Maureen Dowd Is High Again

Soooooo hiiiiiiiiiigh you guyyyyyyysssss

Oh dear. It seems New York Times columnist and comedienne has overdosed on candy again, and, in a marijuana-fueled rage, has typed another mud puddle of words on her favorite subject in all the land, Madam You-Know-Who:

After running as a man last time around, Hillary Clinton is now running as a woman.

The nerve! The audacity! The oh-the-humanity of Hillary Clinton foolishly thinking that in this, the year of our Jesus Effing Christ two thousand and SIXTEEN, it might be OK to run for president as a woman. (Ha, stupid Hillz, wrong again!)

Matthew Dowd, the former W. strategist who became an independent, says Hillary got it backward: She should have run as a woman in 2008, when she was beating back a feminized antiwar candidate. And she should have run as a man this time, when Americans feel beleaguered and scared and yearn for something “big and masculine and strong,” as Dowd put it.

It's so hard to remember that Maureen Dowd is supposed to be one of the "liberal" columnists at the Times, the left side of the "both sides do it" counterweight to the equally insufferable David Brooks, for example, and Ross Douthat, the cranky old man trapped in a Gen-Xer's dad bod, who wants you kids to stop doing sex, listening to hippity hop, and for god's sake, get off his lawn. It's always hard, really, but especially so when MoDo is approvingly citing George Dubya Bush's former strategist to simultaneously call Barack Obama a pussy and Hillary Clinton a stupid "woman," instead of reassuring terrified Americans by swinging her big ol' genitals, like a real man.

MoDo's list of complaints include Clinton campaigning with popular women (!), appearing on a woman-hosted "cozy chat show with women" on Lifetime (!!), and talking about how when she was a little girl, she was a little girl instead of boy and what that was like (!!!). Perhaps most offensively of all, however:

She told Rachel Maddow she wouldn’t rule out an all-estrogen ticket by choosing a female running mate.

What a transparent case of special-interest pandering, refusing to deny that it's at least hypothetically possible that the best candidate to be her running mate might be a woman. As if there is more than one woman in the entire country adequately qualified to fuck up America from the Oval Office as well as any of the men before her.

Dowd, allegedly a fellow woman -- and a liberal, don't forget -- launches into a tirade of why women are terrible, actually:

It always sounds nice to say that women are more collegial and empathetic and helpful to other women and that they see the big picture more clearly, and sometimes it’s true. But sometimes it’s not — especially with hard-boiled alpha women trying to break gender barriers.

Look at Carly Fiorina’s crash at Hewlett-Packard.

We have looked at Fiorina's crash at Hewlett-Packard, many times. But Fiorina-bashing is not the point here. As per usual and always, the point is that Maureen Dowd really, really, really cannot stand that woman, Hillary Clinton. And, dude, she just took an extra big hit off her chocolate pot bar and she has this AMAZING insight:

Since we cannot know if a woman is going to overcompensate on machismo — as Hillary did on the unjustified Iraq invasion — we may want to look at it a different way.

It may be more relevant to ask if someone is a cat or a dog.

The feline Barack Obama began his aloof reign wanting to prowl alone on the stage and he’s ending it the same way.

It may be more relevant -- or it may be that Maureen Dowd ran out of semi-coherent ideas for her columns back when scrunchies were still a thing. We won't bother with a close reading of her arguments that President Obama is like a cat, cold and aloof, hissing at Dowd and refusing to cuddle her through the long winter nights. No, let's skip right ahead to the "What even the hell?" crescendo:

Both Hillary and Trump have been emphasizing that they will do a lot more schmoozing with lawmakers and others who disagree with them, vowing to be dogs with a bone, eager canines offering paws, and not a cool cat stalking away at the first sign of difficulty or when affection is most desired.

“You have to build those relationships and constantly be looking for common ground no matter how small a sliver it may be,” Hillary told The Des Moines Register on Monday.

We were led to believe that Clinton is barely likable (at best!) and frigid (obviously; just look at all the blood on her hands and the splooge stains on other women's dresses). But now that she's trying to build relationships like a typical weak-female puppy dog named Donald Trump ... you know what? We can't finish that thought, because we have no idea where it was supposed to go other than the timeless Dowd conclusion that HILLARY CLINTON BAD.

After all these decades, you'd think Dowd might get tired of trying to invent clever ways to say that. You'd think.



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