulf, right?

So, proud and dignified May Day protesters, that's why nobody's going to cover your boring 80 rallies everywhere. But if you poop on an American Flag and then burn it, you might get on the Fox News at least! [LA Times]

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We know, the thing we said in our headline is a thing you can say every day, but it's really intense today, maybe because Donald Trump is now filled with fear of the inescapable reality that millions of Americans who have not read the Mueller Report are going to see Robert Mueller testify on live TV on July 17, and Donald Trump will be exposed. Maybe the Big Mac vending machine next to his golden toilet is on the fritz and he hasn't had gotten to eat a Big Mac on the poop chair since last night. Maybe he's just a weak and sad person, a collection of shithole cells God meant to throw in the garbage, but accidentally implanted in Mary Trump's turkey incubator. We imagine that'd lead to a pretty constant state of anxiety and ennui.

Whatever it is, he's totally fucked right now. We were going to write a nice post about Trump's batshit interview on Fox Business with Maria Bartiromo, but we were busy, and by the time we got to it, he had performed so many batshit feats that we're just going to stick them all in this one post.

Let's start with the fight he's trying to wage with US soccer star Megan Rapinoe, who in a now-viral video stated that she has no fuckin' interest in going to the White House to meet that idiot. He got into a quarrel with her on Twitter ... or at least with a Twitter account that didn't belong to her. It's now been replaced, in order that the adult president may shit-tweet at the soccer superstar who hurt his feelings, but Splinter grabbed the original:

The rant continued:

Right. And Megan Rapinoe just said win or lose, she has no interest in meeting your crusty ass, because no decent American would consider that an honor.

Besides, she has already been to the White House to meet a legitimately elected president:

By the by, the owner of the incorrect Megan Rapinoe account saw Trump's whining and told him to grow a dick and set it on fire:

Ya burnt!

But as we said, it was a whole day of batshit from Trump, so let's continue.

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DING DONG THE WITCH IS ... quite likely to land on her feet. But for today, the New York Times reports Dana Loesch is out of a job, the latest casualty in the war between the NRA and its longtime advertising company Ackerman McQueen. But every cloud has a silver bullet lining, since Dana will have more free time now to spend on her favorite hobby. We can't wait to see which cartoon character she photoshops Klan hoods onto next. Maybe she'll branch out and start putting Nazi armbands onto Buzz Lightyear. Oh, we would be so triggered!

As one of the most visible characters on NRATV with literal hundreds of viewers for each of her fascist rants, Dana Loesch was a tireless advocate for the gunhumpers lobby, always ready to call out "tragedy dry-humping whores," threatening to "fist" or perhaps "fisk" the New York Times, and expressing her hope that the Mueller Report would die in an "AIDS fire."

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