Michael Cohen's Going To F*ck Trump On Live TV Tomorrow, And HE'S BRINGING RECEIPTS

What fun! While Donald Trump is off in Vietnam doing a last ditch effort to save his presidency at his summit with North Korean leader Kim Jong Un, and while all Trump's staffers are not-so-secretly worried that Trump is going to fuck it all up because he has a crush on Kim (he will) and also because Trump is very stupid (he is), something VERY INTERESTING is happening back in Washington DC! Trump's former lawyer thug fixer idiot Michael Cohen has dates to testify before Congress all week long, centering around the main event on Wednesday: public testimony before the House Oversight Committee.

Oh yeah, and Cohen's bringing receipts. You know, in case you are a concern troll like they show on Fox News, and you're wondering how we can we trust Cohen's testimony, when Cohen is a "CONVICTED FELON AND KNOWN LIAR!" We of course refer to Donald Trump Jr., who went on Fox News on Monday to whine that DADDY is in VEE-NAM doing something 'PORTANT, and it's "DISGUSTING" that the "DEMOCRATS" would bring A GUY WHO PROBABLY CHANGED JUNIOR'S DIAPERS WHEN JUNIOR WAS IN COLLEGE to testify, because that guy is DISLOYAL. WAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

(You are envisioning Michael Cohen changing Diaper Don's diapers right now. Haha.)

On top of how the general sense we get from Michael Cohen is that lying to Congress all the time was so last year, he's planning to bring documents and transcripts and receipts and probably pee tapes with him to Congress, so people know he's not fibbin'. Oh yeah, and at this point in Cohen's life, much of what he says will have the benefit of being backed up by court filings from prosecutors in all the cases against him, which by definition means prosecutors have fact-checked what he's told them.

NBC News's Ken Dilanian described what sorts of souvenirs Cohen is bringing for the Congressfolks on "Morning Joe":

"I'm told Cohen has been prepping with this for a long time, and he knows he's got credibility issues, so he's coming with documents," Dilanian said, "and he's got very detailed, sordid and, what (attorney) Lanny Davis has described as chilling stories of how the president conducts himself behind closed doors."

Oh, FUN!

Maggie Haberman augments Dilanian's reporting at the New York Times, saying Cohen is going to talk about Trump being a big racist who lies about how rich he is, and maybe even talk about what it's like to be in the room when Trump commits crimes. Indeed, Haberman's source said Cohen will discuss "evidence of potential criminal conduct since Mr. Trump became president," specifically regarding the continued cover-up over the illegal hush money payments to Stormy Daniels and Karen McDougal, payments Trump made in order to benefit his presidential campaign. When Cohen pleaded guilty to charges related to those payments, he told the judge he did that stuff at the direction of a man we all know as "Individual-1," who is currently the president of the United States.

As far as Russia stuff goes, there probably won't be that much of it, because of the ongoing Robert Mueller investigation and the public nature of Cohen's testimony, but he will obviously address his earlier lies to Congress about Trump's involvement in the failed Trump Tower Moscow project, which was ongoing during the campaign, while Trump was looking the American people in the face and lying and saying he had nothing to do with Russia.

Oh, and the Wall Street Journalsays Cohen is bringing financial statements on Trump. And Haberman's source says Cohen's visual aids will be presented in a way that lets the viewers at home and on Wonkette can see 'em nice and clear. Ayup!

Tell us what your sources are saying about Cohen's testimony, Emily Jane Fox at Vanity Fair!

"Some things that are earth-shattering are right in front of your nose, and the reason you don't know that they're earth-shattering is because they're right in front of you," one person told me.

Should we like ... order pizza for this? We should order pizza for this. And maybe vodka.

From what Wonkette has heard from the pundits on the television, White House aides are nervous about Cohen's testimony, but reportedly happy that Trump is in Vietnam and has more than HAMBERDER EXECUTIVE UNDERPANTS TIME on his schedule for once, which means he won't be able to obsess over Cohen's testimony quite as much as he usually would. Of course, as Emily Jane Fox notes, the very timing of this is likely to drive President Shitmouth crazy, since it will completely overshadow Trump getting pantsed by the North Korean dictator.

Wonkette, of course, will be liveblogging the entire shitshow, and we cannot wait. The Republicans on the committee will scream at Cohen and say "SAYS WHO!" and call him a liar, because we're all supposed to pretend this guy wasn't the president's most true and faithful servant for over a decade. We imagine the Dems will have some fun questions too.

Who's ready for the president to be humiliated on live TV while he's getting fucked on the world stage too? WE ARE, WE ARE, WE ARE!

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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