Matt Walsh Pretty Sure Arranged Marriage Better Because Too Much Mustard In The Mustard Aisle, Boy Howdy Yep

Matt Walsh Pretty Sure Arranged Marriage Better Because Too Much Mustard In The Mustard Aisle, Boy Howdy Yep

Daily Wire columnist Matt Walsh is an extremely poor man's Tucker Carlson, a walking white male deficiency complex without the perks of Tucker's fame, money or delicate skincare regimen. Yep, he's pretty hot.

Some hot takes from Walsh:

He's extremely worried white people are being replaced.

He thinks mask-wearing is "disgraceful, arrogant, and offensive," because you are "treating air like it is toxic and other humans like they are nothing but vessels of disease." (He's right. When a MAGA-breather gets in our general airspace, we do try to get away from the fumes.)

He's offended by the idea of paternity leave because he doesn't think babies bond with their fathers until they're "much older." Shot in the dark here, but we're guessing some of what Matt Walsh says is a result of his own father. He likely thinks this is a good thing.

He wants to film teachers to make sure they're not filling kids' heads with actual facts that contradict whatever "Father Knows Best" garbage he's filling his kids' minds with.

He thinks birth control pills are "poison" because they keep women from fulfilling their true potential as superhero broodmares. He also thinks birth control pills make women stop loving masculine men like himself Frank Sinatra and John Wayne, and instead start loving "feminine" men like Zac Efron and Justin Bieber.

That's right. The guy pictured above placed himself on a masculinity pedestal above Zac Efron. Like we said, he's pretty hot.

And now, this here is a video about how Matt Walsh thinks arranged marriages are superior to the system we have, because there's just TOO MUCH MUSTARD IN THE MUSTARD AISLE and we guess he's just afraid nobody will pick mustard varieties like him to put them in their cart and take them home and squeeze them until they squirt.

WALSH: There are far too many choices. So, the modern dating scene is what happens when every beggar becomes a chooser.

One immediately gets the feeling Walsh is talking to the guys who resent not being "choosers."

WALSH: Everyone is lonely and desperate for companionship, but the field is so flooded with options, there's such a surplus, that you begin to feel kinda like I feel when I'm in the condiment aisle at Walmart trying to buy mustard and there are 197 different types of mustard, and though all I want is just regular mustard, the overwhelming array of options paralyzes me ...

Paralyzes him?

WALSH: ... and I'm just standing there slack-jawed ...

Just standing there slack-jawed, staring at mustard.

WALSH: questioning whether I should be settling for just regular mustard when I could be getting gourmet dijon whole grain honey French yellow spicy brown white yellow German mustard instead.

Yep, Walsh is definitely sticking up for the unchosen bottles of mustard here.

Walsh is married, by the way. So why does he always sound like such an incel? It is a mystery.

WALSH: Everything is plentiful, and can be obtained effortlessly and cheaply.

Too cheaply, he says. With this much mustard in the mustard aisle, will guys like Matt Walsh ever get to squirt?

WALSH: So dating is like this. Whereas before you only had the eligible single people in your town to choose from, now you have the entire internet. You're not confined by geographic boundaries or any other boundaries. The result, ironically, is complete paralysis.

Nobody dates, because they're too busy in the mustard aisle, paralyzed, unwilling to just pick one and squeeze it.

WALSH: Now, on the complete opposite end of this spectrum are arranged marriages. Instead of a boundless never-ending buffet of options a young person in a culture that practices arranged marriages will be assigned just one, and they don't even make the choice. Their families just pair them up and say, 'here you go.' There's far less freedom and far less autonomy in a system of that sort, but it is, without a doubt, superior to our system. We would be happier -- every person in the dating scene right now would be happier if they were just matched up with someone against their will.

When your side is full of guys no sentient woman or man would choose freely, might as well just say the quiet part out loud and advocate coercion.

It's a wonder this guy works for Ben Shapiro. Yes, sir, it's a wonder.


[Media Matters]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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