Michelle Obama Can Tell Barack's Is Bigger Than Trump's Just By Looking At It

Is everything terrible right now? Yes. Is it a little better than it used to be, though, ever since we BLUE WAVED Donald Trump right in his mini-mushroom dick, with votes? Yes. Will it be WAY better when the Democratic House is actually seated and Robert Mueller indicts the shitfire outta all the Trump assholes? Hell yes it will. WILL TOMORROW EVER COME, AT THIS RATE? Not bloody likely.

So here, while we await joy, is something better to do with your life than read about gross Trump. Watch delightful Michelle Obama videos, from the "Ellen" TV program of jokes and dancing! As you know, Michelle O is out there promoting her book Becoming. You should pick yourself up a copy, if you haven't yet!

We will get the obvious thing out of the way, and it is that Michelle Obama can tell Barack Obama has a bigger one than Donald Trump just by looking, and no, you sick pervert genital brains, we don't mean their dicks. (OR DO WE?)

HAHAHA, you are saying right now. Michelle could tell that Barry Bamz A Lot, AKA her lawfully wedded husband, had much bigger inaugurations than Donald Trump's little bitty one that wasn't very deep or wide at all!

OK, you want more videos, obviously. One thing that's fun about all these videos is that you can actually see that Michelle Obama and Ellen DeGeneres are friends. Aren't you jealous of both of them now?

This clip starts with a story about Michelle Obama's first kiss, one of MANY apparently according to Ellen (we will not spoil the joke), and then moves into an amazing story about Malia Obama going to senior prom while living in the White House. Michelle makes a joke about how she hoped Malia's date's car was "clean" (she meant FROM DRUGS) because hello, you are pulling up to the White House and those security dogs are kinda DICKS.

Man, we miss having normal, well-adjusted and happy people in the White House.

This next clip, you will love it! It is the inside story of the night the Supreme Court ruled on marriage equality, and it involves Michelle Obama and Malia plotting to evade the Secret Service and sneak out of the White House to celebrate with all the people outside. Barack and Sasha wouldn't go out with them because DUMB REASONS.

Ellen askin' questions to Michelle and bein' silly! That is what this clip is about.

This is the longest video of the set, and it is Michelle and Ellen at the Costco, signing books. Ellen makes it all about her, OF COURSE, reading sex scenes that are from Michelle's book (they are not from Michelle's book). Also Ellen helpfully brings Michelle all the products she might need for book signing, like ass cream for ass hemorrhoids.

Then they show their IDs to the cashier so they can buy Corn Flakes for their big afternoon of voter fraud.

One last video! This post has obviously made you very happy and maybe you've even briefly forgotten you live in Trump's America. Well, let's fix that right up and bring the pain back! Ellen's team put together a video about all of Michelle Obama's contributions to America and the entire world, and if it made Michelle Obama cry, it will make you cry.

OK, break from Trump's America OVER.

Mueller better get his shit together, as we don't have that many bullshit "happy" posts in us, TBH.


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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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