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MC FLOTUS


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Oh, that Michelle Obama is at it again! She has been the scourge of wingnuts for years now, saying they should be healthy and drink water and eat vegetables instead of whatever cheesy fried butt lard they usually eat. And in that fight, she has had the utter gall to use hippity-hop rap music, which, as Bill O'Reilly and Sean Hannity have explained to us, is low-class and Kids These Days.

Now she's using her nasty-ass rhythms and rhymes to brainwash the children into going to college. Check out MC Freak Nasty FLOTUS, along with her pal Jay Pharoah from "Saturday Night Live":

The Washington Post says, "We will go so far as to say that she is probably the only first lady to have rapped — in public, at the very least." Wonkette rejects that notion and chooses to speculate wildly that Barbara Bush drops wicked beats in her sleep about how bad Jeb Sucks, or maybe about rough sex with foreign dignitaries in the Lincoln Bedroom, we do not know how she spent those four years in the White House.

We should note that if you're the type of person who enjoys spending all day on Twitter when it's beautiful and you should be PLAYING OUTSIDE, you may tweeter out your own #FlotusBars, which are reportedly lyrics rapped by Jay-Z or maybe Fitty, but with the words changed to more accurately reflect something Michelle Obama might say. So, you could take "I got 99 problems but a bitch ain't one" and change that to "I got 99 problems and THEY ARE ALL ABOUT HOW BARACK FARTS IN THE BED AND DUTCH OVENS ME NIGHTLY." Or maybe something different.

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We don't know if Justice Scalia has seen Michelle's latest jam, but we're going to go out on a limb and say he would be very disturbed by her using rap to encourage kids to go to college, since according to him, young The Blacks aren't smart enough for real college. Fuck Antonin Scalia for that, by the way.

Man, Michelle Obama is so great. We are going to be so sad when she is not the queen of planet earth anymore.

[Washington Post]

 

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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Oh hi! Michael Cohen is going to jail, because he is guilty! Just like Paul Manafort is guilty and GO THE FUCK TO JAIL! WHERE HE ALREADY WAS! (Read up on that here!) And all this news came out in the same hour, somehow, because we live in the dumbest fucking episode of "Law & Order" Dick Wolf ever threw on the cutting room floor, on account of how it was too stupid for words.

However, Cohen avoided a big nasty trial (or series of trials, like Manafort opted for) by just cold pleading guilty to a buncha fuckin' crimes, like a crimer who does a buncha fuckin' crimes all the time. And he implicated Donald Trump in a couple of them!

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HOLY FUCK this afternoon! Michael Cohen just finished a hearing in a New York courtroom where he said, "DURRRR I AM SO GUILTY," but this post is not about that. This post is about how Paul Manafort verdict has just come out! He has been found guilty on eight of the 18 charges he faced in the Eastern District of Virginia (EDVA). The jury is hopelessly deadlocked on the other 10, and so a mistrial will be declared on those and Paul Manafort may get to be retried on them, in addition to his next trial over conspiracies against the United States and witness tampering, which starts next month in Washington DC. Maybe the government will decide Manafort is going to die in jail anyway, and play hooky from retrying those other counts. They probably need a vacay, don't you think?

Trump really does hire the best people!

NBC News's Ken Dilanian broke the news that Manafort has been convicted on five counts of tax fraud, one count of failing to report a foreign bank account on an IRS form, and two charges of bank fraud. The short version of that is that he is guilty of EIGHT FEDERAL FELONIES (so far) and he is going to jail for EIGHT MILLION YEARS for each count. (OK, that is probably not completely accurate. But still, welcome to prison, Paul Manafort!)

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