'Maverick' Gary Johnson Running In 2012, Will Kill Social Security & Medicare

Sexy Republican rebel and multi-millionaire Gary Johnson used to be governor of New Mexico and love marijuana and climbed past all those frozen dead bodies to reach Mt. Everest like many rich thrill-seekers have paid to do, and that's why he's running for president with a very maverick-y platform of raising the retirement age for working people so that they work until death, which many have to do anyway, so who cares, right? Also, assuming he wins the presidency, which is what we're assuming here, he will destroy Medicare and Medicaid and veto everything except for all Republican legislation about the uterus and what government authority is in charge of the national collective uterus.

Maverick! It takes a bold maverick-y multi-millionaire to stand up and take away health care and a few years of dignified retirement from hundreds of millions of American people. But he can do it! Assuming he's elected, of course. But if not him, every other Republican or Democrat running for president will take care of this, worry not. Worry not! [ AP/MSNBC ]