Melania's New Christmas Hell House Is Up
Do you remember this festive scene from last Christmas at the White House?
Do you remember that scene because it haunts your nightmares? Is it possible you died there? Is your mom Winona Ryder and you are trying to communicate with her through the Christmas lights because you are trapped in an alternate dimension and it is called
Melania Trump's Christmas Hell House the Upside Down?
Well, get ready, because it's Christmastime at the White House again, and this year the theme is BLOOD.
You can see in the early renderings of the design for the HALL OF BLOOD that the theme was going to be BLOOD.
We apologize. We just got a call from the Wonkette Factchecking Department, and they told us to please allow for at least the possibility that Stephen Miller helped with the design and that was supposed to be a hall of KKK grand wizard hats. So this is us, allowing for that possibility!
Whatever it is, here it comes, and it is BLOODY FURRY KKK GRAND WIZARD HATS.
This is appropriate. It's depressing as hell, it's ugly as all fuck, and it looks clumpy and overgrown and fake. Melania Trump designed a hallway that looks like her husband's naked body.
Watch out, kids! Here comes the first lady, and she is going to tear-gas you with BAD TASTE!
Some of the other trees aren't bad. Barron probably did them.
There is also some themed thing where there are decorations that look like the skylines of cities that wouldn't be caught dead voting for Donald Trump, so we guess those are fine. Oh hey, New York, HAPPY
THE PURGE HOLIDAYS, LOVE MELANIA!
Here's a close-up of a non-blood tree with a #BeBest ornament and what appears to be some sort of stray red panty:
Awwwww, it is the first lady looking at her wreath! And her wreath looks like a ... turkey-shaped firework having a brain aneurysm? Sure why not, it's Christmas.
Oh but look closer, dear sweet children. Go stand there next to the first lady of the United States, who is the exact opposite of a stranger, so don't you even worry about that! You see that?
It's another fucking #BeBest thing. Made out of pencils. With a big ol' gaping anus in the middle because Jesus Christ.
Can you imagine if Michelle Obama had plastered her Let's Arugula! slogans all over the Christmas decorations? Fox News would have literally died, and for once, we might have halfway agreed with them.
But no, we are going to pretend this is "good" and "classy."
These trees appear to be made of green beans and dead leaves with a fucking bird on top:
These trees appear to be bleeding from the bottom, to remind us this Christmas that some people (Donald) are sick underneath.
Oh no, it's climbing up the poles! Before we know it, it will have infected the sconces!
Oh no, where is the first lady going? Meh, she is probably going to go fire the secretary of State for looking at her funny.
Anyway, have yourself a merry little Christmas, make the Yuletide BLOOD.
From now on your troubles will be MAGNIFIED BY ALL THE BLOOD.
In most holy baby Jesus's name, Amen.
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HI. IT IS THE HOLIDAYS. WE WOULD LIKE TO PAY OUR WRITERS PLEASE. IF YOU ARE THANKFUL FOR US, MAYBE SOME MONEY?