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Meet the Antichrist

'The Devil will see you now, Senator ...' - WonketteWe've been wondering what's up with this whole "Obama '08!" excitement, because the guy hasn't actually done anything but win his first Senate race after Republican Jack Ryan had to drop out. (Ryan was caught trying to peddle his wife's ass at Sex Clubs -- you know, the Star Trek alien gal with the crazy tits.)


But shocking new information was delivered by owl this morning to Wonkette's newsroom, and suddenly everything makes perfect sense.

Barack Obama is the ... Anti Christ. Or antichrist, that's a good way to spell it, too. More than you ever imagined, after the jump.

What exactly is this Antichrist, anyways? Like most crazy Jesus Freak stuff -- the Rapture, Christmas, Easter, 666, etc. -- the popular concept doesn't appear in the actual Bible and was just made up by some nuts. The word antichrist (from the Greek antíkhristos, meaning "instead of Christ") appears all of five times in the whole Bible, exclusively in the epistles John 1 and John 2.

And in those New Testament letters, the right-wing evangelical author is arguing against the popular gnostic Christian sects because they didn't believe Jesus was a real person, or actually the Son of God or whatever. These people were pushing something "instead of Christ." That's all. Jesus was an alien.

Leave it to Christians to spend the next 2,000 years coming up with the most incredible backstory to go with the meager source material. Pulling stuff from Daniel and the Book of Revelation and, mostly, their collective ass, the Jesus Freaks have come to the conclusion that the Anti Christ is some modern-day political figure that will rise up and do good things, winning massive support from Democrats and Republicans (right ...) and performing all the magic tricks attributed to Jesus in the Gospels, such as raising the dead, curing lepers and turning water into wine like some kind of mystical Trader Joe's wholesale supplier.

Next, the Antichrist does terrible things to the Middle East, and then he becomes this totalitarian evil leader and forces humanity to suffer many "trials and tribulations." Yeah, we know, this is obviously Dick Cheney. So why bring in Obama?

Two reasons: Most Jesus Freaks are Red Staters, and the Antichrist is supposed to start off as a good person.

There are 16,000 Google matches for "Barack Obama" and Antichrist." That's nothing compared to the 169,000 Antichrist matches for Dick Cheney, but Cheney's been doing his evil work since Nixon Administration.

The middle-of-the-road Washington rookie is mostly an Antichrist candidate because people think he's nice. How freakin' cynical can you get?! Jesus Freaks knew Obama was The One (or "AC") as soon as he gave his famous speech in 2004 -- a speech that's famous for not sucking as hard as Kerry's:

* People can think what they want about me, I could really give a hoot. People think that the AC is coming out of the mid-east. My personal belief is that the AC is going to rise right out of the UN, and with this guys popularity, charisma, and how he is climbing the ranks in government real fast!!!, He may be in the UN next.

* When I first heard of Barak, a few days ago, the first thing I heard is that he is a guy who came out of nowhere and now many flock to his side. When my wife and I heard this, we both thought the same thing, the anti-christ. Now I am not claiming him to be, just something that triggered that thought in both of us.

* My sister and I both feel something "spooky" about this guy, but can't quite figure out what it is. It is odd that strangers come up to him on the street. Why would they do that, unless they were drawn to him.

* I don't think we should directly label Obama as AC, but it is very interresting. While I was watching him, the VERY FIRST thought that came to my mind was asking the Lord if I was looking at the AC. I don't have a big opinion either way, but man, that was pretty scary.

Also, even though Obama's from Hawaii (spooky!), his dad is from Kenya ... which is, uhm, closer to the Middle East, which is where most Jesus Freaks believe the "AC" needs to be born.

Oh, and some idiot "pundits" apparently started referring to Obama as "the messiah." That's a pretty good way to freak out the Free Republic crowd! See, the antichrist is also supposed to be a "false messiah," who tricks everybody, and then right before you die the real Jesus appears and rapes you to death, and then you burn in Hell for eternity, and Obama laughs and laughs.

Worse, we've just discovered that the anagram of "Barack Obama" is "Maraca Kabob." (Sorry, George Allen! It was damned close.)

Maraca, as in Mexico, as in some sort of immigration freakout (very scary!) or the sinister joining of Mexico and the United States, and Kabob, as in the shared food of Arabs and Israelis, and also probably in Kenya somewhere, which clearly suggests the Final Battle of Armageddon shall be fought at some Middle East place possibly mentioned in the Book of Revelation.

While it's true that Jerry Falwell (or Pat Robertson, one of those scumbags) says the Antichrist must be a dirty Jew, if Obama is like most senators it will soon turn out that he, too, rides with the Tribe.

Whether Obama is the Antichrist or not, something weird is going on in America's confused psyche when it considers the junior senator from Illinois. There's the blatant and subtle racism factor, which takes the redneck fear to a horrifying extreme: Not only is the black man taking the white woman, but the "mixed race" child becomes president.

Then there's the general unease even felt by those who don't consider him the A.C.

I was discussing Obama with a friend of mine shortly after his speech to the Democratic Convention, and we both confessed to having the almost immediate fear that this man would be assassinated.
Sure, great.

We're just creeped out by all the geek fanboy love for Obama, like these nerds drooling over their keyboards because he's so smart and pretty. Stop it, goddammit. He's just a politician who hasn't been caught yet.

Why Barack Obama can kiss my ass [Making Light]

Barack Obama: Could he be too popular? [Free Republic]

-- KEN LAYNE

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