POP QUIZ: What is a good thing to do when you are the head of the anti-LGBTQ+ CPAC and you are currently being sued for sexual battery and defamation, because a former staffer (male) for Herschel Walker's Republican Senate campaign says you (also male, married to a woman) aggressively "pummeled" his junk without his consent a few months back on the campaign trail, and you proceeded to deny it publicly?

Do you:

A. Go on Newsmax for a special Valentine's Day segment with your wife, who is also a Republican political operator?

B. Not go on Newsmax for a special Valentine's Day segment with your wife, who is also a Republican political operator?

You'll never guess which one Matt and Mercedes Schlapp, who the former staffer is also suing for defamation, chose. They went on Newsmax! (They did not go on Fox News, because they have been mysteriously disappeared from there.)

The Daily Beast helpfully summarized the appearance so you don't have to watch it if you don't wanna.

Newsmax idiot host Jenn Pellegrino called the Schlapps a "fierce political power couple." Mercedes "Mercy" Schlapp said they were happy to be there, on Valentine's Day, on Newsmax. And they mostly fawned over Donald Trump, but late in the interview they got down to sharing their tips for keeping their marriage SCHLPICY.

“I don’t have a lot of time left you guys, but I do want to get your reaction to this because it’s Valentine’s Day,” [Pellegrino] noted. “As we discussed at the top of the interview here, the two of you work together. You have been married for 20 years. I think a lot of people are wondering: what’s the secret?”

Is that what a lot of people were wondering?

After the pair both turned to each other and awkwardly chuckled, Schlapp said he let his wife “ talk first in interviews” and then “get the last word in.”

You cannot sleep on that "awkwardly chuckled," you have to experience it for yourselves. Skip to about 6:30. It is fucking outstanding.

“The advice we give our daughters is that person who you marry is the most important decision you’ll make in your life,” she declared. “We put God in the center, we put our family and friends in the center, and that’s what’s kept us strong throughout now 21 years of marriage.”

Traditional straight conservative Christian marriage, everybody!

Matt Schlapp quipped at the end that “it’s okay to do the dishes sometimes,” prompting laughter from his wife and Pellegrino.

Ha ha ha ha ha, wocka wocka!

“And we have that on record now,” the Newsmax host cheerfully concluded.

That's on the record!

Now you have all witnessed the Schlappentine's Day Miracle and can go out and tell others what you have seen.


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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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