'Getting crazy with some apple cobbler' is what he literally said he is doing in this picture, from his Instagram.

There were some primary elections t'other night, ya hear? And many Americans who have internet have noticed that the guy who won the GOP primary to take Mark Meadows's former seat in North Carolina's 11th District looks like this:

Oh good god. And no, that's not some model photo, it's from his fucking Instagram.

Meet Madison Cawthorn. He is 24-many years old, and assuming he is elected to Congress in November — it's a red-ass district and he's the Republican nominee — he will be just barely old enough to serve, as he will have just turned 25 by then.

HI, Madison Cawthorn, HI. (Get it out of your system now.) HI, Madison! You're so hot we bet you're garbage HIIIIIIIII Madison!

So, he has a story. He was paralyzed in a car accident in 2014, and apparently he almost died, and he's come a hell of a long way since then. And we are GENUINE glad he has come so far!

But like so many Republican shitheels do, the once-homeschoolednaturally — Cawthorn has taken his own adversity and sought a larger platform, to spread some adversity to everyone else, especially those who aren't Aryan heterosexual men! We can tell by looking at his website:

Our faith, our freedoms and our values are under assault from leftist, coastal elites like Nancy Pelosi and AOC. I will work tirelessly for smaller, leaner government and I will be a strong voice for faith, family & freedom.

Oh FUCK OFF.

Cawthorn, bless his youngin' heart, is against abortion, and he's big on "religious freedom," which everybody knows is a codeword for being against abortion, and also for fucking over LGBTQ people, to protect rightwing Christians from accidentally getting roasted on a spit in hell for all eternity by their loving Christ because they accidentally baked a cake for a homo one time.

Also he opposes sanctuary cities, in case you were wondering if he had a plan for fucking over immigrants.

Where does young nipply Madison get off being such a little shit? We just don't know, but we bet he believes the Lord has a plan for his life.

We've been through this before, so it's fine. GOP Illinois Rep. Adam Kinzinger is hot as shit, and though Kinzinger occasionally puts down the Trump Kool-Aid, we are still comfortable acknowledging that he's garbage, that we'd hate to see him go, but we'd love to to watch his perky ass walk away (like directly out of Congress).

What's funny about Cawthorn is that he was not supposed to win, not at all. Mark Meadows left that seat to become Donald Trump's 685th former chief of staff, and he picked his winner to replace him, a woman named Lynda Bennett, who is "notoriously" best friends with Meadows's wife, according to Cawthorn. Donald Trump heartily endorsed Bennett, and so did Ted Cruz, Rep. Jim Jordan, and bunches of other GOP/conservative organizations. Cawthorn didn't just beat Bennett; he got two-thirds of the vote.

So it's funny, because Trump didn't get what he wanted, because he's a loser.

But don't go thinkin' Cawthorn's dreamy eyes are for anybody besides Donald Trump, because he doesn't want you thinkin' that:

I want to make something clear; I support our great president. I do not believe this election has been a referendum on the president's influence. The people of western North Carolina are wise and discerning. You observed both candidates and simply made the choice you believed is best for our district. I look forward to fighting alongside our president after I'm elected in November.

Whatever, HitlerYouth McBubbleButt.

Hey, wanna talk about a dude who's probably going to Congress that you can lust after just really admire and respect guilt-free?

Meet Ritchie Torres!

This is a good story, at least tentatively!

There was a jam-packed (12 people!) primary for the Democratic seat in New York's 15th District, AKA the Bronx, which is being vacated by longtime Rep. José Serrano. The favorite was a candidate named Rubén Díaz Sr., a notorious anti-abortion homophobe who, if you couldn't tell from that last clause we wrote, is god.fucking.awful. Díaz is a "Democrat" who miiiiiight vote for Trump. Ritchie Torres, who was running against Díaz, had said earlier in the race that it would be a "cruel irony" if Díaz ended up winning the race in NY-15, considering how it is literally the bluest district in the entire country.

The New York Times has a good write-up on how this could have ended up happening, and it involves Díaz Sr. having a certain base of evangelical support, and a son named Ruben Díaz Jr., who's not like his dad, but is the Bronx borough president, and other factors peculiar to the district. But it doesn't matter, at least right now, because RITCHIE TORRES blew out into the front of the pack in early results, and he's stayed there.

The race won't be officially called for days, because of absentee ballots, but polling dude Dave Wasserman is calling it:

Torres, as the Times notes, was the "first openly gay elected official in the Bronx and the youngest member of the [New York] City Council." If he ends up in Congress, he will be the first openly gay Black congressman, a title he'll have to share with Mondaire Jones, the openly gay Black progressive who won the primary to be Hillary Clinton's new congressman in New York's 17th District (that's Nita Lowey's current seat, and she is retiring). Torres would also be the first openly gay Latino and Afro-Latino member of Congress, as he is half Puerto Rican.

Did we mention he is absolutely darling? Watch this ode he gave to his mom last night and forget all about that Aryan dipshit at the beginning of this post:

OK, cool, we are married now. Hi, Ritchie, it's a pleasure to be your new husband, HIIIIIIIII.

Oh look, this tweet has Ritchie Torres AND Mondaire Jones in it! (You have to click on the little birdie to see the pic, our platform is being a common Madison Cawthorn right now):

HAPPY PRIDE.

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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