Meet Robert. Robert Wants To Be Governor Of Mississippi. OH NO, EVERYBODY THINKS YOU'RE F*CKING ROBERT NOW!
Stop us if you have heard this old yarn before!
There is a politician with weird Christian beliefs, and no, we don't mean he's weird because he's a Christian, we mean he's weird because he's got these fucked up stupidass beliefs, deserving of mockery and scorn, that say that women are, at heart, nothing more than sexual objects. Therefore he and his wife have a rule that says he's not allowed to be alone with any woman ever, even in work situations, because he might be forced to fuck her, by virtue of the fact that he is MAN. No seriously, this is what he believes! He says it's about preserving the so-called sanctity of his "Handmaid's Tale" marriage, and that he's only doing this because "people" will talk if they see him walking around the office by himself with a woman, or discussing a project at the water cooler, because everybody will look at them and immediately assume they are engaged in rollicking nightly bouts of #ForbiddenCoitus, and it will never even cross their minds that maybe they are coworkers. But you can tell that there is something much more gross at play, because WHAT THE FUCK ADULT WITH A MODICUM OF SELF-CONTROL NEEDS TO HAVE A "RULE" LIKE THIS? Upon hearing about the so-called couple's so-called rule, what people actually assume is that he has probably cheated on her with a lady, or possibly a gentleman, but shhhhh let's not talk about that.
No, we are not talking about Mike Pence (though of course, we are talking about Mike Pence).
We are talking about Robert Foster, who would like to be the GOP governor of Mississippi. He's a state representative from the metropolis of "Hernando," which is a suburb of Memphis, which means yr Memphis Wonkette right here is going to be keeping our eye out for Mr. Foster walking around with hot dudes half his age, just so we can nod to ourselves and say, "He's respecting his wife right now." Or maybe we will point and loudly say to bystanders, "Those guys right there are a good example of two people who are NOT fuckin'!"
ANYWAY. Larrison Campbell is a longtime Mississippi reporter who's covered Foster for ages. She even broke the story of Foster running for governor. And, well, don't know how to say this, but she is a W-O-M-A-N. And not just any woman, but a lesbian married kind of woman! And she wanted to do a ride-along with Foster on the campaign trail, and he said that's fine, but only if she brings along male supervision, we guess just in case Foster starts feeling Christian toward Campbell, in his pants. Or, you know, because "people" will talk if they see a reporter and a political candidate talking, because we all know that you can't spell "UNRESTRAINED FUCK SANDWICH" without "reporter" and "political candidate."
Larrison Campbell knows Robert Foster well. She has interviewed him numerous times. In fact, the reporter for Mississippi Today is the one who broke the story that Foster was running for governor in that state.
When she wanted to follow him on the campaign trail for a day — like the publication was doing with all the GOP gubernatorial candidates prior to the upcoming primary — she called Foster directly.
That's why Campbell was stunned when she heard back from Foster's campaign director, Colton Robison.
"Hey, I have a weird request," he told her, according to Campbell. "We're going to need you to bring a male colleague along."
As Campbell explains in a piece she wrote about the incident, all the other dudes running for governor are agreeing to ride-alongs. But no, the Foster campaign was not cool with it, even if Campbell wore a badge for Mississippi Today, her paper. We guess Foster is worried that people would still assume things about how irresistible he is sexually (like Mike Pence, he is not that) and wonder if the reporter keeps the badge on while they're doing the "My wife's out of town" horizontal jitterbug.
You will not be shocked to learn that Foster's reaction to this story has been not normal. It started casually enough:
HE FUCKS HIS WIFE! AND NOBODY ELSE! No word on whether he's required to call her "Mother."
"In our case, it was a female reporter asking to ride along, and my campaign director is in and out and gone sometimes. … It's just going to be a lot of opportunities for an awkward situation I didn't want to put myself in. … We just wanted to keep things professional."
Such awkward situations!
REPORTER: Care to comment on your tweet saying that anybody who votes for a Democrat is literally EVIL?
CANDIDATE: Oh shit, you're a lady! I am having an orgasm now, WHOA WHOA WHOA WHOA WHOA WHOA! People are gonna GOSSIP about this!
What. The. Fuck.
Campbell points out that these kinds of rules are just amazingly sexist:
"The inherent sexism — not only in his request, but just the Billy Graham rule in general," Campbell said. "I'm trying to do my job, and they are sexualizing me. They are saying, 'You're not a reporter first. You are a sexual creature.' They're saying people are more likely to believe that you're on this campaign trail because you have a relationship with him than because you're just doing a job. It's infuriating."
Yep, what she said. Hard to imagine Foster giving a highly qualified woman an important job or treating a woman equally in the workplace, too, because clearly in his worldview, women are just harlot Jezebel temptresses who are hungry for his wang, which we are all sure is, again, simply irresistible. (Nope.)
The point is that men like Foster and Pence need to GROW THE FUCK UP, and also fuck their weird "religious beliefs" that say men should never be required to psychosexually develop beyond getting a boner every time they see a pretty lady (or a dashing gentleman, but they never admit that part). These people are weird and yes, like we said, their "beliefs" deserve to be made fun of.
As you might expect, Foster's reaction to all of this has been MATURE:
Yeah, mm hmm, gonna fight the communists with your awkward boner, champ?
Ah, of course, he is being attacked for being "Christian," because dorks like this always like to pretend that all the very normal people who are Christians also act like this, which is offensive to Christendom itself.
At press time, Robert Foster could not be reached for comment because he had a boner and he was worried if he gave a comment to a political website with that ended in "-Ette," everybody would start talking and saying we were fucking.
(Just kidding, we didn't call that fucking dumbass for a comment, Jesus Christ, we have better things to do.)
In summary and in conclusion, here are some pics we found on this goddamned loser's Facebook, where he is pictured with people what are not his wife. You will probably start gossiping about how they are all sexing, because you are loose-y lip-py like that:
WHOA, WHAT'S GOING ON IN THAT LAST PIC?
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