Michele Bachmann Didn't Like Joe Biden's Toddler-Snatchin' Gay Zombie Apocalypse Speech AT ALL
We don't want to get ahead of our skis here, but we are worried Michele Bachmann (who still exists) may not be inhabiting the same plane of reality as the rest of us.
We watched Joe Biden's speech Wednesday night. Michele Bachmann watched Joe Biden's speech Wednesday night. It's not that Bachmann has different opinions about said speech. We are just wondering if she watched the same thing we did.
Before the speech:
BACHMANN: This is a fake State of the Union speech,, just like it's my opinion that we're watching is a coup. It's my opinion that the election was irregular, we didn't have a true election result. We had a fake election. We've had a fake presidency. This is a fake State of the Union address.
Oh OK, Michele Bachmann, you bet. Sounds like you just have a really well-formed opinion right there!
By the way, you need to know that before she delivered that quote, she revealed that she is just weapons-grade confused about why they weren't calling it the "State of the Union," because we guess she doesn't realize that the first address by a president after their inauguration is never called the "State of the Union." Never let it be said that Wonkette missed an opportunity to call Bachmann a goddamned idiot.
After the speech:
BACHMANN: With all due respect, it was the invasion of the zombie apocalypse, as far as I'm concerned. [...] It was probably one of the most sad, depressing speeches I've ever heard.
Quite honestly, the word that I have for his speech: It's cruel. What he's intending for the American people, the result is cruel. [...] I think one of the most cruel aspects of what he's proposing is snatching 3-and-4-year-olds out of their parents' arms, putting them in government-run preschools. They'll be learning critical race theory. I've observed this curriculum. I've seen this curriculum that they're planning to use with little 3-and-4-year-olds. It is the LGBTQ curriculum. It is the critical race theory. Our little children will be indoctrinated before they even get to kindergarten.
Michele Bachmann watched the speech! And it was zombie apocalypse! It was SO SAD! And CRUEL! They were snatchin' the toddlers and then there was the critical race theory and the zombies and the LGBTQs and the ... ZOMBIES!
We guess she was talkin' about the section of the Fake State of the Union where Fake President Biden was talkin' about how countries that educate their kids more end up competin' better (Fake First Lady Dr. Jill Biden is always sayin' that), and he said he wants to make sure all the kids get some extra preschoolin'.
Let's go to the transcript and see if we can find the toddler-snatchin' and the zombies:
The great universities in this country have conducted studies over the last 10 years. It shows that adding two years of universal, high-quality preschool for every 3-year-old and 4-year-old, no matter what background they come from, puts them in the position of being able to compete all the way through 12 years and increases exponentially their prospect of graduating and going on beyond graduation.
Research shows, when a young child goes to school — not day care — they're far more likely to graduate from high school and go to college or something after high school. When you add two years of free community college on top of that, you begin to change the dynamic. We can do that. And we'll increase Pell Grants and invest in historical Black colleges and universities, tribal colleges, minority serving institutions. The reason is, they don't have the endowments.
We don't see 'em. Michele Bachmann must be able to see things we can't.
Like, you know ... zombies!
This has been your update on the life and times of Michele Bachmann, God bless her.
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