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CLEAR YOUR CALENDARS FOR FEBRUARY 7! And then fill them back up with whatever the fuck you want, because Michael Cohen has announced through his lawyers that he is too scared to testify before an open session of Congress that day, citing threats to his family from Donald Trump and Rudy Giuliani.

Wonkette has no reason to believe Cohen isn't being serious here, and NBC News reports Cohen's wife and father-in-law are particularly concerned about their safety if the man who used to call his boss MIS-TURRRR TWUMP goes to Congress and tells the truth this time. Still, we must pause to note that this is the same guy who said this to NPR reporter Tim Mak, back when Mak was at The Daily Beast:

"I will make sure that you and I meet one day while we're in the courthouse. And I will take you for every penny you still don't have," Cohen told Mak [...] "And I will come after your Daily Beast and everybody else that you possibly know."

"So I'm warning you, tread very fucking lightly, because what I'm going to do to you is going to be fucking disgusting. You understand me?"

It's not so fun when the shoe is on the other foot, IS IT, MICHAEL?


Here's the statement from Lanny Davis, Cohen's lawyer:

Trump has made a habit lately of doing as much illegal witness tampering with Cohen as he possibly can, up to and including issuing unveiled threats suggesting Cohen's father-in-law should be investigated. Giuliani has echoed some of that. And we knew last week that Cohen was reportedly worried about his family's safety if he testified. Oh yeah, and the Daily Mail reported last week that Cohen showed up at his New York apartment with what may have been a black eye, after falling down the stairs into some previously scheduled shoulder surgery.

Considering the type of vile garbage human being mobster wannabes Trump and Rudy Giuliani are, we wouldn't be at all surprised to learn they've been threatening Cohen behind the scenes. NBC News spoke to a source who says this is some real shit:

"The threats are real," the source said. "Trump knows what he's doing."

Robert Mueller should really look into that. He might find out that a mysterious man showed up at Michael Cohen's gym and said his daughter was beautiful and it would be a shame if something were to happen to her mom, OH WAIT THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED TO STORMY DANIELS BACK IN 2011 AFTER SHE GAVE A MAGAZINE INTERVIEW ABOUT THE INDIGNITIES OF SHARING CROTCH SPACE WITH TRUMP'S LITTLE MARIO KART DICK AND HIS BIIIIIIIIIIIIIG YETI PUBES.

(That interview never ran. Know why? Because Michael Cohen threatened to sue In Touch magazine.)

Oh look, Stormy Daniels has thoughts:

Donald Trump responded to this development by saying the only thing Cohen has been threatened by is the TRUTH, just like he also said today that Nancy Pelosi can't handle the TRUTH. We guess the president has the truth on the brain, for once! (Also, we don't think he has more than 50 words available in his brain at any given time, so he may have just accidentally said the same statement for Cohen that he said for Pelosi, because he's very stupid.)

As for the Democrats on the House Oversight committee, they're sympathetic to Cohen's fears, but not that sympathetic.

"The general consensus on the committee, for the members I have spoken to, is that we will subpoena him," Massachusetts Rep. Stephen Lynch told POLTICO. He added that Cohen's concern about his safety didn't square with the fact the Capitol and its surrounding office buildings can be locked down to protect witnesses as they come and go.

"We can assure him his safety will be our utmost concern," Lynch said.

House Oversight Committee chair Elijah Cummings and House Intelligence Committee chair Adam Schiff chimed in with a statement, which offered thoughts 'n' prayers, while telling Michael Cohen to GET THE FUCK OVER HERE RIGHT NOW. They also echoed their earlier statements condemning the "mob tactics" of common trash people Donald Trump and Rudy Giuliani:

So RELAX, Michael Cohen! And GROW THE FUCK UP! The only swirlies and wedgies you're going to get if you testify before Congress will come from House Democrats, and they'll happen on live TV. You'll be fine!

At least while you're at Congress. We don't know what those guys will have done to you or your family when you're not in front of Congress. Maybe you guys should just stay in front of Congress 24/7 from now on! It'll be safest.

Oh wait, you have to go to prison in March. Oh well, SHRUGGIE EMOTICON, not Wonkette's problem!

Anyway, it's time for your OPEN THREAD finally, because fuck these news days that never stop.

[NBC News / Politico]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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Hooray, it's time for yet another dispatch from Fox News's big fun week of failure. (No, we mean even more failure than usual.) While all of Twitter is being annoying and talking incessantly about nothing but Bran and Daenerys and Carl and Peg or whoever they are, we have been (ignoring it and) focusing on all Fox's sadness, starting with Pete Buttigieg's town hall, where he called Fox News a piece of shit to its face. Then we laughed and laughed at Fox News idiot Pete Hegseth, who is sending lots of begging to today's college graduates, that they might immediately get dropped on their heads and forget all their education, so they might grow up to be the Fox News viewers of the future.

Oh, and we haven't even had a chance to LOL at the epic hilarity of Steve Doocy trying to do man-on-the-street interviews in Midtown Manhattan, shoving the mic into the faces of New Yorkers who literally don't care if he goes and plays in traffic. That was fun!

But the point of this post is that we have finally learned what makes at least some Fox News viewers tick, and it is that Tucker Carlson "laughs like a girl." That is not us saying that, that is a Fox News fan lady telling the Washington Post's Erik Wemple why she loves Tucker Carlson so much.

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Old White Guys Try To Explain Abortion

Throwing the baby out with the bathwater. It's your Sunday show rundown!

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Michael is out, so I'm taking over your Sunday Show Rundown. This week everyone was talking about those awful abortion laws worming their way through state legislatures. As usual, most of the men were tripping on their dicks while trying to talk about vag. Luckily, there's enough women around to ladysplain things.

Bernie Sanders went on Meet the Press for the first time in FOREVER and played his greatest hits for all the kids. Sanders criticized Joe Biden's environmental policy (which is literally just "beat Trump"), stating that it wasn't "good enough." Sanders is right! (NO FIGHTING.)

SANDERS: Beating Trump is not good enough. You have to beat the fossil fuel industry, you have to take on all the forces of the status quo who do not want to move this country to energy efficiency and sustainable energy.

But then Chuck Todd asked Bernie a loaded question about women getting "sex-selective" abortions and the whole interview went off the rails. Bernie struggled to answer the dumbass question and came across looking stupid despite having spent the better part of the last week in Alabama railing against abortion bans.

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