BREAKING: Trump Dumber Than Dry Dogsh*t, Jeff Sessions Racist As F*ck

Hola, Wonkers! It is time for more details from fired acting FBI director Andrew McCabe's very angry and wonderful book, The Threat: How The FBI Protects America In The Age Of Terror And Trump! We reminded you everything you need to remember about McCabe on Thursday, so we won't rehash it here. If you have forgotten already, you are very forgetful and you probably left your coffee pot on too when you left the house this morning, OH SHIT! (Relax. Unless your coffee pot was made during the Carter administration, it turns itself off.)

Anyway, let's look at the Washington Postreview, which gives us yet another hilarious and horrifying example of how Donald Trump, the president of the United States, is both dumber than dogshit, and also clearly so far up Vladimir Putin's ass he's chewing on last night's borscht:

During an Oval Office briefing in July 2017, Trump refused to believe U.S. intelligence reports that North Korea had test-fired an intercontinental ballistic missile — a test that Kim Jong Un had called a Fourth of July "gift" to "the arrogant Americans."

Trump dismissed the missile launch as a "hoax," McCabe writes. "He thought that North Korea did not have the capability to launch such missiles. He said he knew this because Vladimir Putin had told him so."

We'll just add that to our growing volume of Things Trump Only Probably Believes Because Putin Whispered Them In His Ear! The Russians fought a noble war in Afghanistan, the tiny nation of Montenegro is the powder keg that will set off World War III, NATO sucks, and now this. To borrow from Wonkette pal Dan Savage, can we impeach the motherfucker already?

One thing that really comes through in this book is that Andrew McCabe has a seething hatred for Donald Trump. Boy, we sure do like that trait in an author! It's very humanizing.

But if you think he hates Trump, you should see what he thinks about former attorney general Jeff Sessions. Boy howdy. Here is how the Post reviewer, Greg Miller, sums up McCabe's view of the little man under the white hood he used to work for:

He didn't read intelligence reports and mixed up classified material with what he had seen in newspaper clips. He seemed confused about the structure and purpose of organizations and became overwhelmed when meetings covered multiple subjects. He blamed immigrants for nearly every societal problem and uttered racist sentiments with shocking callousness.

Haha, says Greg Miller! Bet you thought that was a paragraph about Donald Trump! And it could be, but no, it is about Jeff Sessions. Here's a real fucked up racist thing Sessions apparently said one time:

The FBI was better off when "you all only hired Irishmen," Sessions said in one diatribe about the bureau's workforce. "They were drunks but they could be trusted. Not like all those new people with nose rings and tattoos — who knows what they're doing?"

Oh my God, can't you just see that little redneck leprechaun butterscotch hoarder, very slowly drawl-bitching about MINORITIES THESE DAYS, with jewels in their honkers and devil stamps on their hoo-hoos, as a tiny man emerged from a clock in Sessions's office, playing a tiny banjo to provide the soundtrack for the attorney general's racist ranting?

McCabe also writes about how Sessions is a giant idiot who has "trouble focusing," but everybody already knew that if they watched Kamala Harris question Sessions in the Senate:

"I'm not able to be rushed this fast, IT MAKES ME NERVOUS!"

McCabe also writes that Sessions is so racist that, when briefed about specific DOJ cases, his first questions about the suspect were "Where's he from?" and "Where are his parents from?" This, again, is the man Trump freely chose to be the attorney general of the United States.

Miller suggests that perhaps we are limiting ourselves when we focus on how mindnumbingly stupid and racist Donald Trump is, and forget about the burlesque show of stupidity, incompetence and racism he calls his "administration." Then again, one springs from the other, so it's all part of the same KKK For Dummies shitshow, isn't it?

Miller's review reveals one more very important thing about McCabe's book, a detail that might help you decide whether or not you want to purchase it, if you are on the fence. It's only 264 pages long. That's right, you can read this fucker in one sitting, because it's not one million pages long like the Hillary Clinton and James Comey books that are still sitting on our nightstand unfinished, so God bless Andrew McCabe for that.

Then again, if it's that short, we may have already spoiled all the good parts, so maybe say fuck it and buy liquor and a Wonkette donation instead. UP TO YOU.

[Washington Post]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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