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This is not actually a real story, can you believe it? (Unless it is and we are PSYCHIC.) But anyway, million gold medal-winning Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps is getting married to a lady named Nicole Johnson, and they have a child who is for real named “Boomer.” We, yr Wonket and our brother "Adam," are pretty sure all fights between Michael and Nicole happen because Michael wants to go swimming RIGHT NOW, and it will still be that way when he retires. Here is a transcript of one of their recent arguments, which we and our brother "Adam" made up.

Note: The words of Michael Phelps are the ones in ALL CAPS, because obviously.

The events begin as Michael suddenly springs awake in bed one morning …

HEY NICOLE. KNOW WHY WE NAMED OUR KID BOOMER? BECAUSE I WOULD LIKE TO GO SWIMMING NOW.

Good morning, Michael, how did you sleep?

I WISH I SPENT THE LAST 8 HOURS IN THE POOL THANKS FOR MENTIONING IT, NICOLE. JUST KIDDING, IT WAS OK BECAUSE I SNUCKED OUT AND SWIMMED BEHIND YOUR BACK.

Michael, how are you already eating a sandwich, in bed? Did you sleep with a sandwich in bed? We have talked about this, ugh! Is it even still good after being under your pillow all night?

IT’S NOT AN OLYMPIC SIZED POOL WITH COLORFUL LANES ROPED OFF IF THAT'S WHAT YOU MEAN BY "GOOD" BUT IT IS OK AS SANDWICHES GO. IT IS WET BECAUSE I TOOK IT SWIMMING.

Michael, sandwiches don't belong in the bed OR the pool, what the heck is wrong with you?

(Under his breath) I’LL SHOW YOU. ONE DAY I’M GONNA SWIM RIGHT OUT OF HERE. WITH THIS SANDWICH, WHICH WILL STILL EXIST ON THAT DAY.

Yeah, OK, Michael, we need to talk …

HEY NICOLE. DID YOU HEAR RYAN LOCHTE SAID HE WOULD BE THE ME OF SWIMMING IF I WAS NOT THE ME OF SWIMMING? THAT IS RIDICULOUS, OOH I AM GONNA DO SO MANY CANNONBALLS LATER, WHEN I AM FINALLY SWIMMING.

Michael, that's not even the kind of swimming you do. And aren't you retiring?

NO, NICOLE, MY COACH SAYS I GET TO DO CANNONBALLS TODAY BECAUSE I'VE BEEN GOOD AT SWIMMING A LOT.

Michael, can we talk about something else for just a minute?

BETCHA I CAN PICK UP MORE FLOATY STICKS AT THE BOTTOM OF THE OLYMPICS THAN YOU AND EVERYBODY EVER.

Dangit, Michael! Boomer, remember, we named our baby that? Anyway, he is not sleeping through the night, and I could use some help here.

WHERE ARE MY FLOATIES, NICOLE, I CAN’T SWIM THAT GOOD WHEN THERE IS NOT GOLD MEDALS IN FRONT OF ME.

We are talking about the baby now, not swimming. What do you think would be a good middle name for him? I don’t recall whether or not we gave him one or just called it quits once we came up with “Boomer.”

HOW ABOUT “GOLD MEDAL SWIMMIES IS MY DAD”? OR MAYBE “SWIMOTHY SWIMPSON.”

Michael, "Swimpson" is not your last name and it certainly isn’t mine.

HEY NICOLE. LET’S HAVE A LADY SWIMMER BABY NEXT AND CALL IT “SWIMBERLY.” THE BIRTH ANNOUNCEMENT WILL SAY “SWIMBERLY WILL BE THE BEST SWIMMER OF THE LADIES, BECAUSE SHE LIVES INSIDE A SWIMMING POOL THE WHOLE TIME.”

(Water begins to pour from the ceiling, right onto the bed where Michael is fighting with his Nicole.)

Holy mother of God, Michael we have another leak in the roof! Why does this keep happening? Do you have something to do with this? You do, don’t you? Is this what you mean by "Swimberly will live inside a swimming pool the whole time?"

LOL, I DID THE “LEAK” WHEN YOU AND BOOMER WERE ZZZZZ. WE HAD A “DRY” EARLIER FOR WAY LONG AND I FIXD IT, ISN’T IT NICE TO LIVE INSIDE WATER? NOW GIVE ME ONE HUNDRED FLAPJACKS.

AND THEN THROW ONE HUNDRED MORE FLAPJACKS TO THE BOTTOM OF THE POOL, YOU THINK I WON’T FIND THEM I CAN FIND THEM. YOU'LL SEE, NICOLE.

Michael leaps out of bed to get the flapjacks and the fight is over now. Don't worry, they are not mad at each other and they are still getting married. And he will probably win another gold medal Friday night, at Olympics, so watch that!

Also too, we do not mean to steal the thunder of the very best fan fiction writing that ever happened, called You Can Make It Up. We bow to its continued glory in the Hall Of Fame of Internetz.

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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