Melania Trump Extends Sympathy To Real Capitol Riot Victim, AKA Herself

White House

Melon, you ignorant slut! What the hell is THIS?

With nearly every experience I have had, I found myself carrying many individual's [sic] stories home with me in my heart.

Most recently, my heart goes out to: Air Force Veteran, Ashli Babbit, Benjamin Philips, Kevin Greeson, Rosanne Boyland, and Capitol Police Officers, Brian Sicknick and Howard Liebengood. I pray for their families comfort and strength during this difficult time.

Did she ... did she express sympathy for the terrorists who invaded Congress and waged insurrection against this country before she got around to mentioning the Capitol police officer they beat to death? What the hell is wrong with this woman, and where is her staff? Is that what passes for #BeBest in the last few minutes of this four-year nightmare?


Go on, honey, get it all out.

I am disappointed and disheartened with what happened last week. I find it shameful that surrounding these tragic events there has been salacious gossip, unwarranted personal attacks, and false misleading accusations on me – from people who are looking to be relevant and have an agenda. This time is solely about healing our country and its citizens. It should not be used for personal gain.

Because the real victim here is Melania Trump. Why are you saying these salacious gossips about her? Have you no heart during our nation's time of mourning?

And also what salacious gossip? Because literally no one was talking about Lady Airbrush other than to thank the universe for her imminent absence from the national scene. But we all really need a palate cleanser after those Armie Hammer DMs last night (if you haven't, seriously, don't), so spill it, FLOTUS.

The closest we could sleuth up was this story from CNN that said Melania probably could have prevailed upon her husband to call back the rioters racing through the Capitol shouting "Hang Mike Pence," but she was busy with an important photo shoot.

Professional lighting, the sort used for photography and videography, could be seen through the windows of the White House. "Photos were being taken of rugs and other items in the Executive Residence and the East Wing," a person familiar with the day's activities with the first lady told CNN. Trump -- who, as CNN has reported, has expressed interest in writing a coffee table book about decorative objects she has amassed and had restored in the White House -- was overseeing the photo project, said the source, with her remaining time in the White House dwindling.

Leave aside for a moment whether Madame "I Really Don't Care, Do U?" would have any interest in reining in her husband's violent supporters. This is, after all, the birther-nonsense-spewing villain who blamed Barack Obama when her husband locked up migrant children. The same Melania who bitched about having to decorate the White House for Christmas and shrugged off anti-semitic attacks by Trump supporters on reporter Julia Ioffe, saying, "she provoked them."

It really is a bit too on the nose that, as her husband's goons were laying siege to Congress, Melania was figuring out one last scheme to enrich herself on the taxpayer dime by photographing the people's house and its furnishings for a book. Comparing this administration and the last is a fool's errand, but good Lord, can you imagine the Republican shitfit if Michelle Obama had tried to hawk photos of the White House decor, much less photos taken during a riot her husband had incited?

The rest of the First Lady's pronouncement was gobbledygook pablum about "American's [sic] unwavering resolve to help one another."

As an American, I am proud of our freedom to express our viewpoints without persecution. It is one of the paramount ideals which America is fundamentally built on. Many have made the ultimate sacrifice to protect that right. With that in mind, I would like to call on the citizens of this country to take a moment, pause, and look at things from all perspectives.

I implore people to stop the violence, never make assumptions based on the color of a person's skin or use differing political ideologies as a basis for aggression and viciousness. We must listen to one another, focus on what unites us, and rise above what divides us.

The closest she comes to mentioning the insurrection is a line encouraging her followers to keep the faith, but maybe tone down the government overthrow part: "It is inspiring to see that so many have found a passion and enthusiasm in participating in an election, but we must not allow that passion to turn to violence." You know, instead of smearing feces on the halls of Congress as you bay for legislators' heads, why not channel it into home decor like Her Nibs?

Oh, are we gossiping salaciously about the First Lady? So sorry about that, we really must get our divisiveness in check! By which we mean, GET THE HELL OUT, YOU HORRIBLE WOMAN.

And, PS, hope that photographer got paid in advance. Don't think that book will be hitting the shelves any time soon.

[FLOTUS Statement / CNN]

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Liz Dye

Liz Dye lives in Baltimore with her wonderful husband and a houseful of teenagers. When she isn't being mad about a thing on the internet, she's hiding in plain sight in the carpool line. She's the one wearing yoga pants glaring at her phone.

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