How Many Trump-Russia Treasons Does Michael Cohen Know About? ALL OF THEM, KATIE!

It's a Friday morning in the Trump era, so there are fifty million HOLY SHIT BREAKING NEWS STORIES before breakfast. Let's start with the thing CNN broke Thursday night, which is that Michael Cohen is prepared to tell special counsel Robert Mueller the very shocking news that actually Donald Trump knew about his very stupid son's June 2016 Russian treason meeting in Trump Tower before it even happened. If this is true, then that's ball game on "NO COLLUSION, NO COLLUSION," no matter how many other collusions Trump in fact did with the Russians.

Of course, assuming this reporting is correct and that Cohen is telling the truth -- and why wouldn't he be at this point? -- this means Trump has been lying forever, and that his misshapen dumbass offspring named Junior has too, including in testimony to Congress. According to whatever sources CNN talked to, Cohen was in the room when Trump was told, and Trump specifically gave it the go ahead. Also, there were allegedly other witnesses!

When Trump pal Rob Goldstone approached Junior about the meeting, Goldstone was acting as a middleman for the Agalarovs, the father-son oligarch/pop star duo who threw the 2013 Moscow Miss Universe pageant with Trump. In emails to Junior, Goldstone specifically says they are coming bearing sweet gifts of Russian Hillary dirt, as "part of Russia and its government's support for Mr. Trump." Junior did not bat even one of his fugly eyelashes during that email conversation, and even said, "If it's what you say, I love it, especially later in the summer." If it's true that Junior pulled his pants down and ran upstairs at any time during the set-up for this meeting and first told Daddy, "Look, I did poo poo in the potty like Ivanka does!"and then said oh by the way, he's doing Russian conspiracies in a pathetic bid for Daddy's approval, that means Trump was in on it and is officially part of the conspiracy. That is a YOOGE BIGLY FUCKING DEAL.

And why wouldn't this be the truth? Junior's constant begging for his father's love is welldocumented. Also there is the matter of the curious phone call Junior made to a blocked number between two calls to the Russian conspirators in question. Junior told Congress he does not recall who he called on a blocked number, but guess who had a blocked number? Daddy.

Daddy says Michael Cohen, the very bad lawyer who was probably just the coffee boy, is a big liar:

Here's a statement from Junior's lawyer, which notably does not say "Nuh uh!"

Rudy Giuliani -- ohhhhhhhh, Rudy Giulani! He was special last night. He got right up there on CNN and said Michael Cohen is a big liar from LiarTown, and that moreover, he's been lying for YEARS. We guess that includes the many years he worked as Trump's thug fixer, which we think slightly chips away at Trump's occasional claim that he hires the best people. And as for all those extra witnesses? Rudy Giuliani's talked to 'em. All of 'em! Two months ago, he thinks! He just called up the witnesses and said, "Hey witnesses, is Michael Cohen lying two months from now about this thing?" And they were like "WHAT A FUTURE LIAR!"

Meanwhile, Fox News skipped ahead in the script and just went with "Collusion is #BeBest!"

What a fun news day!

As this is all happening, AP is breaking news that Natalia Veselnitskaya, the Russian lawyer who led the Trump Tower meeting, is much further up the Russian government's ass than we previously knew. Also, Allan Weisselberg, the CFO of the Trump Organization, has been subpoenaed in the Southern District of New York's investigation into Cohen, and Robert Mueller is looking through all of Donald Trump's tweets to see how many extra counts of obstruction of justice he can find there.

Fasten your seatbelts, kids, shit is moving FAST now.

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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