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Matt Gaetz, CALL YOUR LAWYER! Or call your mother so she can ground you and take away your phone. Or maybe call a plumber to caulk your stupid mouth shut, for the love of God.

In just minutes, the entire internet will glue its collective finger to the refresh key for Evan's liveblog of Michael Cohen's testimony to the House Oversight Committee. On the eve of that testimony, Florida Congressman Matt Gaetz tweeted this at the witness:

Hey @MichaelCohen212 - Do your wife and father-in-law know about your girlfriends? Maybe tonight would be a good time for that chat. I wonder if she'll remain faithful when you're in prison. She's about to learn a lot...

Wow! That sounds a lot like witness intimidation. Only to prove it, you'd have to prove intent to intimidate, and a congressman who went to IRL law school would nev---

REPORTER: Congressman, does your tweet amount to witness tampering?

GAETZ: Absolutely not. It's witness testing. When people come before the Congress with an intent to perpetuate their continuous lies, we have an opportunity and I would say an obligation to test who those people lie to.

Oh, JFC! "Witness testing" is not a thing. But thanks, Congressman, for making sure to explicitly connect your statement with Mr. Cohen's upcoming testimony. You could easily have mumbled something about the Speech or Debate Clause and wandered off. It would have been total bullshit, since, among other reasons, you tweeted from your personal Florida Man account, not the official Crazyass Florida Voters one.

But instead you offered up a threat to expose embarrassing secrets about a congressional witness if he appears before the House, even answering the phone when a reporter from the The Daily Beast called to ask if you had lost your damn mind, ALLEGEDLY:

"No," he stressed, "it is challenging the veracity and character of a witness. We do it everyday. We typically do it during people's testimony."

"This is what it looks like to compete in the marketplace of ideas," he added.

We'll say this for Matt Gaetz, he does give good quote! But in fact he was not questioning Cohen's veracity. If he'd said, "Michael Cohen is a damn, dirty liar, and you can't believe a word he says!" that would have been questioning the witness's character. Threatening to out him for adulterous affairs so that his wife cheats on him while he's in jail is NOT forcing him to "compete in the marketplace of ideas," whatever the hell that's supposed to mean. It's blackmail.

Which someone clearly pointed out to Congressman Florida Man, since he immediately dragged his big head into the well of the House to defend his God-given right to threaten to expose a philanderer if he comes before Congress to testify about paying hush money to the porn star who had unprotected sex with Donald Trump while his third wife was home with their newborn son.

Rep. Matt Gaetz Repeats Cohen Threat on House Floor: ‘Does He Lie to His Own Family?’ www.youtube.com

Good job, Matty! This time you remembered to call the guy a liar and insist that, somehow, Cohen's infidelity is relevant to his character in a way that Donald Trump's is not. Your law professors at William and Mary are ... still horrified, we're guessing. But at least you managed to talk your smack on the House floor, so, YOU'RE DOING GREAT SWEETIE!

To which Speaker Pelosi retorted, SON, YOUR RABBI HAS LEFT THE BUILDING.

New Jersey Congressman Bill Pascrell stands ready to make a referral to the newly resuscitated House Ethics Committee, while Judiciary Chair Jerry Nadler can't be bothered "to waste time responding to every stupid thing that Matt Gaetz says." Which is a fair point -- there are only so many hours in the day, and no one has time to be mopping up Gaetz's chronic verbal diarrhea.

So it fell to young Matt to mop up his own shit.

Good luck getting that toothpaste back in the tube, big fella! But where might a hard drinkin' congressman from Florida have come by this intel on Michael Cohen's personal life? And why is he bringing up the guy's father-in-law?

Yeah, that was a rhetorical question. Donald Trump has been explicitly lobbying the Justice Department to go after Cohen's family for months, and clearly he's drafted Rep. Quietparts Loud to the cause. So today when Michael Cohen shows up with canceled checks showing that Donald Trump reimbursed him in 2017 for the Stormy Daniels payoff, Matt Gaetz will respond by shouting "PENIS PENIS PENIS! FATHER-IN-LAW!"

Only, actually he won't. Because this dipshit went out there and threatened Cohen, and he doesn't even sit on the House Oversight Committee. So Jim Jordan and Mark Meadows will undoubtedly try to pants Cohen by asking about his personal life, but Matty G won't get to say a damn thing. So, big Mazal Tov to the Congressman on finally finding a way to shut the hell up!

THESE PEOPLE ARE SO GODDAMN STUPID, IT'S EXHAUSTING.

[Daily Beast]

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Five Dollar Feminist

Your FDF lives in Baltimore under an assumed identity as an upstanding member of the PTA. Shhh, don't tell anyone she makes swears on the internet!

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Once upon a time... about ten years ago, a group of entirely ridiculous men burst onto the scene wearing stupid hats and telling men that wearing stupid hats and telling men that walking up to women in bars and insulting ("negging") them would get them laid. This did not last long, as women also had televisions and computers and were completely aware of these tricks as well, so when some ass came up to us in a bar and said "Hey, nice nails, are they real?" we would laugh and laugh and loudly announce "Oh my god, this guy just tried to neg me! Can you believe that shit? HEY EVERYONE, THIS GUY JUST TRIED TO NEG ME!" and then refer to him as "Mystery" the whole night.

Most of the men who tried that shit only did so a few times before realizing that it wasn't going to work, and thus moved on to other things. Perhaps things that did not involve furry hats and coming off as a huge creep. We may never know, because I would assume that those who tried it are now extremely embarrassed and would never, ever admit to this to us.

Still, there were a few men willing to eat that shit up, as well as some grifters willing to take advantage of that. Said grifters tended to be extremely misogynistic and seemed more like they were teaching men how to be as despised by women as they were than teaching them how to actually be liked by women.

Some of them, like Roosh V, a creepy weirdo who actually does live in his mom's basement, actively encouraged men to rape women who were intoxicated to the point of being obviously unable to consent.

However, even that branch of the PUA tree is wilting away. Many "self-help" style PUA forums like Nextasf and RSDnation are shutting down or have already shut down. In March, Chateau Heartiste, a batshit crazy PUA turned White Nationalist/Alt-Right blog was shut down by Wordpress. This week, rape advocate Roosh V (whom you may recall once called yours truly a "Wonkette typist/clown face, would not bang") announced that he was renouncing his PUA ways and devoting himself to Jesus. He explained to the forum he manages that he would no longer be allowing anyone to discuss premarital "fornication."

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'Baby Geniuses' star Jon Voight took to Twitter early this morning to proclaim his undying love for Donald Trump, probably because there is no one left in his life who will listen to him talk about this, or anything else, in person. In this video rant, Voight encouraged members of the Republican Party, whom he apparently thinks are the only real citizens of the United States, to stand by Donald Trump and "acknowledge the truth" that he is the best President since Abraham Lincoln.


Part ONE:

People of the Republican Party, I know you will agree with me when I say our president has our utmost respect and our love. This job is not easy. For he's battling the left and their absurd words of destruction. I've said this once and I'll say this again. That our nation has been built on the solid ground from our forefathers, and there is a moral code of duty that has been passed on from President Lincoln. I'm here today to acknowledge the truth, and I'm here today to tell you my fellow Americans that our country…

Oh no, not our absurd words of destruction!

Part DEUX:

is stronger, safer, and with more jobs because our President has made his every move correct. Don't be fooled by the political left, because we are the people of this nation that is witnessing triumph. So let us stand with our president. Let us stand up for this truth, that President Trump is the greatest president since President Lincoln.

Does Jon Voight not know there have been... other presidents? Can he name them? Because really, it does not sound like it. Does he also not know that a very big chunk of the Republican Party actually does not care very much for Abraham Lincoln? Namely those defenders of Confederate statues that Trump called "very fine people?" Also, did he intentionally diss their beloved Ronald Reagan?

Who can know? Who can even tell what he is trying to say or why he is trying to say it. He doesn't appear to have tweeted much since 2016, so I'm guessing whoever's job it was to keep him from tanking his career quit. Either that... or after filming the seventh season of Ray Donovan, he found out it's going to be canceled or his character is getting killed off or something and he is now free to be a jackass? I don't know, I haven't watched the show, although my parents are very into it and mad that I haven't watched it. Literally all I know about it is that it has something to do with Boston, because they keep mentioning that to me like it's a selling point.

It seems useless at this point to note that the people who scream their faces off about how bad it is for Hollywood celebs to support liberal causes, and how they should keep their politics to themselves, etc. etc. make a way bigger deal than normal people do whenever a Big Time Hollywood Celebrity like Jon Voight or, uh, Scott Baio, supports their cause. Mostly because they're the only ones who have elected a reality TV star and the star of Bedtime for Bonzo (who by the way, also once practically ruined a perfectly good Bette Davis movie with his bad acting. Which is not to say that Dark Victory is not fantastic and probably the best thing to watch if you want to sob your face off, but he was very bad in it.) to run the country.

But we might as well do that anyway, because it actually never stops being funny.

[Jon Voight Twitter]

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