Michele Bachmann, Ted Cruz Real Mad John Boehner Said Those Mean True Things About Them

Congress

Former House Speaker John Boehner has written a memoir, On the House, about how much he hated that job and how everyone he worked with was an asshole. It's like Nicholas Pileggi's Wiseguys but with less admirable characters. He called former Rep. Michele Bachmann and Texas Senator Ted Cruz “lunatics," which isn't exactly revelatory. We've seen them talk on TV. Let's hope Boehner's memoir offers more compelling information, like which merlots pair best with failure and regret.

Boehner's trash talk hasn't gone unanswered, of course. Bachmann is real upset because when you insult her, you're actually insulting all Republicans. You remember when Hillary Clinton called the MAGA supporters burning crosses at rallies “deplorable" and the other Republicans warming themselves by the fire took offense? This is more of that classic conservative identity politics in action.


Bachmann ranted thusly on Fox News:

BACHMANN: The fact is when you talk about the elites in Congress, these people aren't us, they're not us, they abhor us.

They're the handmaidens of the rich and the famous, that's why they give get out of jail free cards to people like Mark Zuckerberg and Jack Dorsey.

We point this out a lot, and it's probably tiresome by now. But Donald Trump was “rich and famous" when he ran for president, and Bachmann claimed God “raised" him up to slay the Hillary Beast. (This is true if “God" has a Russian accent and used to work for the KGB.)

BACHMANN: They're actually more like low-level tools working to shill for their post-congressional life, and for people like us, we're considered the lunatics.

Bachmann is considered a lunatic because she fully embraces the lunatic lifestyle. Just last year, she claimed China was going to help Democrats steal the election from the one-term loser with fake ballots in a Minnesota barn.

BACHMANN: I mean, think of how lacking in self awareness do you have to be to call Fox viewers 'lunatics' because that's really what they're doing.

No, Boehner didn't call your racist grandmother a “lunatic." He specifically called out Bachmann. Boehner, like most non-MAGA Republicans, still flatters rank-and-file Republicans and pretends they aren't gullible bigots who were ripe to fall for Tea Party/MAGA bullshit.

However, Bachmann, whose retirement timed nicely with a House ethics investigation, expressed her contempt for Boehner more effectively than Cruz, who sucks at everything. Friday, Cruz retweeted a clip from Boehner's interview on "CBS News Sunday Morning." Apparently, Cruz has yet to learn about the Streisand Effect.

Boehner drags Cruz some more in the interview:

BOEHNER: I don't beat anybody up. It's not my style, except that jerk. Perfect symbol, you know, of getting elected, make a lot of noise, draw a lot of attention to yourself, raise a lotta money, which means you're gonna go make more noise, raise more money, and it's really unfortunate.

It should surprise no one that the same asshole who read Green Eggs and Ham on the Senate floor is one of the least effective members of Congress. He's like a common supervillain, whose big claims to fame — shutting down the government to repeal the Affordable Care Act and objecting to Joe Biden's Electoral College win — hurt a lot of people but ultimately failed.

On "M*A*S*H," Cruz's fictional counterpart Major Frank Burns wondered, “Why does everyone take an instant dislike to me?" Trapper John's response was to the point: “It saves time." But Burns was at least self-aware enough to suspect that something's wrong if everyone hates you. Cruz insists that everyone hates him because he's a principled maverick, who stands up for what he believes even when it's unpopular. No, we hate him because he's the kind of asshole who makes other assholes look better by comparison. Again, this is how Cruz responded to Boehner on Twitter:

The Swamp is unhappy. I wear with pride his drunken, bloviated scorn. Please don't cry.

We're not licensed therapists at Wonkette, but it doesn't seem emotionally healthy to relish others' contempt for you. At least Boehner's epitaph will read “Fun wine drinker guy who insulted Ted Cruz." When Boehner called out Cruz as a do-nothing, attention hog who set the stage for future do-nothing MAGA attention seekers, Cruz couldn't shut him down with concrete examples of ways he's improved life for anyone. No, he can only respond like a snot who spent his high school years stuffed inside lockers.

John Boehner might be a drunken bloviator, but when it comes to Ted Cruz, his bottle of merlot holds many truths.

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Stephen Robinson

Stephen Robinson is a writer and social kibbitzer based in Portland, Oregon. He writes reviews for the A.V. Club and make believe for Cafe Nordo, an immersive theatre space in Seattle. He's also on the board of the Portland Playhouse theatre. His son describes him as a “play typer guy."

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