Maybe Mitt Can Fix It, LOL
Oh sweet Joseph Smith and his special reading glasses, this is just so precious. Because the field of Republican presidential candidates, which is so crowded they need to split 'em up into losers and super losers for GOP debate nights, has no actual even remotely possible winners in it, it's time to panic, just a bit:
Less than three months before the kickoff Iowa caucuses, there is growing anxiety bordering on panic among Republican elites about the dominance and durability of Donald Trump and Ben Carson and widespread bewilderment over how to defeat them.
Party leaders and donors fear that nominating either man would have negative ramifications for the GOP ticket up and down the ballot, virtually ensuring a Hillary Rodham Clinton presidency and increasing the odds that the Senate falls into Democratic hands.
What if the Republican primary voters choose one of the two most popular (by a mile) candidates as their nominee?! Hell on earth. Cats and dogs, living together. President Hillary Clinton. Speaker Pelosi. Socialism Czars Bernie Sanders and Elizabeth Warren seizing all the money and burning down all the banks. It will be the end of American life as we know it, and not in the super sexciting fun times end times Michele Bachmann "Jesus is coming" way.
What is a dying-out party of cranky white dudes supposed to do? Find a Republican savior, stat. But since there is no Republican out there who can save the party, how's about the guy who has a gold-plated record of delivering defeat?
Save us, Mitt, save us please!
According to other Republicans, some in the party establishment are so desperate to change the dynamic that they are talking anew about drafting Romney — despite his insistence that he will not run again. Friends have mapped out a strategy for a late entry to pick up delegates and vie for the nomination in a convention fight, according to the Republicans who were briefed on the talks, though Romney has shown no indication of reviving his interest.
This is not the first time the party in disarray has cast its remorseful eyes in Mitt's direction. Despite his wish-washy flip-floppy semi-insistence that no, really, he's not going to run for the White House a third time, he has refused to slam the window shut and board it up. Here's Mitt back in May:
Both Ann and I were pleased to have so many people suggest that they’d like to see us run again, and that obviously opened our eyes a bit to potentially running again. And I think we’re very anxious to make sure that we win, that we get someone who can actually beat the Democratic nominee, and we wondered, “Might that be me? Might I be the best one to carry the torch.” And so we looked at it for two or three weeks and concluded, you know what? It’s probably best for someone new to come along. Someone who’s not in my political generation, someone new.
"Probably best." Unless, of course, the field of candidates, even the "serious" ones, disappear into a black hole of fail. In which case, well, good thing he stuck that "probably" in there. Just like he said, in January, that it was "unlikely" he'd change his mind about not running. Not that Mitt is known for his rigid adherence to his own word, mind you, but the absence of "Nope, not going to run" gets us all hot and bothered in our special places because if we can't beat the ever-lovin' crap out of Jeb Bush -- and we can't, sadly, because he's made it quite clear he's determined not to win the nomination -- we might as well slap Mitt around again, some more, for old times's sake, why not?
Do it, Mitt. Do it for your party. Do it for America. Do it for our entertainment. Do it so we can remember all over again how shockingly unlikable your whole family is, and then give you a nice good unskewed whoopin' on Election Day, and tell you and your whole gross family to go fudge yourselves and the classy horse you rode in on.