OOOOOH, SPILL IT HONEY! Michael Cohen has agreed to testify publicly before the House Oversight Committee about all Trump's dirrrrty filthy secrets. Well, not all of them. Chairman Elijah Cummings isn't trying to kneecap Robert Mueller's investigation like a common Trey Gowdy or Devin Nunes, so he'll steer clear of the details in the Russia investigation, so we guess we'll have to save getting recommendations for the best AirBnBs in Prague for another day, allegedly. But hinky shit at the Trump Org and the hush money payoffs to all the ladies that Trump bumped his orange bits against are fair game. Bow chicka bow bow! And also EWWWWWWWWW.

Cohen will appear in open session on February 7 "to give a full and credible account of the events which have transpired." And if we might be so bold, Yr Wonkette would like to suggest a question for Chairman Cummings. To wit: Who the hell is Executive 2?

Someone at the Trump Organization agreed to launder the Stormy Daniels payout through Trump's trust account as a series of sham invoices for legal work. We know that Executive-1 is Trump Org CEO Allen Weisselberg, and we're taking a wild shot in the dark that Executive-2 is a soon-to-be officially divorced father of five who likes to shoot elephants and make sexy-times with surgically altered Fox bots. (You know, allegedly.)


Riiiiiiight. Trump's eldest failson has been saying for months that he expects to be indicted, so thanks Deej for this kum-ba-yah moment where right and left can come together for once and agree on something.

Jim Jordan, the top minority dipshit on Oversight -- and Wonkette Legislative Shitmuffin of 2018! -- has derided Cohen's testimony as "political theater rather than legitimate oversight." Which is presumably the same answer he gave when asked about the hundreds of wrestlers molested on his watch at Ohio State. People whose opinions actually matter, like House Intelligence Committee Chairman Adam Schiff and Senate Intelligence Chair Richard Burr, are hoping to arrange closed-door testimony on the Russia investigation with Cohen soon. Better do it before March, boys, unless you want to have to carpool that idiot FROM PRISON.

So now that Cohen is talking -- and now that he says he wants to really come clean instead of crossing his fingers during the "so help me God" and the "tell the truth" parts of being sworn under oath -- here's a list of seven possible questions for Mikey C. You know, just in case Schiff and Cummings are taking requests:

  1. Just how many Peggy Petersons are out there unaccounted for as of yet? We know about Stormy Daniels and Karen McDougal. Exactly how many women did Donald Dickington, ahem David Dennison, pay off during the campaign, either through his buddies at The National Enquirer, or otherwise?
  2. Why'd ya lie to Congress about the timing of the Trump Tower Moscow deal? Anybody at the White House tell you to do it?
  3. Have you ever seen President Sundowner ingest controlled substances and/or participate in falsification of his own medical records?
  4. Did you discuss with Donald Trump the impossibility of building a Trump Tower Moscow without lifting sanctions on Russian state bank VTB? And did Trump know about the plan to "gift" the penthouse to Vladimir Putin?
  5. WTF is really up with Elliott Broidy? How the hell does a guy worth hundreds of millions of dollars wind up represented by a hustler like you in that pregnant playmate payoff?
  6. WTF is really up with Jerry Falwell, Jr? How'd you wind up in the middle of that poolboy hotel deal? Like ... come on!
  7. Come on, you can tell us -- the pee tape is totally real, right?

Gonna be lit! And, BTW, Yr Wonkette is totally available on February 7. In fact, if members of Congress need help at the hearing, we will clear our busy calendar for the whole day.



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Five Dollar Feminist

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Remember a few weeks ago when House Judiciary Committee Chair Jerry Nadler sent a very nice and loving request to 81 people and entities associated with Donald Trump, including the White House, asking to please FUCKING GIVE IT a million documents, in order to aid Judiciary's investigation into Trump's millions of crimes? Well, the deadline was Monday, and some folks are helping! Others are not!

According to Nadler, they've already gotten "tens of thousands" of documents, and all signs point to more document requests coming, to approximately one million more people. There have been some surprises, too. Steve Bannon is helping a LOT, turning over thousands of pages (which is perhaps too much if you've ever seen that episode of "The West Wing," where CJ Cregg talks about being so crazy over-compliant with Congress that they just snow down investigators with everything, including take-out menus and junk mail). Trump Inauguration weirdo/longtime associate Tom Barrack is helping, and Hope Hicks is also too gonna be a good little helper. And so on!

And some are asking for "friendly subpoenas," like for instance attorney Keith Davidson, who used to rep Stormy Daniels and Karen McDougal, who's asking for that in order to "formalize the process," as Politico puts it. (Some people don't like being asked nicely.)

Still others are saying straight up NO, and some of them have better reasons than others. Roger Stone is pleading the Fifth on advice of counsel because, you know, he's in trouble with the law right now. Rick Gates says he can't really help, citing how he is still a cooperating witness who is very business hunting wabbits in multiple ongoing investigations. And Julian Assange said no, because (LOL) he is a journalist, you guys, and Congress shouldn't subpoena journalists about their sources. (Actually WikiLeaks is a cut-out for Russian intelligence. Which is kind of like "journalist," except not remotely.)

But the real story here is that the White House, in response to pretty much every document request it's gotten, is saying "FUCK OFF! WE ARE GOING TO DO THE WATERGATE THING! IT WORKED OUT VERY WELL, IN WATERGATE! FUCK IT, LET'S DO THE WATERGATE THING!"

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