Close your eyes and count to "balls," it's time for the Matt Gaetz peenerweener update!

The word of the day is "Bahamas." Investigators are reportedly looking into whether Gaetz might have transported someone/s across international lines to BAMAHAS for sex, while on a trip with HAND SURGEON and MARIJUANA ENTREPRENEUR. (Same guy, who is both surgeon of hands and entrepreneur of marijuanas.)

Dr. Handjob McWeedPot, that is what we'll call him — helllooooo, if you are a hand surgeon you by definition perform hand jobs — is actually named Jason Pirozzolo, and according to CBS News, he "allegedly paid for the travel expenses, accommodations, and female escorts" for the trip with Gaetz, which allegedly happened in "late 2018 or early 2019." Were escorts taken to the Bahamas specifically for purposes related to Matt Gaetz's unseemly dong? That is what CBS says investigators want to know.

"Traveling across state lines is what creates a federal hook for a prosecution," Arlo Devlin-Brown, a former prosecutor and partner at Covington & Burling, said in a report that aired on the "CBS Evening News with Norah O'Donnell." "It doesn't matter that [Gaetz] personally paid them as long as he knows someone is doing that."

So it doesn't matter if Matt Gaetz personally CashApped everything. If he knew Dr. Handjob was footing the bill, if he was aware of that, and if escorts were literally being transported to conduct intercourse with the congressman, that is the issue. DID DR. HANDJOB BUY THE SEXCORTS FOR MATT GAETZ?


Gaetz, of course, very huffily denies any and everything, through his spokesperson, no not the one who suddenly resigned last week:

In a statement to CBS News, a spokesperson from Gaetz's office said: "Rep. Gaetz has never paid for sex, nor has he had sex with an underage girl. What began with blaring headlines about 'sex trafficking' has now turned into a general fishing exercise about vacations and consensual relationships with adults. Yesterday, we even learned of some nonsense 'pardon' story that turned out to be false, and today it's just more euphemism. It's interesting to watch the Washington wheels grinding so hard every time one of their falsehoods gets knocked down."

As we just said, if Dr. Handjob paid the bills and Gaetz knew that, there's still a problem. The rest of that statement is crap, the pardon story has not "turned out to be false" just because Donald Trump, paragon of truth, denied it. Just shut up. If the receipts exist, we'll all see them when they come out.

CBS News reports that there's another angle here, where if Dr. Handjob was paying escorts in exchange for access and/or favors, that could be a federal crime. Reportedly Gaetz was doing some things very in line with the good doctor's interests:

In a July 2018 podcast, Pirozzolo told Ganjapreneur.com that Gaetz was working to introduce federal legislation that would boost medical research of cannabis.

"In fact, Congressman Matt Gaetz is in the process of working on legislation up in Washington, D.C., that will help facilitate research on the nationwide level. And we should see a lot of good benefit from them," Pirozzolo said in the podcast. "We've got Congressmen that are actually dealing with this federal legislation right now."

Gaetz introduced the Medical Cannabis Research Act in April 2018 and again in January 2019, though it never came to a vote.

So there's that. Apparently Gaetz has been a frequent speaker at Dr. Handjob's medical marijuana events, as well. Roger Stone was even at one of them. So ... best people!

Speaking of, here's the good doctor palling around with some more best people:

So those are the general parameters of that new wang of the story.

In related Gaetz news, you should really read Politico on "The congressman and his wingman," about how close Gaetz really is to Joel Greenberg, the currently jailed former Seminole County tax collector — refresh yourself on his batshit right here and then read the entire Politico article — out of whose federal investigation the Gaetz investigation reportedly sprang. If you couldn't tell by looking at their douche faces, they're a lot alike:

Thirty-something scions of wealthy families, Gaetz and Greenberg were elected to their respective offices during the first Trump wave that swept Florida in 2016 and became close friends because of their shared interest in brash populist politics, cryptocurrencies and attractive young women.

They like their populist politics like they like their women: paid for with cryptocurrencies! (Just kidding, we don't know if that's a true statement they'd make, we just thought those three things together were funny, just like Matt Gaetz, Dr. Handjob, and the Bahamas.)

Shot:

"Joel idolized Matt," said one mutual friend, who declined to be named. "And since they both loved beautiful women and Joel seemed to have endless access to them, it was definitely an additional incentive for Matt to stick around. Also, Joel is one of the funnest people you can hang out with."

The two shared more than one girlfriend, according to interviews with eight friends and associates who know the two men.

Chaser:

Now some suspect Greenberg might be cooperating with prosecutors to build a case against Gaetz.

Ruh-roh.

As Politico reminds us, one of the myriad charges against Greenberg is that he "engaged in a sexual relationship with a minor and, using his special access to a federal ID system as tax collector, 'obtained, disclosed, transferred, and used personal information of individuals … including individuals with whom [he] was engaged in 'sugar daddy' relationships.'"

Also, Greenberg allegedly "created fake driver's licenses featuring his face but the personal information of others — including a man with a Puerto Rico driver's license — that he used 'to facilitate his efforts to engage in commercial sex acts.'" And the Gaetz investigation, again, came out of the Greenberg investigation.

So that's where that all is!

This has been your daily visit with Matt Gaetz's dick, please visit the haz-mat station on your way out.

[CBS News / Politico]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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