MICHAEL COHEN, WERE YOU WORRIED YOU WERE NOT IN THE NEWS ENOUGH RIGHT NOW? Jesus, this is worse than when Michael Avenatti was vaingloriously going on TV every day and pretending like maybe he might run for president, because OBVIOUSLY America was just crying out for that.

Cohen, who is currently very busy testifying for Congress and going through the WHAR BOXES of Trump crime evidence in his basement and trying to decide what outfit to wear on the day he reports for prison, decided he needed to do another thing, so he is suing the Trump Organization in the New York State Supreme Court for failing to pay his legal fees -- including unpaid fees from before he started cooperating with all the various investigations into his personal crimes, the crimes he committed at the direction of and for the benefit of Individual-1, and the crimes committed by Individual-1 and other people in the Trump orbit, and also fees from after Cohen started cooperating, all the way up to the present day.

In other words, Cohen is fucking Trump, and he's demanding Trump pay for the fucking Cohen is giving him, as per the terms of the indemnification agreement they signed, what said the "Trump Organization agreed to indemnify Mr. Cohen and to pay attorneys' fees and costs incurred by Mr. Cohen in connection with the Matters," and by "matters" he means all matters arising from his MANY YEARS of work for Trump and the company. Therefore, #PAYTHEFUCKUP.

The suit alleges that the Trump Organization was real slow about paying at all times, and that Cohen had to personally beg Dumbfuck Trump Junior and Dumbfuck Eric to pay up back in 2017. This is a big surprise considering Trump's reputation as a cheap-ass cheapskate motherfucker who doesn't pay his bills. Specifically, though, it says the Trump Organization quit paying in May of 2018, at which point there was still an outstanding balance of $1,037,868.87 owed to Cohen's former law firm McDermott Will & Emery LLP. And because the Trump Org quit paying, McDermott quit lawyering.

But wait, what happened around that time? Well! If you'll remember, Cohen pleaded guilty to MANY CRIMES, including those implicating Individual-1, in the Southern District of New York (SDNY) in August of 2018. It was just months before that we -- and Individual-1 -- started getting signals that Cohen was about to flip like a mofo.

The suit offers a helpful timeline:

  • April 9, 2018 -- FBI does KNOCK KNOCK MOTHERFUCKER on all Cohen's shit.
  • May 6, 2018 -- Rudy Giuliani goes on TV and says don't worry, Cohen's not going to flip. "I don't think they'll be happy with it because he doesn't have any incriminating evidence about the president or himself. The man is an honest, honorable lawyer." HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA THAT AGED WELL.
  • June 2018 -- Cohen starts telling friends, family, random passersby on the street that he gon' flip.
  • June 15, 2018 -- Trump suddenly decides Michael Cohen is not actually his lawyer anymore.
  • July 2, 2018 -- Cohen goes on TV and tells George Snuffleupagus that he's on Team America now, and that Trump can go eat Big Macs in hell.
  • July 26, 2018 -- Rudy Giuliani tells the TV that Cohen is a bad man who has "lied all his life." See what we mean about how the thing he had said two months before really aged well? LOL!

So Cohen flipped, McDermott pulled out, and then Cohen had to hire NEW lawyers, so he could keep defending himself, and also start fucking Trump really hard in earnest. That shit is 'SPENSIVE.

We kind of understand why Donald Trump and his criminal associates might not have felt in their hearts like they wanted to keep paying da bills for Cohen, who was now fucking them, but we also understand how Cohen is saying "Actually our agreement is still in effect, PAY UP, FUCKAS!"

Cohen further notes that in the time since, his total unpaid legal bills are $1.9 million and counting, AND ALSO that because he pleaded guilty and got sentenced, he is having to "pay or forfeit an additional approximately $1.9 million as part of his criminal sentence arising from conduct undertaken by Mr. Cohen in furtherance of and at the behest of the Trump Organization and its principals, directors, and officers. All of these amounts were subject to the Trump Organization's indemnification agreement." In other words, PAY UP.

So that is the general thrust of Cohen's lawsuit, which we have to admit is making us LOL quite a lot.

But will he win? Let's ask a Popehat what that will hinge on:

In other words, is the indemnification agreement even enforceable, considering how Cohen wants to use it to pay for legal expenses, fines and forfeitures arising from HIS CRIMES? The lawsuit claims it is, under New York law.

And what will the Trump Organization do? Let's ask a Popehat!

Well, this should be fun!

Look for your next hot Michael Cohen scoop to drop next time he wants some attention, so like nine seconds from now.


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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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Once upon a time... about ten years ago, a group of entirely ridiculous men burst onto the scene wearing stupid hats and telling men that wearing stupid hats and telling men that walking up to women in bars and insulting ("negging") them would get them laid. This did not last long, as women also had televisions and computers and were completely aware of these tricks as well, so when some ass came up to us in a bar and said "Hey, nice nails, are they real?" we would laugh and laugh and loudly announce "Oh my god, this guy just tried to neg me! Can you believe that shit? HEY EVERYONE, THIS GUY JUST TRIED TO NEG ME!" and then refer to him as "Mystery" the whole night.

Most of the men who tried that shit only did so a few times before realizing that it wasn't going to work, and thus moved on to other things. Perhaps things that did not involve furry hats and coming off as a huge creep. We may never know, because I would assume that those who tried it are now extremely embarrassed and would never, ever admit to this to us.

Still, there were a few men willing to eat that shit up, as well as some grifters willing to take advantage of that. Said grifters tended to be extremely misogynistic and seemed more like they were teaching men how to be as despised by women as they were than teaching them how to actually be liked by women.

Some of them, like Roosh V, a creepy weirdo who actually does live in his mom's basement, actively encouraged men to rape women who were intoxicated to the point of being obviously unable to consent.

However, even that branch of the PUA tree is wilting away. Many "self-help" style PUA forums like Nextasf and RSDnation are shutting down or have already shut down. In March, Chateau Heartiste, a batshit crazy PUA turned White Nationalist/Alt-Right blog was shut down by Wordpress. This week, rape advocate Roosh V (whom you may recall once called yours truly a "Wonkette typist/clown face, would not bang") announced that he was renouncing his PUA ways and devoting himself to Jesus. He explained to the forum he manages that he would no longer be allowing anyone to discuss premarital "fornication."

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'Baby Geniuses' star Jon Voight took to Twitter early this morning to proclaim his undying love for Donald Trump, probably because there is no one left in his life who will listen to him talk about this, or anything else, in person. In this video rant, Voight encouraged members of the Republican Party, whom he apparently thinks are the only real citizens of the United States, to stand by Donald Trump and "acknowledge the truth" that he is the best President since Abraham Lincoln.

Part ONE:

People of the Republican Party, I know you will agree with me when I say our president has our utmost respect and our love. This job is not easy. For he's battling the left and their absurd words of destruction. I've said this once and I'll say this again. That our nation has been built on the solid ground from our forefathers, and there is a moral code of duty that has been passed on from President Lincoln. I'm here today to acknowledge the truth, and I'm here today to tell you my fellow Americans that our country…

Oh no, not our absurd words of destruction!

Part DEUX:

is stronger, safer, and with more jobs because our President has made his every move correct. Don't be fooled by the political left, because we are the people of this nation that is witnessing triumph. So let us stand with our president. Let us stand up for this truth, that President Trump is the greatest president since President Lincoln.

Does Jon Voight not know there have been... other presidents? Can he name them? Because really, it does not sound like it. Does he also not know that a very big chunk of the Republican Party actually does not care very much for Abraham Lincoln? Namely those defenders of Confederate statues that Trump called "very fine people?" Also, did he intentionally diss their beloved Ronald Reagan?

Who can know? Who can even tell what he is trying to say or why he is trying to say it. He doesn't appear to have tweeted much since 2016, so I'm guessing whoever's job it was to keep him from tanking his career quit. Either that... or after filming the seventh season of Ray Donovan, he found out it's going to be canceled or his character is getting killed off or something and he is now free to be a jackass? I don't know, I haven't watched the show, although my parents are very into it and mad that I haven't watched it. Literally all I know about it is that it has something to do with Boston, because they keep mentioning that to me like it's a selling point.

It seems useless at this point to note that the people who scream their faces off about how bad it is for Hollywood celebs to support liberal causes, and how they should keep their politics to themselves, etc. etc. make a way bigger deal than normal people do whenever a Big Time Hollywood Celebrity like Jon Voight or, uh, Scott Baio, supports their cause. Mostly because they're the only ones who have elected a reality TV star and the star of Bedtime for Bonzo (who by the way, also once practically ruined a perfectly good Bette Davis movie with his bad acting. Which is not to say that Dark Victory is not fantastic and probably the best thing to watch if you want to sob your face off, but he was very bad in it.) to run the country.

But we might as well do that anyway, because it actually never stops being funny.

[Jon Voight Twitter]

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