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Deputy Assistant Secretary of Defense Laura Cooper was about to start testifying behind closed doors -- in a SCIF -- for the committees leading the impeachment inquiry of Donald Trump, the first sitting Trump administration official from Defense to do so. (How's that NO CURRENT OFFICIALS ARE ALLOWED TO TESTIFY, BY DECREE OF TRUMP! letter workin' out for you, Pat Cipollone?)

But instead a bunch of Congress's frumpiest-ass-dumbass Republicans from the Freedom Caucus, led by Matt Gaetz, bashed their way into the room to yell stuff and things about UNFAIR! and WITCH HUNT! and WHIIIIIIIINE! Their grievance is that Adam Schiff is not being very "transparency" by having these meetings behind closed doors where Republicans can't even manufacture shitshows, and where Republicans who don't sit on the committees leading the impeachment inquiry aren't even allowed to attend. THE HORRORS! House Intelligence Committee chair Adam Schiff answered all these yapping dildoes' complaints in a letter last week, but we guess they didn't read it.

Trump has been mewling about how Republicans aren't doing enough to save his orange scaly ass from impeachment. Clearly this is one of the House Freedom Caucus's ways of giving Trump nut-rubs and reassuring him that they have his back. Indeed, Trump met with a bunch of these idiots at the White House yesterday and was totally in to Republicans doing this today! Thought it would help. Thinks if the transcripts of the depositions come out, it will "exonerate" him. YOU BETCHA!

We'd call today's festivities a Brooks Brothers riot on Capitol Hill, except for again, these are frumpy people. Matt Gaetz always wears that fucked up ugly suit, and the rest of the Freedom Caucus isn't much fancier. Hell, Jim Jordan can barely be bothered to put on clean underwear before he goes a-Congressin', much less put on an expensive suit. Oh yeah, also the Brooks Brothers riot that stopped the Florida recount in 2000 was successful. This is merely gonna leave skidmarks all over the halls of Congress.

So let's call it the Burlington Coat Factory/Ross Dress For Less Riot of 2019.


Before they started mounting the barricades, Gaetz and his talking wet farts held an impromptu presser to explain their grievances. Here, have a video:

Rep. Gaetz, Freedom Caucus hold a 'transparency' press conference www.youtube.com

This has been Gaetz's stunt ever since the impeachment inquiry began. Try to achieve entry into a hearing being thrown by a committee he doesn't sit on, get denied, then caterwaul about TRANSPARENCY and some such shit. It's tiresome. Today he managed to bring a couple dozen friends. They had the blessing of House Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy. Just FYI, in case you were wondering what a fucking assclown that guy is.

And ohhhhhhhh, did they cause a ruckus! A fracas, a dither, their hue and their cry! They yelled about how not being allowed into hearings for committees they're not on was "Soviet." Louie Gohmert completed a fully formed "Hee Haw" audition, sounds like, as he stomped his feet and clapped his hands at the Democratic members of Congress attempting to begin their hearing.

They tried to film the proceedings. Inside a SCIF. Even though a while back, many of these same Republicans voted to ban filming on the public House floor. Guess it's different when Republicans are trying to save a lawless shitmouthed president from DEEEP STAAAAAAAATE!

Some of the Republicans are still there, over three hours into the proceedings. They have ordered pizza!

"They're a bunch of brave freedom fighters having pizza in a secure conference room," complained Rep. Tom Malinowski (D-NJ).

Democratic Rep. Ted Lieu noted that it's interesting they're doing this the day after the devastating testimony from Ambassador Bill Taylor, which may well have put the impeachment of Trump into overdrive.

Gaetz was VERY proud of himself for taking all his frumpy mouth-breathing pals up to the SCIF to try to steal impeachment secrets, so he tweeted about it. Presumably at some point after that, somebody reminded him it's fucking NOT OK and a massive breach of national security to tweet from inside a SCIF, so either the good congressman or somebody on his staff appended "tweet from staff," because that makes it all better now.

GOP Rep. Mark Walker also appears to have had the same realization, so he tweeted out DURRRRRRR MY STAFF in solidarity with Gaetz:

To be clear, there are strict rules for who can be in a SCIF, and there are serious consequences for abusing such a facility. So really it's on brand that all these dipshits brought their cell phones anyway.

At one point, Rep. K. Michael Conaway (R-Texas), a senior member of the House Intelligence Committee, started to collect the Republicans' phones, appearing to realize having the electronics there was a bad idea, [Democratic Rep. Gerald] Connolly said.

Here is a really good thread on why breaching a SCIF with your cell phone is such a serious offense. And again, Kevin McCarthy and Trump supported this!

GOP Rep. Andy Biggs tweeted from inside:

Truly a MENSA meeting for the ages.

So was this all for show, or are these guys serious? Hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha, shut up.

As we said, Adam Schiff clearly explained the rules of the impeachment inquiry last week in a letter to his colleagues. Republicans are not being shut out, and indeed, for those Republicans who sit on the committees in question, they have all kinds of rights. They have equal time to question witnesses, from members, staff and counsel. But of course, if you're not on the fucking committees doing the impeachment inquiry, whether you are a Republican or a Democrat, you do not get carte blanche to battering ram your way into a SCIF and eavesdrop like one of the president's Russian handlers. (Allegedly!)

For the record, here is a tweet that lists out all the Republicans who are allowed to participate. Some of them are even in the Freedom Caucus!

So it makes sense that this happened this morning:

Minutes after entering, several members of the group who do not sit on committees involved in the inquiry walked out, saying they were barred from the room.

As it should be. Glad they got to do the fun storm-the-barricades thing, though! Bet they'll tell their grandkids about that someday, and their grandkids will on that day decide not to visit Former Congressman Grandpa Dumbshit in the senior home anymore.

As Democratic Rep. Eric Swalwell points out in this tweet, this is a stunt, nothing more, and a stupid one at that, all meant to deflect attention from the actual question at hand, which is whether it's cool for Trump to extort Ukraine into doing NO COLLUSION with him to help his sad loser ass win re-election in 2020.

Good luck to the Capitol janitors who today have to clean up pizza crusts and skidmarks from these freedom fighters. We're praying for you.

[Daily Beast / Washington Post]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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