Let's take a break from talking about Rep. Matt Gaetz's errant wiener and talk about what a raging dick that guy is, shall we? Because Politico just dropped a hair-raising piece about the Florida congressman's efforts to get the Justice Department to ratfuck the 2020 election, which is hilarious, and also HOLY SHIT, THINK ABOUT HOW CLOSE WE CAME!

Our story starts in August of 2018 when President Trump nominated Matt Gaetz's former law partner Larry Keefe to be US Attorney for the Northern District of Florida. How much harm could one US Attorney from Florida do, you are wondering? Dunno, ask Jeffrey Epstein's victims.

Flash forward to summer of 2020, when Republicans were already cooking up plans to cry "electoral fraud" in an effort to sell their Big Lie that the election was somehow stolen from Donald Trump. Keefe, as a consummate, non-partisan professional (haha, fear makes us silly), was hot to launch an investigation of supposed fraud in Florida. But not, of course, in his own, white backyard.


Here, have a map.

See, Keefe's patch is that pink bit where they keep a lot of Republicans. But in the yellow part and especially the blue part, there are a whole lot of Democrats, and Keefe was very hot to find a way to get jurisdiction over Miami-Dade, Broward, and Palm Beach counties, where he was sure there was fuckery afoot.

So he and Matt Gaetz put their giant heads together and came up with A PLAN. What if vote fraud that starts in Miami actually takes place in Tallahassee, because votes get certified in the state capital? Wouldn't that give Keefe statewide jurisdiction, since Tallahassee is in the pink bit?

Yeah, say it to yourself out loud, see how stupid you sound. Seriously, this was the plan these two dipshits cooked up, and Gaetz didn't even deny it when Politico reached out to him.

Gaetz described Keefe's view of the law this way: Since presidential electors are certified in state capital cities, any harm related to their fraudulent certification would be caused there — meaning the U.S. attorneys whose districts included those cities should have the authority to investigate those crimes.

The problem was that the rest of the DOJ took one look at this horseshit and laughed Keefe out of the room. The Public Integrity Section at Main Justice would have had to sign off, and they weren't touching this one with a ten foot pole. So Gaetz went directly to that legal scholar in the Oval Office, who said that it all sounded very cool and very legal to him.

"I said to him that an appreciation for the Keefe position on venue would give good U.S. attorneys in every capitol city the necessary jurisdiction to root out fraud," Gaetz told Politico. "I also shared with President Trump that Keefe had faced substantial resistance from the Department of Justice."

And it worked. Trump leaned on the Justice Department to enact this radical interpretation of federal jurisdiction that would have empowered US Attorneys whose districts included the state capital to launch election investigations in other districts.

Bill Barr was PISSED.

"If I ever hear of you talking to Gaetz or any other congressman again about business before the Department, I am going to fucking fire your ass," Barr said, according to one of Politico's sources.

AG Opus Dei getting all cussy mouthed was a shock to the delicate flowers at Politico, who titled the story "Matt Gaetz sparked William Barr to drop the f-bomb in a legal spat over Florida voting." But we at this profane little mommyblog are more concerned that these filthy fuckers got so close to weaponizing the Justice Department to investigate non-existent claims of vote fraud.

Naturally, Gaetz blamed the Deep State.

"I am unaware of any discussion Barr had with Keefe," he said, "but I did get a message from Keefe subsequent to my meeting in the Oval wherein Keefe said he was not going to be able to discuss these matters with me, and I got the sense that the politics of the Department of Justice were such that they did not want U.S. attorneys looking for election fraud in this type of very proactive way."

UH HUH.

And we're going to spare you a discussion of Gaetz's sex life for today, other than to note that his little buddy Joel Greenberg first got indicted in June of 2020, i.e. right about the time Gaetz and Keefe were cahootsing to come up with their "proactive" jurisdiction plan. So the odds are pretty good that senior leadership at the DOJ knew that Gaetz was perilously close to finding himself in the Department's crosshairs, particularly since the congressman had been caught on camera making an after hours visit to the Seminole County Tax Office with Greenberg, who was about to get indicted for processing fake IDs.

We made it out alive. But just barely.

[Politico]

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Liz Dye

Liz Dye lives in Baltimore with her wonderful husband and a houseful of teenagers. When she isn't being mad about a thing on the internet, she's hiding in plain sight in the carpool line. She's the one wearing yoga pants glaring at her phone.

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