May You Smile As Brightly As Trump Smiles When He Sh*ts On Santa Claus To A Seven-Year-Old Girl

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Step with us into Obama's time machine back ten thousand years to Christmas 2018. Whoosh whoosh wavy lines! Trump was answering calls on the NORAD Santa tracker, which along with "scrubbing oil off rocks" is our favorite use of the military. Donna Rose called up that year (I think?) and thought she was talking to Santa Himself, shouting SANTA SANTA ARE YOU COMING TO MY HOUSE?, and dude on the other end (NOT DONALD TRUMP) was just seamless about it. It was really sweet!

Here are Donald Trump and his frowning wife, probably mad she had to do the FOCKING CHREESTMAS DECORATIONS for an ungrateful nation that did not appreciate her Fritz Lang aesthetic, answering calls about Santa.

At first Trump is unobjectionable, asking the seven-year-old girl on the line how old she is, and how school is going. He calls her honey, which I always find nice and not patriarchal. Would you demand Flo the waitress not call you honey? Well, you are wrong. Then, lest anyone think he is not a monster, he includes this:

"Are you still a believer in Santa, because at seven it's marginal right?" Donald Trump asks a seven-year-old on Christmas Eve.

I have not been able to get this out of my mind lately. Because I believe this — asking a girl who's calling to ask where Santa is and then telling her Santa is fake if she can pick up on the words coming out of his mouth — is the only time I've ever seen him genuinely smile.

Yes, a genuine smile, and a genuine laugh, because he's transgressing. If Trump's telephone pal gets what he's up to — she doesn't — she'll have a real bummer of a night. And he is delighting in it, reveling in flaunting it, and it's the only time I've ever seen him actually happy.

Here, for a counterexample, is how a person acts if he does not get off on making children cry:

Trump will be gone soon, and then he will die.

The end.

EARLY OPEN THREAD!

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Rebecca Schoenkopf

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