Michelle Obama’s Communist Army Invades Wal-Mart

The president of China was in town last week, and the Obamas had a fancy-shmancy dinner and invited all their favorite Chinese people, like Michelle Kwan andB.D. Wong. There was lobster and apple pie and no John Boehner, so it was probably very lovely, no? Wrong! First of all, the representation from Hollywood included Yo-Yo Ma and Barbara Streisand -- boring! If the Obamas were really keeping up with the 21st century they would have invited Justin Bieber and the Kardashians! But more importantly, Michelle Obama wore a red dress, so bring your American flags to the nearest trash can fire and start practicing how to say "birth certificate" and "9/11" in Chinese because it’s all over. Even Wal-Mart is giving up being American.

We love our FLOTUS, but she should know by now that in exchange for all the money they have given us, the Chinese now own the color red, forever. Wearing red therefore makes you a communist, and wearing red in the presence of the president of China makes you a double communist. Even the snobs at Vanity Fair agreed, sort of. But maybe we should be less concerned with why Michelle Obama is dressing like a communist, and more worried about why she is acting like such a communist.

Wal-Mart, the nation's largest grocer, says it will reformulate thousands of products to make them healthier and push its suppliers to do the same, joining first lady Michelle Obama's effort to combat childhood obesity.

The first lady accompanied Wal-Mart executives Thursday as they announced the effort in Washington. The company plans to reduce sodium and added sugars in some items, build stores in poor areas that don't already have grocery stores, reduce prices on produce and develop a logo for healthier items.

The logo will probably be a picture of a fat child crying as Michelle Obama steals all his chocolate/hamburger-flavored sodium cereal. America is really outraged about all of this, because how do you think Michelle Obama got Wal-Mart to agree to put slightly less edible poison in its foods? She went to Bill Simon’s house in the middle of the night and held him at gunpoint, or something.

The nation's largest retailer plans to reduce sodium by a quarter and cut added sugars in some of its private label products by 2015. It also plans to remove remaining industrially produced trans fats. The foods Wal-Mart will concentrate on our products like lunch meats, fruit juices and salad dressings, items that contain high levels of sugar or sodium that consumers don't know they're ingesting.

Au contraire, Americans definitely know that they are ingesting these things, and they are quite fine with it, thank you very much. At least there are a few years before any of this will come to fruition, so Americans can stock up on all the sodium and trans fats they want before everything moves to the diabetes black market. [HuffPo]

Blair Burke (blairelinor@gmail.com) obsessively follows Michelle Obama's every move for "The FLOTUS Files," which appears every Monday here at your Wonkette.


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