Meet America's Next President: Guy From Iowa!

Ethanol Time! - WonketteIf you woke up today all excited for no apparent reason, it's obvious that you've got a bad case of Vilsack Fever. That's right, ladies: Iowa Governor Tom Vilsack is running for president!

He's the first of approximately 270 Democrats to officially announce his sure-shot bid for the White House. For the few laggards who haven't read his best-selling autobiography, we'll give you the lowdown ... after the jump.

Here are some fun facts about the guy we've always called "Tom":

* An orphan from Pittsburgh.

* Moved to Iowa in 1975 because his father-in-law gave him a job, as a lawyer.

* Elected mayor of Mount Pleasant (in Iowa) "following the murder of Mayor Edd King by a disgruntled citizen."

Don't laugh off Vilsack just because you've never heard of him, or Iowa. AIPAC flew him to Israel in May, so he's a contender. And Kerry was considering him as a running mate, but decided John Edwards was "much hotter."

Also, every four years Washington briefly moves to Iowa for a few weeks -- Iowa apparently has an important "caucus" in which all the candidates come to stand in corn fields, shake hands with corn farmers and promise to covert America's energy system (including nuclear plants) to 100% corn fuel before the next Iowa caucus.

Jesus Christ, can't we even have a single weekend off before the goddamned presidential campaign starts?

UPDATE, NOT BREAKING: Joe Biden has apparently been "officially announcing" his run for the Dem nomination since about 1976, which is why nobody remembers.

Vilsack to make White House run [Des Moines Register]

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The Dumb Song Of J. Dinesh Prufrock

A quick Dear Shitferbrains for you smart kids today, in response to our recent piece on Dinesh D'Souza's continued insistence that historian Kevin M. Kruse please bitchslap him with facts again and again. It turns out we picked the wrong historian to lionize, according to "Hadding Scott," who dropped by to let us know we had foolishly referred to a mere Princeton professor instead of to the most comprehensive take-down-er of D'Souza's lies, "Hadding Scott" himself.

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Among the primary results from Tuesday that we didn't report: Chris Murphy, US Senator from Connecticut, managed to hold on to the Democratic nomination for a second term. Actually, if you want to get all technical about it, he didn't win the nom Tuesday -- he'd already been nominated at the state party convention in May, and the Dem primary was cancelled since Murphy was the only one to file. Murphy's also heavily favored to win reelection this fall. The biggest question for Murphy is whether he's hoping to seek some other office in a couple years. (As if any prominent Democratic senator hasn't already mentally compared their inaugural crowd size to Trump's.)

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