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Last night, we were awakened by something that sounded somewhat like Gene Kelly tap-dancing around with a severe case of the shits, if Gene Kelly had been the type who tap-danced incessantly through the house because he reaaaaaallllly needed to go outside. Alas, it was not Gene Kelly, but instead our dog, who is wearing the cone of shame right now because she has a hot spot, and she's mad because said cone of shame prevents her from eating the hot spot and making it worse, as God intended. Therefore, the incessant pitter-patter, which sounded like the resurrected Gene Kelly with a severe case of the shits.

We bring this up for a couple of reasons. One, because it kept us up ALL NIGHT LONG. And two, because in our inability to fall back asleep, we ended up watching this video of CNN's Chris Cuomo making a Republican congressman tap-dance like a common Gene Kelly with the shits, but for a different reason!

Is that the set-up for this video you asked for? No, but it's the ONLY ONE YOU GET.

It is GOP Rep. Randy Weber, who, like many of the dumbest collections of ostensibly human cells ever to go to work in the US Capitol, is a representative from Texas. Weber had thoughts about Donald Trump's conspiracy theories about Crowdstrike, the company owned by a Ukrainian (not by a Ukrainian) which refused to give the very physically large DNC server (it's a cloud server) to the FBI, and instead buried it in the backyard of some rich guy in Ukraine, probably under the flower beds or something.

Behold.



WEBER: Chris, was Crowdstrike involved in the DCCC [sic] hacking? [It's the DNC, Weber can't even get this part straight.]

CUOMO: Yes.

WEBER: Is Crowdstrike in part owned by a Ukrainian?

CUOMO: No.

Now wait! Now just you wait a minute! Wait a consarn minute! Lemme get this straight!

WEBER: Really?

CUOMO: Yes.

WEBER: That's not the information -- yes, really? That's not the information that we have.

CUOMO: You have bad information.

You know, it's a shame Republicans were banned from Googling things for themselves in the great Obama GOP Google Purges of 2013. Perhaps Weber wouldn't say such dumb shit if that hadn't happened.

Cuomo got it a bit wrong in his response to Weber, referring to Dmitri Alperovitch, one of the co-founders of Crowdstrike, as "American-born of Russian descent." Alperovitch is actually a Russian expat, one who's been in America so long that he went to noted Ukrainian finishing school "Georgia Tech." He's an American citizen who escaped the Soviet Union with his family, moved to Canada when he was 14-ish, and then moved to Chattanooga, Tennessee, around a year after that. (We learned this by GOOGLING IT.)

And Crowdstrike is the cybersecurity firm the DNC hired originally to investigate the Russian hack. Crowdstrike, an American company, has other top-level executives who are also American, and exactly zero of them are wealthy Ukrainians like known dumbshit Donald Trump thinks they are, and as he alluded to when he babbled to Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy on the telephone, "they say Crowdstrike ... I guess you have one of your wealthy people ... The server, they say Ukraine has it."

And yes, like many things on the internet in 2019, "the server" does not take up an entire room of physical space, but is rather in the cloud. We don't expect Donald Trump to understand "the cloud," because he is too stupid and old to grasp such a thing.

(For a handy bookmark on just how screaming batshit Trump's conspiracy theory about Crowdstrike and Ukraine and THE SERVER is, The Daily Beast has a good piece.)

As for Randy Weber, well yes, sir, we understand "that's not the information [you] have," and that's because you aren't well acquainted with "information," and apparently lack the opposable thumbs and evolved brain required for Googling.

Cuomo went on to explain that Trump's former Homeland Security adviser Tom Bossert has said this conspiracy theory is "a joke," that approximately 75,000 experts testified in the impeachment hearings that Trump's hallucinations are bullshit, and that OH YEAH, the intel community has told Congress clearly that all the "UKRAINE IS THE REAL COLLUSION" conspiracy theories are Russian propaganda straight from the butthole of the Kremlin.

Weber was not deterred:

WEBER: What Trump is saying is go back and let's look at all of the information that's on the DCCC [sic] server ...

CUOMO: There was no server. They operated in a cloud system! THERE IS NO SERVER TO STEAL.

Randy Weber thinks it's just totally reasonable that Trump wanted Zelenskyy to investigate the imaginary server hacked and stolen by the imaginary Ukrainian, because that's an "example of corruption," and we all know how concerned Trump is with "corruption."

Ayup. You betcha.

There is literally no point in treating any elected Republican as a sentient or functional human being ever again, they have all malfunctioned.

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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