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Remember that hilarious hearing in December when Michael Flynn was supposed to be sentenced, after finishing his cooperation with special counsel Robert Mueller's office, for which they had recommended he serve no time in prison, but then he didn't get sentenced because Judge Emmet Sullivan was pissed off and had other ideas? Throughout the hearing, Sullivan stared Flynn down and said (slight paraphrase), "YOU SOLD OUT YOUR COUNTRY, YOU TREASON LIAR! WHY SHOULDN'T I LOCK YOU UP AND THROW AWAY THE KEY? LOCK HER UP! LOCK HER UP! MAYBE YOU SHOULD GO BACK TO COOPERATE WITH ROBERT MUELLER A WHOLE LOT MORE IF YOU DON'T WANT ME TO LOCK HER UP FOR A VERY LONG TIME! NOW GIT OUT OF MY COURTROOM AND NEVER COME BACK!"

Sullivan was not amused by Flynn's little PR campaign about how "HE WUZ FRAMED!" by the FBI and tricked into lying to them, because Flynn had no idea it was bad to do that; he was not amused by how Flynn had lied to the FBI while he was in the White House; and he was not amused by how Flynn's Turkish foreign agent buddies had just been indicted in the Eastern District of Virginia (EDVA) for committing the same foreign agent crimes Flynn had committed, and yet Flynn himself was getting to skate on those crimes because of his allegedly very good cooperation. He was pissed about ALL OF IT. After a long back and forth, he finally inveighed upon Flynn to consult with his lawyers about going back and seeing if he could cooperate more in order to avoid having a very heavy book thrown at him. At the end of the hearing, Sullivan said "Happy holidays!" (not a paraphrase) and adjourned until March 13, when a status report was due on whether Flynn has found a way to cooperate a whole bunch more. And today is March 13!

(Sidenote: Not only has the Trump era made us feel like we are going to law school in a very unofficial way, we also are learning exactly what our lawyer friends mean when they say that each judge has his or her own very special unique personality!)

Last night, lawyers for the prosecution and the defense filed their joint status report, because forfuckingonce these ding-dongs got their homework done early. Flynn's lawyers say please give them another 90-day extension, so Flynn can cooperate SO MUCH MORE, because he is a very good boy who knows how to cooperate, and also knows how to share and is just really respectful during playtime. Mueller's lawyers, meanwhile, don't really take a position on that, but note that honestly, he is kinda pretty much done cooperating. BUT THEY NEED TO COOPERATE MORE, say Flynn's lawyers! "OK sure whatever," says Mueller.

In other words, Michael Flynn is so fucking scared of what Emmet Sullivan is going to do to him, and oh my God it's delicious.


In the same joint status report, Flynn's lawyers asked for a 90-day delay in their client's sentencing so he could continue to cooperate with the government in his former business partner's upcoming trial in Alexandria, Va. Flynn expects to testify in the mid-July trial against Bijan Rafiekian, who faces charges of conspiracy and acting as an unregistered foreign government agent for Turkey.

"At this time, the defendant continues to request a continuance since the case in EDVA has not been resolved, and there may be additional cooperation for the defendant to provide pursuant to the plea agreement in this matter." [...]

"While the defendant remains in a position to cooperate with law enforcement authorities, and could testify in the EDVA case should it proceed to trial, in the government's view his cooperation is otherwise complete," Mueller's lawyers wrote.

Like ... Mueller's prosecutors guess maybe he could help more, like if he really wants to? But they don't really need him at this point? But hey, sure, if you want 90 more days, rock out with your cock out, Michael Flynn!

Politico reports Flynn has helped with several cases, both in Robert Mueller's office and also including the one at EDVA against his former associates Bijan Rafiekian (AKA Bijan Kian), the Iranian-American who co-founded the Flynn Intel Group with Flynn, and Kamil Ekim Alptekin, a Not-American Turkish person who is hiding out from American authorities, by living in Turkey. Rafiekian and Alptekin were Flynn's co-conspirators in their weird plan to subvert American policy by working behind the scenes to kidnap the exiled Turkish cleric Fethullah Gülen, who has been happily living in Pennsylvania for years, and send him back to Turkey so Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdoğan can almost certainly have him killed, as punishment for starting a coup against his government that Gülen says he actually did not start. Remember how Flynn wrote an op-ed in The Hill, published on election day 2016, about how we just really needed to send Gülen back to Turkey for a good murderin'? This is that thing.

So we guess Flynn will now be sentenced after that. Depending on how Judge Sullivan feels about Flynn's cooperation at that point, he could give Flynn no jail time, or he could LOCK HER UP, because fuck him.

Wonkette is obviously hoping for the second one, because we are dicks who want to see everybody Donald Trump has ever met in prison.

[Joint Status Report]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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Hooray, it's time for yet another dispatch from Fox News's big fun week of failure. (No, we mean even more failure than usual.) While all of Twitter is being annoying and talking incessantly about nothing but Bran and Daenerys and Carl and Peg or whoever they are, we have been (ignoring it and) focusing on all Fox's sadness, starting with Pete Buttigieg's town hall, where he called Fox News a piece of shit to its face. Then we laughed and laughed at Fox News idiot Pete Hegseth, who is sending lots of begging to today's college graduates, that they might immediately get dropped on their heads and forget all their education, so they might grow up to be the Fox News viewers of the future.

Oh, and we haven't even had a chance to LOL at the epic hilarity of Steve Doocy trying to do man-on-the-street interviews in Midtown Manhattan, shoving the mic into the faces of New Yorkers who literally don't care if he goes and plays in traffic. That was fun!

But the point of this post is that we have finally learned what makes at least some Fox News viewers tick, and it is that Tucker Carlson "laughs like a girl." That is not us saying that, that is a Fox News fan lady telling the Washington Post's Erik Wemple why she loves Tucker Carlson so much.

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Old White Guys Try To Explain Abortion

Throwing the baby out with the bathwater. It's your Sunday show rundown!

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Michael is out, so I'm taking over your Sunday Show Rundown. This week everyone was talking about those awful abortion laws worming their way through state legislatures. As usual, most of the men were tripping on their dicks while trying to talk about vag. Luckily, there's enough women around to ladysplain things.

Bernie Sanders went on Meet the Press for the first time in FOREVER and played his greatest hits for all the kids. Sanders criticized Joe Biden's environmental policy (which is literally just "beat Trump"), stating that it wasn't "good enough." Sanders is right! (NO FIGHTING.)

SANDERS: Beating Trump is not good enough. You have to beat the fossil fuel industry, you have to take on all the forces of the status quo who do not want to move this country to energy efficiency and sustainable energy.

But then Chuck Todd asked Bernie a loaded question about women getting "sex-selective" abortions and the whole interview went off the rails. Bernie struggled to answer the dumbass question and came across looking stupid despite having spent the better part of the last week in Alabama railing against abortion bans.

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