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Meatball, ya big, dumb lyin' dickhead! Turns out Matthew "Big Dick Toilet" "Patent Scam" Whitaker may have made a little oopsie on his résumé for 30 years straight. The Wall Street Journal reports that the Acting Attorney General repeatedly claimed to have been named an Academic All-American as a tight end at the University of Iowa in 1990-1992, but does not appear on the list of recipients of the honor.

Whaaaaaat? A member of the Trump administration telling fibs? CLUTCH THE PEARLS.

In fact, Whitaker was named an All-District regional honoree, a large pool from which All-Americans are eventually selected. Whitaker falsely claimed to have received the honor on his former law firm's website and on the résumé he submitted to the patent scam firm in 2014 -- which, I Really Don't Care, Do U? But the Journal reports that the lie was included in his application for a federal judgeship in 2010, and in the 2009 press release announcing his departure from the US Attorney's office in Iowa. Lucky thing Whitaker's the highest unelected law enforcement officer in the land, not some maintenance worker, or he might get fired for that shit.


The Justice Department spokeswoman has a very good explanation for the error and it is to blame the University of Iowa's athletic department -- you know how jocks are, amirite?

Kerri Kupec, a Justice Department spokeswoman, said Mr. Whitaker relied on a 1993 University of Iowa football media guide, which listed him as a "GTE District VII academic All-American." (GTE was the contest sponsor at that time.)

She referred further questions to Steve Roe, an assistant athletic director at the University of Iowa, who said that "if there is confusion at all, part of it could be how we listed it in our media guide."

See, one time in 1993 the school was confusing in its paperwork, so it's totally fine for Whitaker to lie about it for 30 years after that. That's just NCAA rules!

(And if we may be permitted a brief aside as the parent of two student athletes, there is NO DAMN WAY a D1 player is "confused" about the level of honor he received. This guy wears a Rose Bowl participation ring -- he understands the difference between All-District and All-American.)

The Journal points out that this lie would likely have been picked up if Meatball had been vetted like a normal nominee and not simply handed a shiv and jammed into the Justice Department with instructions to go murder the Mueller investigation.

It is possible the Academic All-American matter would have arisen during independent vetting from the Senate, if Mr. Whitaker had gone through the confirmation process. In his previous position as chief of staff to Mr. Sessions, Mr. Whitaker didn't require Senate confirmation.

But in Trumpland, lying on your application is pretty much a job requirement. Can't trust a guy who's not willing to get his hands a little dirty, right?

And, lookie here! Wonder who that "Whitmat" guy is who's always editing the Iowa Hawkeyes and Matthew Whitaker Wikipedia pages.

It's con men all the way down!

[WSJ]

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Five Dollar Feminist

Your FDF lives in Baltimore under an assumed identity as an upstanding member of the PTA. Shhh, don't tell anyone she makes swears on the internet!

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Hooray, it's time for yet another dispatch from Fox News's big fun week of failure. (No, we mean even more failure than usual.) While all of Twitter is being annoying and talking incessantly about nothing but Bran and Daenerys and Carl and Peg or whoever they are, we have been (ignoring it and) focusing on all Fox's sadness, starting with Pete Buttigieg's town hall, where he called Fox News a piece of shit to its face. Then we laughed and laughed at Fox News idiot Pete Hegseth, who is sending lots of begging to today's college graduates, that they might immediately get dropped on their heads and forget all their education, so they might grow up to be the Fox News viewers of the future.

Oh, and we haven't even had a chance to LOL at the epic hilarity of Steve Doocy trying to do man-on-the-street interviews in Midtown Manhattan, shoving the mic into the faces of New Yorkers who literally don't care if he goes and plays in traffic. That was fun!

But the point of this post is that we have finally learned what makes at least some Fox News viewers tick, and it is that Tucker Carlson "laughs like a girl." That is not us saying that, that is a Fox News fan lady telling the Washington Post's Erik Wemple why she loves Tucker Carlson so much.

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Old White Guys Try To Explain Abortion

Throwing the baby out with the bathwater. It's your Sunday show rundown!

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Michael is out, so I'm taking over your Sunday Show Rundown. This week everyone was talking about those awful abortion laws worming their way through state legislatures. As usual, most of the men were tripping on their dicks while trying to talk about vag. Luckily, there's enough women around to ladysplain things.

Bernie Sanders went on Meet the Press for the first time in FOREVER and played his greatest hits for all the kids. Sanders criticized Joe Biden's environmental policy (which is literally just "beat Trump"), stating that it wasn't "good enough." Sanders is right! (NO FIGHTING.)

SANDERS: Beating Trump is not good enough. You have to beat the fossil fuel industry, you have to take on all the forces of the status quo who do not want to move this country to energy efficiency and sustainable energy.

But then Chuck Todd asked Bernie a loaded question about women getting "sex-selective" abortions and the whole interview went off the rails. Bernie struggled to answer the dumbass question and came across looking stupid despite having spent the better part of the last week in Alabama railing against abortion bans.

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