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She looks very pretty.


Ooh Megyn Kelly is so great, ahh, she's nowhere near as much of a braindead loud-mouthed tub of dickcheese giblets as Sean Hannity or Bill O'Reilly. She even thinks her own brain thoughts sometimes, unlike those other Fox News chicks like Andrea Tantaros (with her bikini) and Dana Perino (whose husband was arrested one time)! She's the conservative Fox News twit we get to love, right?

That's the general tone of Evgenia Peretz's tongue-bathing cover story profile on Kelly in February's Vanity Fair. Here are Wonkette's favoritest parts:

She was a real pukebox the day of the Republican debate when she menstruated all over Donald Trump, with questions.

Remember when Megyn Kelly said a mean to Donald Trump about how he is a total pig sexist from hell? Here was that quote:

You’ve called women you don’t like fat pigs, dogs, slobs, and disgusting animals.... You once told a contestant on Celebrity Apprentice it would be a pretty picture to see her on her knees. Does that sound to you like the temperament of a man we should elect as president, and how will you answer the charge from Hillary Clinton … that you are part of the war on women?

Ooh, she was so mad, and Donald Trump could tell she was "bleeding from her wherever" when she asked it! It almost didn't happen:

The morning of the debate ... she got violently ill. But, she says, “I would have crawled over a pile of hot coals to make it to that debate. No one was going to be sitting in for me, reading my questions. And I can say with confidence that neither Bret nor Chris wanted to read my questions—for many reasons!” She did the debate with a blanket over her legs and a bucket to throw up in by her side.

But instead the barf bucket got used for her wherever blood, at least the stuff that didn't get on Donald Trump's face. And with that question, Megyn Kelly solved sexism forever.

But don't call her a feminist because EWWW GROSS.

[contextly_sidebar id="XzfugbJXK1irIa9gXzfcFJOu5L8gCDfd"]One time, Megyn Kelly responded to Mike Huckabee rage-leaking from his undergirth about ladies cussing by basically yelling "Cock dick motherfucker pussy I'M A LADY, YOU SUCK MY NUTS, FOOL!" at him. That was neat. Then there was another time she basically sliced Erick Erickson's dick off, the one he uses with his love goat "Greta" (allegedly!), right there on the television screen, in the name of gender equality. We like that Megyn!

But she does not like being called a "feminist," no siree:

“Why can’t there be an acknowledgment that, in some instances, women remove themselves from the workforce for a long time and when they come back of course they’re not going to get exactly equal pay?” she asks. “It’s like some of these things are anathema—if you say them, you get booted out of the feminist club…. Gloria Steinem doesn’t get to kick those other women out of the feminist club, or the female-empowerment club, because she says so!” Sensing herself getting uppity, she laughs and does a sassy snap across her face for emphasis.

UPPITY SASSY SNAPS YA BURNT, GLORIA STEINEM!

Also, Megyn says her opinions on abortion are a secret between her and her husband. We guess it's their pillow talk or something.

Speaking of pillow talk, Megyn Kelly is Oprah Walter Cronkite Barbara Walters in the streets, and Larry The Cable Guy between the sheets.

[contextly_sidebar id="Gggx9TjE8eJpV4GGTVRyapfIzTRoEk1D"]Remember when Donald Trump proved Megyn Kelly is the real sexist, because one time she talked about her husband's dick on the Howard Stern show? Of course, she lied by omission in that way that ladies (and some gentlemen!) do when they're all "I have no complaints smiley face emoticon ¯\_(ツ)_/¯," which means they ARE GETTIN' TOP NOTCH "D" ON THE REGULAR. Kelly's husband, Doug Brunt, has some thoughts to share about Megyn's "D":

[S]he’s like a combination of Walter Cronkite, Barbara Walters, Oprah Winfrey, and then a Grisham character who’s a scrappy guy from the other side of the tracks who has a rare gift for the law, in a Grace Kelly package, with a little Larry the Cable Guy sprinkled on top.

Ew, good sir, we do not want to think about how Larry the Cable Guy is "sprinkled" upon any part of Megyn Kelly, and will therefore assume this is a private married sex thing that should not be discussed in the august pages of Wonkette Dot Com.

In conclusion, and for actual.

[contextly_sidebar id="WoTifPtS0fZPTZJuZQejaYXpIAbJ15EQ"]The rest of the article is fluff about how Megyn's jokes are so funny and she's just a true blue badass, blah blah blah, Evgenia Peretz has a major ladyboner right now for Megyn Kelly, just like Ted Nugent has a major ladyboner for Megyn Kelly.

And it's true, Kelly is definitely the blonde wigstand on Fox News who is least awful. But that does not mean she is not the worst, also too!

Like one time she said she wasn't going to be too hard on poor Maw and Paw Duggar for covering up their son Josh's sister-diddling ways. And why? Because Bill Clinton, obviously. Then there was that time she reassured sad old white people that yes, Santa Claus is white, and yes, Jesus is white, because AS IF, YOU GUYS.

The point is that Megyn Kelly is kind of a dick, even though she does Good Things sometimes. So enough with the fawning, all right?

[Vanity Fair]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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