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We know many things about Michael Cohen. We know he's a pathetic waste of space who lives and breathes to obey orders from an even more pathetic waste of space he calls MIS-TURRRR TWUMP. We know he's quite possibly the worst lawyer in the entire US and A. We know he went to the worst law school in the entire US and A. We know he's probably going to prison for a very long time, and it makes us VERY HAPPY.


We've all seen the quote from that time Cohen threatened a Daily Beast reporter (Tim Mak, who's now at NPR) over a story that included details about Trump's first wife Ivana accusing him of violent rape, and then later saying that she didn't mean it literally. It's an insane quote:

“I will make sure that you and I meet one day while we’re in the courthouse. And I will take you for every penny you still don’t have,” Cohen told Mak in the call. “And I will come after your Daily Beast and everybody else that you possibly know.”

“So I’m warning you, tread very fucking lightly, because what I’m going to do to you is going to be fucking disgusting. You understand me?”

SAYS WHO!

But NPR has now released the audio of the whole thing, and it is FUCKING HILARIOUS. Tim Mak calmly listens to the yelping dipshit ranting and raving, and we have to give him credit for not openly giggling on the phone. Have a listen, and below, we will liveblog it like it's happening in real time!

0:01-0:30: Michael Cohen yammers about how Donald Trump is the "FWUNT-WUNNAH for the GOP," a guy who definitely did not rape anybody, and asserts that "by definition, you can't rape your spouse!" Tim Mak is like "Actually!" and notes (calmly) that legal precedent says spousal rape is indeed a thing, and somehow refrains from saying Cohen might know that if he didn't go to Cooley Law School.

0:30 - 1:00: The SAYS WHO over whether you can rape your spouse or not continues, and there are a whole lotta pregnant pauses, we guess because it takes Michael Cohen a long time to form words, because he is dumb. Cohen says there is "very clear case law" that you can't rape your spouse, to which Mak replies that no, that hasn't been the case since 1984.

Having been out-lawyered by a mere reporter, Cohen changes the subject.

1:00-1:30: Cohen protests that Ivana Trump later said she only felt raped "emotionally," which is somehow OK with him, we guess.

1:30-2:00: "ALL I CAN SAY TO YOU IS YOU BETTER TREAD SO LIGHTLY ON YOUR STOOOO-RY! BECAUSE ... I KNOW WHERE YOU'RE GOING WITH IT! BECAUSE ..."

Because?

"TODAY WILL BE THE DAY THAT YOU REGRET!"

Hahahahahahahahahaha, OK buddy!

2:00-2:30: "MARK MY WORDS ... I WILL MAKE SURE THAT YOU AND I WILL MEET ONE DAY, WHILE WE'RE IN THE COURTHOUSE! AND I WILL TAKE YOU FOR EVERY PENNY YOU STILL DON'T HAVE! AND I WILL COME AFTER YOUR DAILY BEAST AND EVERYBODY ELSE THAT YOU POSSIBLY KNOW! DO NOT EVEN THINK ABOUT GOING WHERE I KNOW YOU'RE PLANNING ON GOING!"

He is soooooooo mad! Almost as mad as when known journalism newspaper The Onion wrote a mean article about how everybody will be happy when Donald Trump dies!

3:00-3:30: Michael Cohen will find you and he will sue you and he will be nothing but happy when he does all those things. Also:

"DO YOU WANNA DESTROY YOUR LIFE? IT WILL BE MY PRIVILEGE TO SERVE IT TO YOU! ON A FREAKIN' SILVER PLATTER!"

3:30-4:00: Cohen tells Mak about another person who "WANTED TO DEFAME MIS-TURRR TWUMP," and what happened to them afterward. Tim Mak points out that Michael Cohen's little outbursts are not very productive, now are they?

4:00-4:30: This is when Cohen gets extra special mad and recites the quote above about TREAD FUCKING LIGHTLY and yadda yadda yadda. Have you ever had a phone conversation with a Pomeranian that thinks it's a real dog? NPR reporter Tim Mak has.

4:30 - THE END: Just so much yelling, and you will be doing so much giggling.

We know the FBI seized all kinds of shit in its Cohen raid, likely including recordings of phone calls Cohen made to people in defense of MIS-TURR TWUMP. We just hope the FBI has time to review all the evidence they seized and figure out all the millions of crimes Cohen committed (allegedly!) before they LITERALLY DIE LAUGHING AT IT.

Follow Evan Hurst on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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[h/t Talking Points Memo]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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