Maybe Anthony 'Haha His Name Is Weiner' Weiner Is Running For Office Again Or Something
Say, has anyone noticed that Anthony Weiner’s name has a penis word in it? We are only asking because it seems like the Daily Callerrecently made the connection and reported on it in a fit of bad penis puns you’d expect to see on playing cards at the worst bachelorette party ever.
"Yuck. There’s nothing worse than an itchy Weiner."
"But you can’t keep a good Weiner down, or even an Anthony Weiner."
"Now he’s looking for any available openings."
"Weiner Keeps Popping Back Up"
If they are in fact the first to make the connection, we want to be sure to give them credit for it.
You may ask why it’s necessary to even talk about Anthony Weiner anymore, even if someone finally realized the genital hilarity of his name. The big story they HAD to tell in order to drop all these penis puns was that a man who used to have soul-raping, humanity-numbing, highly-addictive political power maybe wants it again. See, the dick jokes are there for “style” (a writer’s favorite euphemism for “lack of substance”). They serve simply to flavor an unprecedented investigative finding that will alter the course of history: that a politician, who once stupidly texted a picture of his penis to a girl, might be (or might not be) running for office, and therefore, being the narcissist that he is, must think he can still fool people into liking him.
Or you’re wondering why we ever talked about Anthony Weiner at all, because you believe that sexytimes should be kept separate from public life –- it simply isn’t relevant unless there are children involved, or maybe animals depending on how far you’re taking the whole “expand your perceptions, man” thing. You might be thinking it’s an awful waste of a platform for the Daily Caller to use web space to make a couple dick jokes THAT SRSLY NO ONE THOUGHT OF BEFORE about one of last year's kinda-news makers. Maybe you’re laughing. Maybe you’re sad. Either way, that’s what you get from the Daily Caller today!
Elsewhere on yesterday's slowest of slow news days, countless people lost their lives all over the world because leaders who are actually still in power continue to fail miserably at addressing disease and poverty while succeeding immeasurably at misguided warmongering, but that isn’t as easy to turn into a dick joke.