MC FLOTUS

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Oh, that Michelle Obama is at it again! She has been the scourge of wingnuts for years now, saying they should be healthy and drink water and eat vegetables instead of whatever cheesy fried butt lard they usually eat. And in that fight, she has had the utter gall to use hippity-hop rap music, which, as Bill O'Reilly and Sean Hannity have explained to us, is low-class and Kids These Days.

Now she's using her nasty-ass rhythms and rhymes to brainwash the children into going to college. Check out MC Freak Nasty FLOTUS, along with her pal Jay Pharoah from "Saturday Night Live":

The Washington Post says, "We will go so far as to say that she is probably the only first lady to have rapped — in public, at the very least." Wonkette rejects that notion and chooses to speculate wildly that Barbara Bush drops wicked beats in her sleep about how bad Jeb Sucks, or maybe about rough sex with foreign dignitaries in the Lincoln Bedroom, we do not know how she spent those four years in the White House.

We should note that if you're the type of person who enjoys spending all day on Twitter when it's beautiful and you should be PLAYING OUTSIDE, you may tweeter out your own #FlotusBars, which are reportedly lyrics rapped by Jay-Z or maybe Fitty, but with the words changed to more accurately reflect something Michelle Obama might say. So, you could take "I got 99 problems but a bitch ain't one" and change that to "I got 99 problems and THEY ARE ALL ABOUT HOW BARACK FARTS IN THE BED AND DUTCH OVENS ME NIGHTLY." Or maybe something different.

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We don't know if Justice Scalia has seen Michelle's latest jam, but we're going to go out on a limb and say he would be very disturbed by her using rap to encourage kids to go to college, since according to him, young The Blacks aren't smart enough for real college. Fuck Antonin Scalia for that, by the way.

Man, Michelle Obama is so great. We are going to be so sad when she is not the queen of planet earth anymore.

[Washington Post]