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Politico had some reporting this morning that should have been comforting. A memo had gone out from the White House Management Office to people who work in the Executive Office of the President, instructing them to, starting Jan. 4, please start going through your desks, clean your microwaves and mini-fridges, return shit you have stolen from White House back to White House, and for the love of Christ, put all your Hitler-headed dildos in some bubble wrap and TAKE THEM HOME, STEPHEN MILLER. (ALLEGEDLY!)

Also if any staffers happened to accidentally take home the Bin Laden server that has all the evidence of Trump's traitor calls with foreign leaders, you need to BRING IT BACK.

It may not have been worded exactly like that, but you get the idea, and you also get the mental image of Stephen Miller's bald head running across the White House lawn concealed-carrying a Hitler-headed dildo because he doesn't want any of the other Trump staffers to take it from him.

The existence of that memo made us feel good. Despite all the insanity, reassurance that yes, Trump is leaving. Forever. Even if he has to be physically carried out of there by Secret Service. (More on that in a sec.)

But then we refreshed the page and Politico had changed its headline, to "Trump White House staffers receive conflicting messages about their departure." Oh, for Christ's sake.


Where they had been told they "will start departing" on Jan. 4, we guess Fuckface in the Oval got wind of it and got angry because of all the disloyalty. (He is very mad these days, we hear.) Now a new memo has been sent to the same White House staffers, saying "please disregard" and "updated information will be shared in the coming days." So we guess the staffers now have to pretend they're not leaving Jan. 19. (They typically leave the day before the inaugural.)

Therefore, Stephen Miller, you may leave das butt Führer where it is for now. (Allegedly!)

Because Trump literally actually still thinks there's a tinker's damn of a snowball's chance in hell that he might still be president come the afternoon of Jan. 20.

Which brings us to some reporting in the Daily Beast that is more comforting. The Secret Service doesn't actually have a specific plan in place for what they would do if a large scaly orange blob of pus and bullshit named Donald Trump refused to vacate the premises Jan. 20, because that's unprecedented. But according to the Beast's sources, there is a plan in place that should work just fine:

[W]hat would happen if Trump simply said no [to leaving]?

"Well, I guess by law he would be a trespasser," a former Secret Service agent said. "We'd have to escort him out."

See? Easy. Handle him as you will.

The Beast talked to lots of people in the know on this sort of thing, gathering details on how it all works. They note that once the Electoral College is certified Jan. 6, everything will pretty much switch over automatically:

After the certification of the Electoral College on Jan. 6, the White House Military Office will prepare a briefing for President-elect Joe Biden on the contents of the president's emergency satchel, often known as the football, with a secure satellite phone and laminated nuclear war option guide inside. They will accept, from the National Security Agency, a set of presidential authentication cards, known as biscuits, that will be active the moment Biden is sworn in. Each has two columns of letters and numbers on it, and are used by the Pentagon emergency action controllers to positively identify the president.

Biden will probably get that briefing on the 19th, maybe at the same time Stephen Miller is running across the lawn with Hitler Von Penisburg under his armpit (allegedly!), and he'll get a personal military aide. (Biden will get a personal military aide. Not Hitler Von Penisburg.)

The next day, Jan. 20, Biden will become president at noon. Know what automatically happens then? All Trump's biscuits gonna stop working, as if by magic.

Of course, the Beast does work through the scenario of what happens if Trump refuses to physically leave, which got you the quote above about trespassers. It also produced this quote from a former Secret Service bigwig:

"I think I'd have a conversation with the chief of staff, and then the family, Ivanka and the other kids and say, 'It's going to be your job to make sure he's gone,'" a former senior Secret Service official said.

In other words, dangle Snausages in front of his face and lead him out, Ivanka. It's over.

But what if some Secret Service people are feeling secretly service-y toward Trump? Will they help him do a coup? Daily Beast says LOL:

The Secret Service's deputy director, Leonza Newsome III, was the head of Biden's vice-presidential detail during the Obama administration.

Womp womp.

Point is, if Trump's ass is still there at noon on Jan. 20, he will be removed one way or another. Trump staffers, you really do have to GTFO on Jan. 19, whether you start packing Jan. 4 or not.

And if you happen to leave your Hitler-headed dildo in your drawer after the 19th, STEPHEN MILLER ALLEGEDLY, because you are some moron who really thinks your Dear Leader is going to be able to pull off a coup, we are sorry, but you just forfeited it. We don't know if the Secret Service has safe disposal best practices for that sort of thing, but we trust they'll be incinerated along with whatever else remains of the Trump presidency.

Get the fuck out, losers.

[Daily Beast]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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