Donate

Okay, everybody grab some Goldfish, choose a bus buddy, and lace up your boots. We're going on a little field trip to Wingnutistan. It's time to visit the people who see the Justice Department getting caught lying under oath, followed by Meatball Whitaker's immediate exit and think, "YEAH, BOOOOOY! HILLARY'S ABOUT TO GO DOWN!"

But first, the back story. In 2017, when Republicans still controlled the House Judiciary Committee, Chairman Bob Goodlatte wrote to then-Attorney General Jeff Sessions asking him to appoint a special prosecutor to investigate the Uranium One conspiracy, AGAIN. There has never been any indication that Hillary Clinton knew about the deal at all, much less that she greenlighted it as a favor to donors to the Clinton Foundation. The deal was approved by the State, Treasury, Justice, Energy, Defense, Commerce and Homeland Security departments, as well as the Office of the US Trade Representative. Nevertheless, Trump's posse in Congress was sure that the key to beating back the Mueller investigation was to distract the country with a competing investigation into Hillary Clinton.

At the same time, the Senate Judiciary Committee was showing its great support for law enforcement by shitting all over the FBI and accusing James Comey of having been a secret Hillary lover. Senators Chuck Grassley and Lindsey Graham -- both of whom KNOW BETTER -- also demanded a special prosecutor be appointed to reinvestigate charges that the FBI did illegal FISA's to Carter Page's stupid red bucket hat.


Ever the lickspittle, Sessions obliged, telling then-Chairman Bob Goodlatte and Senate Judiciary Chairman Chuck Grassley that he was putting John Huber, US Attorney from Utah, on the job.

Which was the last anyone heard about it, much to the consternation of Jim Jordan and the rest of the Treason Squad, who were counting on Huber to do some immediate LOCK HER UPS.

American Oversight, a government watchdog group, filed numerous FOIA requests and a subsequent lawsuit to access Sessions's referral to Huber. Under penalty of perjury, Senior Counsel to the Justice Department's Office of Information Policy Vanessa Brinkmann declared in November of 2018 the no such written guidance existed. She had been briefed by Matthew Whitaker and Jeff Sessions, both of whom agreed that the Attorney General just called up Huber and gave him the skinny mano-a-mano.

EXCEPT, THAT WAS BULLSHIT. Because Sessions drafted a letter to Huber, which Whitaker himself sent, saying "As we discussed. MW." Oooopsie!

Five minutes before Whitaker noped out of the DOJ for good, the Department magically produced this email to American Oversight, along with Sessions's marching orders for Huber.

Now a normal person, confronted with radio silence on Huber's investigation for 18 months, might think he came up empty. There is literally nothing to find about the Uranium One deal. The DOJ's Inspector General Michael Horowitz already investigated the Clinton email inquiry and issued an exhaustive report. There's no indication that Huber took any further steps, such as interviewing James Comey, Loretta Lynch, Andrew McCabe, or anyone else. God knows if he had spoken to Carter Page or George Papadopoulos, those two idiots would have blabbed it on Twitter immediately. And yet, the wingnutosphere has taken this possible perjury by the DOJ's lawyer as a sign that VICTORY IS AT HAND!

Mr. Cates writes for The Epoch Times, a Chinese-American website that loves Trump, far-right German anti-immigrant parties, and Falun Gong. Writers at The Epoch times have, of late, come into possession of quite a few unreleased transcripts of witness testimony before House committees. These transcripts, which may or may not come from a certain cow-loving congressman, are never published in their entirety. Rather they are excerpted to maximally fan the flames of GOP conspiracy theories against the FBI. But don't worry, you guys, because the FBI is good again now!

See, in Bizarroworld, the real investigation has been cooling its heels in Utah waiting for the sham Russia WITCH HUNT to stall out in DC.

As proof, Mr. Cates cites the grand jury probe ... in DC, investigating whether Andrew McCabe committed perjury. How Mr. Huber, the US Attorney of Utah, has empaneled a grand jury clear across the country and secretly run a massive criminal investigation while evading the phalanx of reporters camped out at the courthouse is not yet clear.

But pay no attention to the man behind the curtain! The intrepid reporters at the Epoch Times know that Donald Trump was only pretending to hate Jeff Sessions this whole time. You know, as a head fake to thwart the DC leak culture. And he fired Sessions five seconds after the midterm election because now it's time to end the Mueller investigation and do LOCK HER UPS to Hillary Clinton and the whole Democrat CABAL.

The hoops these guys will jump through to pretend that despite all appearances their guy is really playing 12-dimensional chess are fascinating. Eight people pleaded guilty, dozens more were indicted, and still they're sure that OJ will reveal the real killer any minute now. It's almost like they know it's bullshit, but they're running a scam on gullible people so they can get more followers. ALMOST.

Well, that's all the time we have for the monkey house today, kids. Everybody pick up your trash and head back to the bus. No, you cannot take any of these wingnuts home with you! You know half of them aren't even vaccinated. And don't forget to hit that Purell dispenser when you pass through the gates!

[Daily Beast / All DOJ Docs, via American Oversight / American Oversight]

Follow your FDF on Twitter!

Please click here to fund your Wonkette, who is ready to kick Monday's ass JUST FOR YOU!

How often would you like to donate?

Select an amount (USD)

Five Dollar Feminist

Your FDF lives in Baltimore under an assumed identity as an upstanding member of the PTA. Shhh, don't tell anyone she makes swears on the internet!

$
Donate with CC

Hooray, it's time for yet another dispatch from Fox News's big fun week of failure. (No, we mean even more failure than usual.) While all of Twitter is being annoying and talking incessantly about nothing but Bran and Daenerys and Carl and Peg or whoever they are, we have been (ignoring it and) focusing on all Fox's sadness, starting with Pete Buttigieg's town hall, where he called Fox News a piece of shit to its face. Then we laughed and laughed at Fox News idiot Pete Hegseth, who is sending lots of begging to today's college graduates, that they might immediately get dropped on their heads and forget all their education, so they might grow up to be the Fox News viewers of the future.

Oh, and we haven't even had a chance to LOL at the epic hilarity of Steve Doocy trying to do man-on-the-street interviews in Midtown Manhattan, shoving the mic into the faces of New Yorkers who literally don't care if he goes and plays in traffic. That was fun!

But the point of this post is that we have finally learned what makes at least some Fox News viewers tick, and it is that Tucker Carlson "laughs like a girl." That is not us saying that, that is a Fox News fan lady telling the Washington Post's Erik Wemple why she loves Tucker Carlson so much.

Keep reading... Show less
$
Donate with CC

Old White Guys Try To Explain Abortion

Throwing the baby out with the bathwater. It's your Sunday show rundown!

popular

Michael is out, so I'm taking over your Sunday Show Rundown. This week everyone was talking about those awful abortion laws worming their way through state legislatures. As usual, most of the men were tripping on their dicks while trying to talk about vag. Luckily, there's enough women around to ladysplain things.

Bernie Sanders went on Meet the Press for the first time in FOREVER and played his greatest hits for all the kids. Sanders criticized Joe Biden's environmental policy (which is literally just "beat Trump"), stating that it wasn't "good enough." Sanders is right! (NO FIGHTING.)

SANDERS: Beating Trump is not good enough. You have to beat the fossil fuel industry, you have to take on all the forces of the status quo who do not want to move this country to energy efficiency and sustainable energy.

But then Chuck Todd asked Bernie a loaded question about women getting "sex-selective" abortions and the whole interview went off the rails. Bernie struggled to answer the dumbass question and came across looking stupid despite having spent the better part of the last week in Alabama railing against abortion bans.

Keep reading... Show less
$
Donate with CC
Donate

How often would you like to donate?

Select an amount (USD)

Newsletter

©2018 by Commie Girl Industries, Inc