Michele Bachmann Knows How To Fix COVID, Because Yeah She Does

Awwww, we miss Michele Bachmann. Her batshit was so pure, she shone so brightly, her time ended prematurely.

She's not dead or anything, she was just away from our radar, not mattering. But NOW she matters again, because she not only solved the COVID-19 crisis and laid out the path forward, she also seems to have an explanation for why people are taking to the streets protesting cops murdering Black people. Surprise, none of these things are happening for the reasons you think.

Pandemic caused by big virus? NO.

People angry because cops murdering Black people? NO.

God mad? YES GOD MAD. God mad ... at the Trump administration? YES GOD MAD AT THE TRUMP ADMINISTRATION. God mad specifically at Jared Kushner?


Surprised Kenan Thompson GIFGiphy

Not what we thought it was going to be, to be honest.

Bachmann doesn't say Jared's name specifically, but she is talking about God being extremely displeased with Jared's work product, whether or not she realizes it. (Join the fuckin' club, LORD.)

As Right Wing Watch reminds us, Bachmann is one of those nuttier-than-squirrel-turd people who is very obsessed with the End Times and sees Bible prophecy clues everywhere she looks. And she knows that if you do any malarkey to Israel, that makes God MAD. Jared Kushner is the person in the Trump administration who's tasked with failing to achieve Middle East peace, just like he is tasked with failing to fix opioids and failing to get his father-in-law re-elected.

And, well, Jared released a Middle East plan back in January, and apparently ever since God has been up there on his throne just fuckin' PISSED, man. (You wouldn't like God when he's pissed. Read the book of Job. He's kinda Trumpy, TBH.)

Right Wing Watch has the whole transcript, because buuuuuugfuuuuuuuuuuuck:

BACHMANN: On Jan, 28, 2020, a plan was revealed that envisioned a dividing of the covenant land and a division of Jerusalem. Since that time, we have seen nothing but distress. The Bible speaks of that in Zechariah: Anyone who burdens themselves with a division of Jerusalem will be cut themselves upon a rock. Nations will be destroyed, Isaiah 60 says, if they do not follow the word of God. Messiah will judge nations, Psalms 2:12 says. It's very clear. That's why this warning was given to various high officials prior to the release of this plan. Now warnings are given again that perhaps this distress could be removed from our nation if we would withdraw the maps in this plan that envision the division of the biblical land and the division of Jerusalem. [...]

Jerusalem is an eternal, undivided city and must never be divided. I would call upon the White House to withdraw that plan, and it just may be that the Lord and his grace and mercy may likely lift the distress upon our land even in our time and resume his hand of favor, which was so clear and evident until January 28 of 2020. That is my request. That is my prayer. I love our president. I pray for him daily. I just ask the question: In light of scripture, in light of the day that we live in, could it be that this distress could have in part been caused by this? And could it be that this distress would be relieved if action would be taken to come into conformity with a clear word of God?

OK, wait, Michele Bachmann, all of this is — we hate to say it — a li'l bit kookypants.

Yes, the Trump administration unveiled a "peace plan" in January, and it was mostly crap. And yes, Jared Kushner and his people wrote it. But we are talking about Jared Kushner here. Good Lord, and we mean that literally, does anybody think any deity is sitting up there in the heavenlies, monitoring activity on Earth and going "OH WHOA HEY WHOA HEY, JARED ANNOUNCED A THING! THIS CHANGES EVERYTHING! GET ME MY ROBE AND MY WIZARD HAT!"

Like God's up there stomping around — hey, maybe that is what all those firework sounds are! — like "I am mad enough to COVID the shit out of everyone right now!" Because ... Jared Kushner ... made some maps? And if Jared would put the maps away, God will stop boo-hooing?


If Michele Bachmann's God gets his royal panties in a wad because Jared, the crown prince of failing, came up with a "plan" to "do a thing," if Michele Bachmann's God thinks Jared having a "plan" is going to result in any kind of action, then Michele Bachmann's God is not very omnipotent, is he?

Michele Bachmann, you have not thought this through, but Wonkette did want to say hi and we hope you are well and clownishly batshit as usual.

Having confirmed that, we will now back away slowly.

[Right Wing Watch]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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