Matt Gaetz Is Not A Criminal Sex Monk, OK?

Matt Gaetz can't stop, won't stop talking. Although he should really shut the fuck up, for the love of God, man.

"Washington scandal cycles are predictable, and sex is especially potent in politics. Let me first remind everyone that I am a representative in Congress, not a monk, and certainly not a criminal," Congressman Blabbercock writes in an editorial in today's Washington Examiner.

In an Olympic feat of whataboutism, he then goes on to blame Nancy Pelosi, Andrew Cuomo, Chris Cuomo, CNN, Politico, the New York Times, Liz Cheney, the "Biden Justice Department," "Merrick Garland's Justice Department," Bill Kristol, the Lincoln Project, and "the Beltway" for his current troubles.

How do you attack Meghan McCain as part of the same nefarious cabal of "they" that smeared her father John McCain during the 2000 presidential campaign by alleging he'd secretly fathered a Black child? Dunno, but it's apparently her fault too, somehow.


Just as they once falsely attacked President Donald Trump as a Russian asset, Justice Brett Kavanaugh as a gang rapist, and even John McCain as having fathered a child out of wedlock, they now attack me. [...]

Predictably, the anti-Trump cheerleaders such as Meghan McCain, Bill Kristol, and sadly, some of my feckless colleagues in Congress are going to call for me to resign.

Truly Matt Gaetz contains multitudes.

"Nancy Pelosi once defended President Bill Clinton after he got an intern to fellate him in the Oval Office. But when it comes to the allegation that I, a grown man, paid for an adult girlfriend's expenses? Well, consider that a bridge too far for the power-hungry hypocrites," he fumes indignantly.

Gaetz has been accused of paying women for sex via CashApp and telling them to describe the payments as reimbursements for dinner and hotel rooms. But according to the congressman, those reports are to be entirely disregarded because the women haven't come forward to accuse him publicly. Of course, speaking publicly about an ongoing federal criminal investigation would be totally inappropriate. But, uhhh,something somethingJoe Biden Merrick Garland Justice Department Witch Hunt. And please don't ask how Joe Biden managed to start this investigation months before he took office, because everyone knows linear time is just part of the dirty liberal DC media swamp.

Gaetz, who has similarly been accused of showing his colleagues pictures of naked women on the floor of the House, is very hot to let everyone know he was a total player — "My lifestyle of yesteryear may be different from how I live now, but it was not and is not illegal." That's right, he doesn't just contain multitudes, he reportedly allegedly claims to have SCREWED multitudes! Legally!

"I, as an adult man, have not slept with a 17-year-old," he insists, while reminding us all that he was totally cool with former Rep. Katie Hill's "throuple." But these days he says he's "really enjoying my current embrace of monogamy."

Raise your hand if you want to think about Matt Gaetz's wienerpeener and and its "current embrace of monogamy."

Sorry about your lunch, kids!

Gaetz insists he's not resigning because I KNOW YOU ARE, BUT WHAT AM I?

"This is how D.C. works," he huffs. "The guilty and wrong point fingers at the innocent and right. Remember President Joe Biden's Ukraine scandal? Or the Lincoln Project's professions of moral superiority? Their scorn and moral posturing is all merely projection."

And when "they" attack him, they're really attacking YOU, brave patriot.

You'll see more "drip, drip, drip" of leaks into the media from the corrupt Justice Department and others. When you do, ask yourself why. They aren't coming for me — they are coming for you. I'm just in the way.

As for me? I'm going to fight like hell for my constituents and the country I deeply love. You deserve no less, especially right now.

Okay, Rep. Horndog.

Keep hiding behind a wounded veteran as your own comms director runs screaming for the hills. We'll be over here waiting for the next shoe to drop. Gaetz's good buddy Joel Greenberg is facing decades in prison on eleventy-seven federal charges so maybe it won't take long.



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Liz Dye

Liz Dye lives in Baltimore with her wonderful husband and a houseful of teenagers. When she isn't being mad about a thing on the internet, she's hiding in plain sight in the carpool line. She's the one wearing yoga pants glaring at her phone.


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