Michele Bachmann Pretty Mad Satan Stole Her Vote
Former Minnesota congresswoman Michele Bachmann is still out there in the fringes of the Rightosphere, doing her forever culture war schtick for anyone who'll listen. Over the weekend, she showed up at a "Barnstorm Georgia" event hosted by former Texas state legislator Rick Green (he's a "Constitution coach!"), as well as
Rick David Barton, the one guy almost as bad at history as Dinesh D'Souza, and Barton's offspring Tim Barton, director of Udwurd Scusserhands.
The "Barnstorming" events, disappointingly, include no aerobatic performances at all, and are aimed at drumming up support for "a restoration of Biblical values & Constitutional principles & encouraging people of faith to become Biblical Citizens," or at least some votes for Republican Senate candidates Kelly Loeffler and David Perdue. They've featured in-person or video guests of roughly equal rightwing star power to Bachmann, like Charlie Kirk, Kirk Cameron, and D'Souza.
At a Friday rally at a church in Dalton, Georgia, Bachmann explained it was really important for Christians to get out and vote for the two Republicans in the January 5 runoff, because Georgia's elections were rigged by cheating Democrats who had help from the Prince of Darkness himself. No, not Mitch McConnell, she means SATAN. But she's not gonna let Satan make a "chump of her, because she's too smart to believe Joe Biden won the presidency.
Here she is, making exactly as much sense as she ever did in Congress or while running for president:
BACHMANN: From the political point of view, from the legal point of view, from the moral point of view, America is not on board with Joe Biden as the next president of the United States. We're not there. And the reason why we're not there is because we're not that dumb in the United States because we know, without a shadow of a doubt, this man did not get the votes on election night. It didn't happen. Donald Trump got the votes on election night. So, why would we be like drones, chumps, and fools to go along with this?
How about from the numerical point of view? That seems like the point of view that matters here, what with Biden getting a smidge more than 12,600 votes than Trump in Georgia, in multiple recounts. And for that matter, America seems to be numerically very much on board with Biden's having won the election: While roughly half of Republicans in a November 18 Reuters/Ipsos poll said they believe Trump "won" the election, that still means that the majority of Americans — 73 percent — side with the reality-based community on the election's outcome. Yes, reality is now largely a matter of opinion.
Bachmann also said that at the very moment at midnight, when American Democracy was turning 400 years old (We assume she confused Election Day somehow with November 11, the anniversary of the Mayflower Compact), that was "exactly when Satan was snatching away from America rule by the consent of the governed, in other words, stealing from us the right to vote."
Bachmann didn't specify the precise means by which the Father of Lies actually took away "our" votes. We'd have assumed the webcams for the vote counting rooms might have caught the Angel of the Bottomless Pit at it, but as far as we can tell, the Deceiver of the World mostly worked his evil scheme through counting all the absentee ballots, many of them submitted by Black people. Horrifying!
Bachmann wrapped up by expressing her great indignation that Joe Biden and Satan Himself personally rigged the election: "I am highly offended, insulted, angry, and I'm not going to stand for the fact that my vote was stolen!" That, somehow, was worth a standing ovation from the folks who constantly object to politically correct folks saying they're offended by every little thing.
But this was different, because Satan really is an offensive entity, what with all the vote-stealing. You'd think the Founders would have come up with some way to protect the vote from Old Nick, but apparently they simply never anticipated the threat to America posed by people voting in large numbers for someone other than Donald Trump.
It's your Open Thread! Go, and sin no more!
Correction/Update: David Barton, not "Rick" Barton. I really needed that nap!
Yr Wonkette is funded entirely by reader donations. If you could see your way to donating $5 to $10 a month, we're pretty sure that would keep us from having our servers wiped by Satan.
Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.