Donate

By now, we are all aware of Michelle Obama's "Let's Move!" initiative, the thing where government officials sneak into your children's bedrooms in the middle of the night and steal the donuts from under their pillows, leaving behind a combination of debt and misery. But what we didn't know about was our FLOTUS' top secret weight loss death camp that shehas been running inside her own home: "Four members of the White House residence staff...have lost more than 110 pounds since July 2010." It's all part of her master plan: brainwash the kitchen staff and the rest will follow. Sasha and Malia, eat your Halloween candy while you still can!


While our FLOTUS has been working hard to convince children and Barack Obama that vegetables are in their best interest, she has also been waging some sort of dietary civil war in the actual White House.

Surrounded all day and most nights by delicious cakes, cookies, pies and more, Susie Morrison gave in to temptation too often during long hours at work in the White House pastry kitchen.

But no more.

Never a runner, the assistant pastry chef has finished her first 5K run. When the weather cooperates, she pedals her bicycle 26 miles roundtrip to work. She's eating more vegetables, limiting coffee and drinking up to a gallon of water every day - dietary changes that Morrison says helped her drop 30 pounds from her 5-foot-5 frame in about 18 months.

One person gets most of the credit for Morrison's lifestyle makeover: Michelle Obama.

We can probably assume that Susie Morrison rides her bicycle 26 miles to and from work because Michelle Obama took away her parking spot, for laffs.

Some of Morrison's colleagues are also taking the message to heart - and the proof is in their waistlines.

Assistant chef Adam Collick cut out hundreds of calories by eliminating a daily coffee fix - three 20-ounce cups topped with whipped cream drizzled with chocolate syrup.

"Once you see the changes in your body and the way you feel, it's going to make you want to keep doing it," said Collick, who became a de facto coach to colleagues battling the bulge. The 25-year veteran of the White House kitchen helped motivate them to stick with their programs or get back on track after they'd overdone it a little.

This is Michelle Obama's warning to the world. Now that she has conquered the White House kitchen, we are all next! [AP]

$
Donate with CC

This weekend, hundreds of people are gathering in Denver, Colorado for the 2018 Flat Earth Conference -- two whole days of people with suspiciously Andy Warhol-like hair yelling "Where's the curve?!?" and talking about ice walls -- and we are missing out! Flat earthers are kind of the best of all conspiracy theorists, because aside from a few fascists and anti-Semites in the mix, they are mostly harmless cranks who just want to feel like they are way smarter than all of the scientists. As far as I know, believing in a Flat Earth, while stupid, has never hurt anyone -- which is honestly kind of refreshing these days!

Keep reading... Show less
$
Donate with CC
Facebook

Every so often on this here internet, we get a hate read that is so perfect, that so aptly encapsulates a particular form of douchebaggery that we all must collectively gasp at it's awfulness and revel in the general repulsiveness of the arrogant human being so lacking in self-awareness that they actually thought it would be a good idea to write such a thing. Today, I bring you such a hate read -- Matthew Binder's A Glimpse Into the Ideological Monoculture of Literary New York.

And yes, it's actually worse than it sounds, if that is possible.

Keep reading... Show less
$
Donate with CC
Donate

How often would you like to donate?

Select an amount (USD)

Newsletter

©2018 by Commie Girl Industries, Inc