Michael Cohen Is Ready For His Close-Up

OOOOOH, SPILL IT HONEY! Michael Cohen has agreed to testify publicly before the House Oversight Committee about all Trump's dirrrrty filthy secrets. Well, not all of them. Chairman Elijah Cummings isn't trying to kneecap Robert Mueller's investigation like a common Trey Gowdy or Devin Nunes, so he'll steer clear of the details in the Russia investigation, so we guess we'll have to save getting recommendations for the best AirBnBs in Prague for another day, allegedly. But hinky shit at the Trump Org and the hush money payoffs to all the ladies that Trump bumped his orange bits against are fair game. Bow chicka bow bow! And also EWWWWWWWWW.

Cohen will appear in open session on February 7 "to give a full and credible account of the events which have transpired." And if we might be so bold, Yr Wonkette would like to suggest a question for Chairman Cummings. To wit: Who the hell is Executive 2?

Someone at the Trump Organization agreed to launder the Stormy Daniels payout through Trump's trust account as a series of sham invoices for legal work. We know that Executive-1 is Trump Org CEO Allen Weisselberg, and we're taking a wild shot in the dark that Executive-2 is a soon-to-be officially divorced father of five who likes to shoot elephants and make sexy-times with surgically altered Fox bots. (You know, allegedly.)


Riiiiiiight. Trump's eldest failson has been saying for months that he expects to be indicted, so thanks Deej for this kum-ba-yah moment where right and left can come together for once and agree on something.

Jim Jordan, the top minority dipshit on Oversight -- and Wonkette Legislative Shitmuffin of 2018! -- has derided Cohen's testimony as "political theater rather than legitimate oversight." Which is presumably the same answer he gave when asked about the hundreds of wrestlers molested on his watch at Ohio State. People whose opinions actually matter, like House Intelligence Committee Chairman Adam Schiff and Senate Intelligence Chair Richard Burr, are hoping to arrange closed-door testimony on the Russia investigation with Cohen soon. Better do it before March, boys, unless you want to have to carpool that idiot FROM PRISON.

So now that Cohen is talking -- and now that he says he wants to really come clean instead of crossing his fingers during the "so help me God" and the "tell the truth" parts of being sworn under oath -- here's a list of seven possible questions for Mikey C. You know, just in case Schiff and Cummings are taking requests:

  1. Just how many Peggy Petersons are out there unaccounted for as of yet? We know about Stormy Daniels and Karen McDougal. Exactly how many women did Donald Dickington, ahem David Dennison, pay off during the campaign, either through his buddies at The National Enquirer, or otherwise?
  2. Why'd ya lie to Congress about the timing of the Trump Tower Moscow deal? Anybody at the White House tell you to do it?
  3. Have you ever seen President Sundowner ingest controlled substances and/or participate in falsification of his own medical records?
  4. Did you discuss with Donald Trump the impossibility of building a Trump Tower Moscow without lifting sanctions on Russian state bank VTB? And did Trump know about the plan to "gift" the penthouse to Vladimir Putin?
  5. WTF is really up with Elliott Broidy? How the hell does a guy worth hundreds of millions of dollars wind up represented by a hustler like you in that pregnant playmate payoff?
  6. WTF is really up with Jerry Falwell, Jr? How'd you wind up in the middle of that poolboy hotel deal? Like ... come on!
  7. Come on, you can tell us -- the pee tape is totally real, right?

Gonna be lit! And, BTW, Yr Wonkette is totally available on February 7. In fact, if members of Congress need help at the hearing, we will clear our busy calendar for the whole day.



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Liz Dye

Liz Dye lives in Baltimore with her wonderful husband and a houseful of teenagers. When she isn't being mad about a thing on the internet, she's hiding in plain sight in the carpool line. She's the one wearing yoga pants glaring at her phone.


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