Michael Cohen, You Are GUILTY! GO THE FUCK TO JAIL (WITH PAUL MANAFORT)!
Oh hi! Michael Cohen is going to jail, because he is guilty! Just like Paul Manafort is guilty and GO THE FUCK TO JAIL! WHERE HE ALREADY WAS! (Read up on that here!) And all this news came out in the same hour, somehow, because we live in the dumbest fucking episode of "Law & Order" Dick Wolf ever threw on the cutting room floor, on account of how it was too stupid for words.
However, Cohen avoided a big nasty trial (or series of trials, like Manafort opted for) by just cold pleading guilty to a buncha fuckin' crimes, like a crimer who does a buncha fuckin' crimes all the time. And he implicated Donald Trump in a couple of them!
NBC News reported live on the TV that Cohen pleaded guilty to eight counts (just like Manafort is guilty of eight counts!). The first five are tax evasion; one is bank fraud; and the other two are juicy as fuck. Cohen admitted that in the summer of 2016, he conspired with "CEO" and "candidate" to make a $150,000 payoff to "lady" to keep her "boning" with "candidate" a secret. (CEO = David Pecker, who owns the National Enquirer; Candidate = Donald Trump; Lady = Karen McDougal; Boning = BONING.)
And then Cohen admitted that he colluded with "candidate" (Trump) to use his porny lady slush fund (which also has a lot of Russians in it, so weird!) to pay $130,000 to "different lady" (Stormy Daniels) to keep some more "boning" (LOTTA BONING) a secret. According to NBC News, the judge asked Cohen if he knew what he was doing was illegal. His answer was "yes." Cohen reportedly admitted that he did this at the direction of "candidate" (HILLARY??? No, we josh you, it is Trump), and that he sent fake invoices to the Trump Organization so that he could be reimbursed for paying off the porn ladies. He also reportedly teared up a few times, awwwwwwwwww, GO TO JAIL, FUCKHEAD!
Also, OH HOLY SHIT, Mr. Co-Conspirator Donald Trump! Looks like the witch hunt found another witch, and it is YOU!
Remember that time Donald Trump looked reporters in the face and lied about whether he knew about the payoffs? Good times. Here's the transcript of that, tweeted by Chris Cillizza, who decided to be useful for once:
After the hearing, the prosecutor addressed the press and explained the charges, noting that Cohen admitted he did all this for the purpose of influencing the 2016 election. The prosecutor also noted that Cohen failed to report somewhere around $4.1 million in income from all his many revenue streams, including his screwball fraudy scammy taxi medallion business. (You'll remember that Evgeny "Gene" Freidman, another fraudy scammy taxi man known as the "Taxi King" flipped on Cohen a while back.)
For more on the charges against Cohen, please enjoy the government's information document on all the crimes Cohen did. To entice you, the government charges that Cohen actually worked with people on the Trump campaign on the porn payoffs.
Oh, how the walls are closing in!
Cohen could be going to jail up to five years and three months for his crimes. (He is not actually going to jail today. He walked on $500,000 bail.) According to WaPo, Cohen finally agreed to do a deal because prosecutors were saying it was going to be more like 12 years, which we still think is lenient, since all these motherfuckers should be LOCK HER UPPED forever.
Want to see a funny tweet? OK, since you asked nicely:
Now, it does not appear Cohen is entering a cooperating agreement right now. But he may not need to, since he just publicly declared the president to be a liar and a crimer and a piece of shit. Also remember that this is SDNY. Special counsel Robert Mueller punted this stuff over to SDNY, so this plea shouldn't keep Cohen from talking to Mueller, if Mueller needs him. (Pretty sure he still has a FUCKTON of receipts to share.) It should also give the government room to dangle sweet frosted carrots in front of Cohen's face, to make his stay in jail a bit shorter, unless he wants to stay there forever like a common Paul Manafort.
Is it possible Trump has already promised Cohen a pardon? Could be. But we're not so sure, now that we've seen how hard he implicated Trump in his guilty plea.
Is it possible he's actually already been cooperating, without being in an official "agreement"? Solid maybe.
It's also possible Cohen is well and truly fucked. WaPo includes this enticing sentence:
Special-counsel investigators have indicated to federal law enforcement officials that the office does not require Cohen's cooperation for its probe, according to two people familiar with their work.
Uh oh! Did the window for cooperation slam shut? Well damn, son.
Michael Avenatti would like to weigh in now, because of course he would. Hiiiiiiiiii, Michael Avenatti!
So this has been a fun day!
Donald Trump has a rally in West Virginia tonight. When he got off the plane, a reporter asked him about the day's events, and hand to god, he said "WITCH HUNT" and "NO COLUSION."
Also, Omarosa is releasing a video tape on "Hardball" tonight, so ...
Tonight should be totally fuckin' chill, right? RIGHT?
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