UH OH, Jerry Nadler, Did Meatball LIE TO CONGRESS?

Well, well, well! Now we are even more curious why suddenly and quietly a couple weekends ago Matthew Whitaker put all the big peener toilets in his office in a great big box and carried them out of the front door of the Justice Department for the last time.

Whitaker, whose real name is Meatball (at least around here, because of how he looks like a meatball and also has the same IQ as a meatball), testified behind closed doors for Jerry Nadler's House Judiciary Committee on Wednesday, and when it was over, Nadler walked out and said Meatball had given testimony that appears to be quite different from what he said during his open congressional testimony a few weeks ago. But unlike that thing where Republicans do a closed door committee hearing and then leak insinuations and absolute bullshit, Nadler shared specific information that is very WHOA IF TRUE.

Meatball, you been lyin' to Congress? Is that why you had to take your peener potties and go home?

Nadler marched out there and said the "takeaways" from Meatball McPeenFlusher's testimony were like so:

  • He was "directly involved in conversations about whether to fire one or more US attorneys."
  • He was "involved in conversation about the scope" of US Attorney Geoffrey Berman's recusal. Berman runs the SDNY, and it has been reported that Trump really "lashed out" at Whitaker over what was going on at SDNY.
  • Also, he had conversations about how maybe the SDNY was going "too far" in its Michael Cohen case.

As Talking Points Memo reports, Nadler said Meatball "did not deny" the stuff from this New York Times article, about how Trump had inappropriate conversations with him about what was going on at SDNY, which is very different from what he said when he talked to Congress before. "He would not say no," said Nadler.

When that article came out, the DoJ released a very lawyered statement about how Trump had never asked for, nor had Meatball given, any "promises or commitments" about interfering with any investigation of any kind. But as Michael Cohen explained to Congress, most conversations with President Crime Boss, when he wants you to commit a crime, don't involve the words "please make a PROMISE COMMITMENT to me that you will do these specific crimes!" It's more that he communicates in code -- a wink, maybe an inappropriate ass grab, we'd imagine -- to make sure you are still on Team Crime Family.

Nadler had brought Meatball back, of course, because he knew soon after Meatball's visit to Congress that Meatball had said some things that are very inconsistent with the receipts Nadler has right here in his pocket, which say Meatball is full of shit.

So ... wow! That is just a lot of stuff! How many crimes do we think Meatball might have been involved in here? Perjury? Obstruction of justice? And how extensive were those conversations with Trump about the SDNY's probe into Michael Cohen? Because, if you'll remember, the SDNY campaign finance porn payoff case against Michael Cohen is the one where Trump is named as "Individual-1," AKA an unindicted co-conspirator, AKA the guy who directed the entire criminal operation. So if Meatball was talking to Trump about that in an inappropriate way, and if he was talking about firing US attorneys and about putting his finger on the scale to influence that investigation WITH THE PRESIDENT WHO IS UNDER INVESTIGATION, then this is some Watergate On Crack shit. Hell, even if he was just doing those things in order to be of service to the criminal president he worships as a god, then this is fucked.

Also, is this some kind of record? Meatball was only the pretend fake big boy acting attorney general of the United States for like nine seconds! Was he trying to show everybody that he could commit crimes for Trump faster than anybody else?

What kind of jail cell should Meatball go to, and how deep a toilet should he get? Oops, we are getting ahead of ourselves! (OR ARE WE?)

Surprise, Republicans in the hearing room say Jerry Nadler is fake news and that Meatball didn't say any of that stuff. GOP Rep. Doug Collins (who recently stepped on his dick and ate it by releasing closed door testimony from DoJ official Bruce Ohr, which helps our side and not his side) said Nadler's comments about Meatball's testimony were just his "interpretation." Politico reports that counsel for the Republicans said actually Meatball wasn't talking about inappropriately influencing the SDNY investigations, but rather just questioning the "legal theories" of the cases. They say Meatball thinks some of the charges in that case are "specious." Hey everybody, quick, try to imagine Meatball having a scholarly opinion on "legal theories" or knowing the word "specious," HAHAHA YOU CAN'T, HE'S TOO STUPID.

Who's right? Unfortunately the Washington Post says the hearing wasn't transcribed (!!!), so we guess we'll just believe Jerry Nadler, because Republicans are liars.

When Donald Trump elevated Meatball out of nowhere to the acting attorney general position, outside the DoJ line of succession, it was pretty obvious he was only sticking Meatball in there to be his personal hitman at Justice. Meatball had zero qualifications for the position -- and more than a few disqualifying things in his history -- but he did have a significant personal record of going on TV and licking the president's balls, and from what we know about Meatball's trip to Washington, it sounds like he was ball-licking with intention, because he knew he was auditioning for the crusty shitmouth who calls himself the president.

We also know that Trump has a fundamentally un-American view of the Justice Department, as he has raged over the course of his failed presidency asking where his Roy Cohn is, because he thinks the attorney general of the United States is his own personal attorney. (Timely reminder for the president: Roy Cohn has been burning in hell since 1986.)

Our point, we guess, is that it sounds like Meatball did exactly what he was supposed to do for Trump during his short tenure at the top of Justice, though he may not have accomplished much in the way of true obstruction, on account of his own personal mental limitations. And now we know about it, because Jerry Nadler has decided to make it his personal mission to dick-kick Meatball's dumb ass right in the face, hallelujah, God bless us everyone!

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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