Michael Flynn's New Lawyer Is Baaaaaaaaaaaaaatshiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit
Recently we got news that, not that far off from his sentencing date, Michael Flynn had fired his lawyers and hired a new lawyer, somebody rightwing idiots on the internet seemed to suggest was well-known and badass. Immediately we were thinking either superlawyer Larry Klayman or the stinky-looking husband and wife team of Victoria Toensing and Joe DiGenova, the Fox News idiots Donald Trump hired on Twitter then immediately fired, we think because even stinky-looking Trump thought they looked too stinky.
It is none of those people!
We have to confess we did not know who or what the fuck a "Sidney Powell" is, because we do not consume Fox News like bath salts. But that is who Michael Flynn's new lawyer is, and oh boy, she seems BATSHIT.
This is the pinned tweet on her Twitter:
That's right, you can get her book about the "creeps" who did the Mueller investigation, and then when you're done reading the book, but still feel the need to have the book draped upon your bosoms, you can buy the T-shirt!
Powell's Twitter is a hoot. She RTs people like Michael Flynn's batshit brother and Jack Posobiec, and tags congressmen who sue imaginary internet cows for hurting their feelings.
Yiiiiiiiiiikes. This lady is a wingnut's wingnut.
We do not recommend you scroll too far down her Twitter page, though, because we're scared if you go too far, you will get RED PILLED with the TRUTH of QANON, and then you won't want to read Wonkette no more, because now you would know the TRUTH.
And this lady is now going to enter the courtroom of Judge Emmet Sullivan, who has been just super-jazzed about the hijinks Michael Flynn has pulled up to now. Remember last time Flynn was about to be sentenced, and Sullivan scared so much shit out Flynn's literal actual foreign agent B-hole that he ultimately decided he needed to cooperate with Robert Mueller a whole bunch more, so Sullivan wouldn't lock him up forever? If you'll recall, part of why Sullivan was so fucking pissed off was because Team Flynn was leading a media campaign against the FBI whining that HE WUZ FRAMED! -- apparently because a former lieutenant general who served as the national security adviser (for 11 minutes and 48 seconds, give or take a few days) needs to be told that it's a crime to lie to the FBI.
Sidney Powell apparently believes this too:
HE WUZ FRAAAAAAAAAAAMED!
Besides, what's wrong with secretly working as a foreign agent for another country (Turkey, not Russia) while you're privy to intelligence briefings as the head national security guy on a presidential campaign, then having secret sexxx chats with the Russian ambassador to undermine the sitting president, who just expelled Russian diplomats and levied sanctions in response to the greatest attack on an American election in history, and then lying to the FBI about that? Pffffffffft, that is all very legal and very cool, and if you don't like it, you are probably not a good and smart and patriotic Three Star Twitter lawyer like Sidney Powell.
Powell commented on her new gig to The Hill:
"I'm honored to be representing General Flynn, who I've long considered an American hero. The General and his family want to thank everyone across the country for their cards and contributions to his legal defense fund. He is going to continue to cooperate with the government, pursuant to his plea agreement," Powell told Hill.TV in a phone call.
That is a very professional statement from somebody who sounds like a normal lawyer. Let's look at some phrases that appear in an op-ed Sidney Powell wrote around the time of what was supposed to be Flynn's last sentencing:
"ambush interview of General Flynn by two agents" [...]
"According to California Congressman Devin Nunes" [...]
"Comey just confessed on national TV" [...]
"John Solomon reported" [...]
"Peter Strzok's cell phone" [...]
Lest you think we took those phrases out of context and are using them to unfairly paint Ms. Powell as an idiot, you are free to click on the link and check Wonkette's work, and you will see that literally none of those phrases are preceded or anteceded by words like "If I were a paint-huffing brain hemorrhoid I might believe" or "Want to hear some dumbfuck conspiracy theories I heard when I infiltrated a Devin Nunes cow-swapping party, ALLEGEDLY?"
Also around that time, Powell wrote in the Daily Caller that Michael Flynn was being victimized by the system because he was born a poor black child, or something:
Yes, Flynn entered a guilty plea. But like many others, including a disproportionate number of young minority men who have no resources whatsoever, that does not mean that he did anything wrong. All it means is that he — like so many others — saw no other way out.
As for what this new hire means, we have no idea. Maybe Flynn is going to withdraw his guilty plea and bring a world of pain upon himself, because he is an idiot. Maybe he's just going to start another campaign of HE WUZ FRAAAAAAAAAMED, because that worked so well the first time. Whatever happens, we are sure it will be very amusing to Judge Emmet Sullivan, who has just such a highly developed sense of humor about Flynn's fuckery in his courtroom, and who's been making some mighty interesting moves in the Flynn case the past few weeks, ordering the release of audio of Trump's former lawyer John Dowd on the phone with Flynn's (now former) lawyer, where he oh so gently seemed to be saying mafia-speak about keeping Flynn in Trump's inner circle, implying that maybe if Flynn refused to cooperate with the government, things might go well for him, if you know what he means, "let me see if I can't state it in starker terms," yadda yadda, make you an offer you can't refuse, YOU FUCK MY WIFE, YOU FUCK MY WIFE? And so forth.
If this doesn't work out for Michael Flynn -- and we can't imagine why it wouldn't -- we're pretty sure the only rung left on the ladder of legal dysfunction Flynn could hire would be Orly Taitz, the birther dental lawyer who used to be world-famous on Wonkette, but hasn't been making many peeps lately. Or maybe Taitz and Powell exist on the same rung of the ladder.
Oh well, now we really want Michael Flynn to go the fuck to jail. And from what we can tell from looking at Sidney Powell's legal prowess on the internet, it might happen sooner than we think!
OK, kids, it's time for your OPEN THREAD. If you feel the need to journey into Sidney Powell's Twitter feed, please use the buddy system and bring Cipro in your fanny pack.
[The Hill / Daily Caller / h/t Talking Points Memo]
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