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Meatball, ya big, dumb lyin' dickhead! Turns out Matthew "Big Dick Toilet" "Patent Scam" Whitaker may have made a little oopsie on his résumé for 30 years straight. The Wall Street Journal reports that the Acting Attorney General repeatedly claimed to have been named an Academic All-American as a tight end at the University of Iowa in 1990-1992, but does not appear on the list of recipients of the honor.

Whaaaaaat? A member of the Trump administration telling fibs? CLUTCH THE PEARLS.

In fact, Whitaker was named an All-District regional honoree, a large pool from which All-Americans are eventually selected. Whitaker falsely claimed to have received the honor on his former law firm's website and on the résumé he submitted to the patent scam firm in 2014 -- which, I Really Don't Care, Do U? But the Journal reports that the lie was included in his application for a federal judgeship in 2010, and in the 2009 press release announcing his departure from the US Attorney's office in Iowa. Lucky thing Whitaker's the highest unelected law enforcement officer in the land, not some maintenance worker, or he might get fired for that shit.


The Justice Department spokeswoman has a very good explanation for the error and it is to blame the University of Iowa's athletic department -- you know how jocks are, amirite?

Kerri Kupec, a Justice Department spokeswoman, said Mr. Whitaker relied on a 1993 University of Iowa football media guide, which listed him as a "GTE District VII academic All-American." (GTE was the contest sponsor at that time.)

She referred further questions to Steve Roe, an assistant athletic director at the University of Iowa, who said that "if there is confusion at all, part of it could be how we listed it in our media guide."

See, one time in 1993 the school was confusing in its paperwork, so it's totally fine for Whitaker to lie about it for 30 years after that. That's just NCAA rules!

(And if we may be permitted a brief aside as the parent of two student athletes, there is NO DAMN WAY a D1 player is "confused" about the level of honor he received. This guy wears a Rose Bowl participation ring -- he understands the difference between All-District and All-American.)

The Journal points out that this lie would likely have been picked up if Meatball had been vetted like a normal nominee and not simply handed a shiv and jammed into the Justice Department with instructions to go murder the Mueller investigation.

It is possible the Academic All-American matter would have arisen during independent vetting from the Senate, if Mr. Whitaker had gone through the confirmation process. In his previous position as chief of staff to Mr. Sessions, Mr. Whitaker didn't require Senate confirmation.

But in Trumpland, lying on your application is pretty much a job requirement. Can't trust a guy who's not willing to get his hands a little dirty, right?

And, lookie here! Wonder who that "Whitmat" guy is who's always editing the Iowa Hawkeyes and Matthew Whitaker Wikipedia pages.

It's con men all the way down!

[WSJ]

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CLEAR YOUR CALENDARS FOR FEBRUARY 7! And then fill them back up with whatever the fuck you want, because Michael Cohen has announced through his lawyers that he is too scared to testify before an open session of Congress that day, citing threats to his family from Donald Trump and Rudy Giuliani.

Wonkette has no reason to believe Cohen isn't being serious here, and NBC News reports Cohen's wife and father-in-law are particularly concerned about their safety if the man who used to call his boss MIS-TURRRR TWUMP goes to Congress and tells the truth this time. Still, we must pause to note that this is the same guy who said this to NPR reporter Tim Mak, back when Mak was at The Daily Beast:

"I will make sure that you and I meet one day while we're in the courthouse. And I will take you for every penny you still don't have," Cohen told Mak [...] "And I will come after your Daily Beast and everybody else that you possibly know."

"So I'm warning you, tread very fucking lightly, because what I'm going to do to you is going to be fucking disgusting. You understand me?"

It's not so fun when the shoe is on the other foot, IS IT, MICHAEL?

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Did Nancy Pelosi do something to give Donald Trump the mistaken impression he has leverage here? We don't remember her doing anything like that!

Trump sent Pelosi a letter this morning to say that, despite how she told him to stay the fuck out of her House because of his government shutdown, he would still be coming to the House on January 29 to deliver his State of the Union address. And for some weird-ass reason, Trump and his advisers in the White House actually thought she would back down. It's both hilarious and alarming that Trump and his people are that stupid, isn't it?

Anyway, Pelosi took the dare. She took the dare. Was there anybody besides those dumb fucking idiots in the White House who thought she wouldn't take the dare?

Pelosi sent a letter right back to Trump to kindly explain to him that no means "go fuck yourself," and that if he'd like her to stick her foot further up his ass and kick it around a bunch, he's welcome to test her some more:

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