RESCUE ME!

Melania Trump, she exists! The wife of Donald Trump, who does not like the campaign trail and might maybe file for divorce 48 hours after her husband loses the election, hit the campaign trail on Thursday, and she said a speech! Now, we're not sure which Michelle Obama speech she pilfered this time, but at least there were lines about how she was a little girl in Slovenia, so we're guessing her speechwriter at least removed the proper nouns and delivered it to her Mad Libs-style this time.

It was a serviceable speech. An immigrant model lady with a thick accent told a buncha good old boys in Pennsylvania that the meaning of America is that "if you could dream it, you could become it," which Rebecca noted in the Wonket Chatcave is pretty much the same thing as Dr. Frank-N-Furter's "Don't Dream It, Be It" thing. And if you combine that with that time she managed to drop a Rick-Roll during her RNC speech, we can only conclude her speechwriter also is a bit of a prankster. (Or maybe she plagiarized Marla Maples, according to one report on the internet!)

You can watch the whole thing if you wanna, but we just want to zero in on the part where she talked about how she worries about protecting children from regular bullies and cyber-bullies and HAHAHAHAHAHAHA, DOES SHE EVEN KNOW WHO SHE'S MARRIED TO? Maybe if she wanted to do something about bullying, she could remove the tongue and short Twitter fingers of the actual, childish bully who suffocates her with his Big Orange Gross-Body each evening. Just a thought!

Here's what Melania says she's worried about, and wants to work on if she's first lady:

I do worry about all of our children. As we know, now social media is the centerpiece of our lives. It can be a useful tool for connection and communication. It can ease the isolation that so many people feel in the modern world. [...]

But like anything that is powerful, it can have a bad side. We have seen this already. As adults, many of us are able to handle mean words, even lies. Children and teenagers can be fragile. They are hurt when they are made fun of, or made to feel less in looks or intelligence. This makes their life hard, and can force them to hide and retreat.

Our culture has gotten too mean and too rough, especially to children and teenagers. It is never OK when a 12-year-old girl or boy is mocked, bullied, or attacked. It is terrible when that happens on the playground, and it's especially unacceptable when it's done by someone with no name hiding on the internet.

OK, we're gonna cut off this feel-good love-fest right here, because fuck that noise. Of course, we agree with her sentiments, but Donald fucking Trump is the YOOGEST insulter of people based on their looks and intelligence on planet Earth. Just take a gander at the New York Times's list of all the people the Spray-Tanned Dipshit has bullied on Twitter. Megyn Kelly, Alicia Machado, Katy Tur, John McCain, Jon Stewart, random TV shows ... holy fuck.

We're sorry, but we just do not buy that somebody who bangs Donald Trump is qualified to save America's children from bullying, especially since teachers around America are seeing a rise in schoolyard bullying among kids and actually calling it "The Trump Effect."

Then again, she said it's "especially unacceptable" when people do cyber-bullying anonymously, so maybe her real message is "At least my misogynistic pig-fucker husband does it from his verified Twitter account!"

PFFFFFFFFFT!

We don't know how Melania's little pep talk really went over with the Trump crowd, but we're gonna guess at least 40% of the men in the audience elbowed their buddies and said, "Can't understand that funny accent, but she's a piece of ass! Git 'er done, Mr. Trump, git 'er done!"

The other 60% went home, locked themselves in the bathroom and Googled "Melania Trump nudie pics" on their Obamaphones.

(Allegedly.)

[Time]