Donate

Michelle Obama Is Not a Barbecue Connoisseur, In Case That Was Unclear

News

Last week, our fabulous FLOTUS Michelle Obama sent outa friendly e-mail to all of her gal pals announcing that the Democrats will be having their 2012 convention in Charlotte, North Carolina. Michelle apparently loves Charlotte, because of its southern “charm,” which is the polite way to describe a southern state when you don’t want to go into specifics, because there aren’t any. Unfortunately, the obese fifth grader who types up our FLOTUS’ e-mails has been spending too much time doing Michelle’s workout plan and not enough time researching Charlotte on Wikipedia, and neglected to consider the fact that maybe Michelle Obama doesn't frequently go on North Carolinian cornbread binge sprees, and therefore doesn't actually know where one might find a good order of hush puppies. People are upset.


In her e-mail, Michelle Obama explained why Charlotte is such a great place to have a big librul party.

Charlotte is a city marked by its Southern charm, warm hospitality and an "up by the bootstraps" mentality that has propelled the city forward as one of the fastest-growing in the South. Vibrant, diverse and full of opportunity, the Queen City is home to innovative, hardworking folks with big hearts and open minds. And of course, great barbecue.

America is terribly offended by this e-mail, for several reasons. After all, this is the First Lady who is trying to give out baby carrots in school lunches, instead of traditional American children’s food like Twinkies covered in Go-Gurt and dipped in sprinkles. What could she possibly know about barbecue? Not much, apparently.

In an e-mail congratulating Charlotte, N.C., on being named host city for the 2012 Democratic National Convention, Obama mentioned that Charlotte has "great barbecue." As someone who grew up an hour from Charlotte, I can tell you that few natives would say that. Nobody travels to Charlotte for the barbecue. It might have a good barbecue restaurant or two, but the really good stuff is outside of the city.

But Michelle's total lack of appreciation for Charlotte culture was not even her worst offense.

Michelle Obama is America's No. 1 Food Nanny. Her top priority as First Lady is to end "the epidemic of childhood obesity in America." When she launched that initiative a year ago this month, she announced the creation of letsmove.gov, which provides tips to parents and community leaders on making kids healthier.

Michelle Obama praising Carolina barbecue? That's like Gandhi praising mixed martial arts fighting.

It is exactly like that, except that Michelle Obama would probably not have endorsed Gandhi’s frequent crash diets. Really, our First Lady was probably just trying to win the hearts of our nation’s large population of undecided fat voters. They are, after all, the future. [The American Spectator]

Blair Burke (blairelinor@gmail.com) obsessively follows Michelle Obama's every move for "The FLOTUS Files," which appears every Monday here at your Wonkette.

$
Donate with CC

This weekend, hundreds of people are gathering in Denver, Colorado for the 2018 Flat Earth Conference -- two whole days of people with suspiciously Andy Warhol-like hair yelling "Where's the curve?!?" and talking about ice walls -- and we are missing out! Flat earthers are kind of the best of all conspiracy theorists, because aside from a few fascists and anti-Semites in the mix, they are mostly harmless cranks who just want to feel like they are way smarter than all of the scientists. As far as I know, believing in a Flat Earth, while stupid, has never hurt anyone -- which is honestly kind of refreshing these days!

Keep reading... Show less
$
Donate with CC
Facebook

Every so often on this here internet, we get a hate read that is so perfect, that so aptly encapsulates a particular form of douchebaggery that we all must collectively gasp at it's awfulness and revel in the general repulsiveness of the arrogant human being so lacking in self-awareness that they actually thought it would be a good idea to write such a thing. Today, I bring you such a hate read -- Matthew Binder's A Glimpse Into the Ideological Monoculture of Literary New York.

And yes, it's actually worse than it sounds, if that is possible.

Keep reading... Show less
$
Donate with CC
Donate

How often would you like to donate?

Select an amount (USD)

Newsletter

©2018 by Commie Girl Industries, Inc