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Michelle Wolf Was Fucking Fabulous And Transcendent At The White House Correspondent’s Dinner, So Shut Up

Trump

Donald Trump did not attend the White House Correspondent's Dinner last night, for the second year in a row. He chose, instead, to have a rally of his own in Michigan like a big baby. He likes PRAISE, ok?


But even so, he had some thoughts on the dinner's host, Michelle Wolf, and expressed his desire to replace her with... Fox News personality Greg Gutfield.

Greg Gutfield is, for the record, not a comedian. Or funny.

Wolf, however, was wonderful and hilarious. She roasted the entire administration beautifully, she dragged the media for being complicit, and she ended the whole thing by saying "Flint still doesn't have clean water." It was perfect. I could not have asked for anything more.

Seriously, watch the whole thing.

There were lots of jokes about Trump being very broke, and Kellyanne Conway and Ivanka being terrible and Sarah Huckabee Sanders being Aunt Lydia from The Handmaid's tale. I especially liked this Ivanka jab.

“She was supposed to be an advocate for women, but it turns out she’s about as helpful to women as an empty box of tampons. She’s done nothing to satisfy women. So I guess, like father like daughter.”

Truer words!

Of course, Trump is not the only one who has a bug up his ass about Michelle Wolf's comments. Anti-PC conservatives have suddenly forgotten their entire ethos in order to rail against Wolf for having been too mean and hurting everyone's feelings and wanted the WHCD to apologize POST HASTE. It's all fun and "fuck your feelings" until someone comes for Sarah Huckabee Sanders!

I like how upset they are that the ELITE comedian came for poor commoner, Sarah Huckabee Sanders.

Saying my daughter is a liar is JUST LIKE racism.

Sure, you can say that. It's not funny, but you can say it.

It sure is weird how one moment the Right is all "SJWs who don't like rape jokes are murdering comedy! SNOWWWWWWWWFLAKES!" about shit, and yet somehow they don't like it when comedy comes for them. Or, in the case of Donald Trump, cannot name an actual comedian. Oh, how they hate "political correctness" and "safe spaces" until their own feelings are hurt. Or until they are hungry for Freedom Fries.

This only proves my point that anger at "political correctness" from conservatives has always, first and foremost, been about protecting the delicate feelings of those who think they ought to have the right to demand people laugh at their bad racist jokes and never tell them they are being assholes. They don't care about the First Amendment or free speech, they care about getting to be huge assholes without anyone ever pointing that out. Which is why you don't see them joining the ACLU all that often.

Of course, conservatives were not the only ones upset about how mean Michelle Wolf was to poor Sarah Huckabee Sanders. A variety of beltway journalists and pundits also scrambled to find a way to come to her rescue -- being that they have to work with her and all. The thing they settled on is claiming that Wolf said something truly, truly horrible about Sarah Huckabee Sanders appearance. Just like a common Trump.

Here is that thing.

“Sarah Sanders burns facts and then uses them to create the perfect smokey-eye. Maybe she’s born with it, maybe it’s lies. It's probably lies.”

I will give you a moment to fetch your smelling salts.

This Sanders stanning did not go over too well on the Twitter machine, when people pointed out that every one of these assholes has said worse things about people than "they do a perfect smokey eye."

This may seem petty, but I feel like I need to point out that Sarah Huckabee Sanders does not even do a smokey eye. I should know, because I do and I happen to be really good at it. If you want to really insult me, don't tell me I do I perfect smokey eye, because I will just say "Yes, I do! It helps to have super deepset eyes that make everything kinda smudgy anyway, but I will take the compliment nonetheless! I highly recommend Smashbox smudge pot and Stila eyeshadow and mascara."

If that were an actual sexist drag on her actual appearance, I would be the first one lining up to be all "Woah, uncalled for!" But it was a joke about her being a liar. Which she is! Yes, she was sitting around looking miserable while she was being roasted, but because she was being called a lying liar and an Aunt Lydia, not because Michelle Wolf said her make-up was great.

There's a ridiculous double standard for what is "outrageous" for the Left to do or say, and what is "outrageous" for the Right to do or say, which at this point is practically nothing. Apparently, we are supposed to be super nice and courteous to them, and give them platforms and not make fun of their lies, while they get to say any ol' vile thing that pops into their head. Trump says Nazis are "good people," Kevin Williamson can say he wants 1/4 of the women in this country hanged, and not publishing him is "censorship," but a comedian can't compliment Sarah Huckabee's Lieliner? That doesn't quite seem fair to me.

Michelle Wolf did a great job, and she got to call Sarah Huckabee a liar to her face. She lived the dream and good for her.

[C-SPAN]

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Robyn Pennacchia

Robyn Pennacchia is a brilliant, fabulously talented and visually stunning angel of a human being, who shrugged off what she is pretty sure would have been a Tony Award-winning career in musical theater in order to write about stuff on the internet. Previously, she was a Senior Staff Writer at Death & Taxes, and Assistant Editor at The Frisky (RIP). Currently, she writes for Wonkette, Friendly Atheist, Quartz and other sites. Follow her on Twitter at @RobynElyse

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You guys, hi, hello, it is almost the holiday weekend, so we are going to share you a real video posted last night by "Doctor" Sebastian "Don't Call Me A Nazi" Gorka, that hilarious old knucklecuck. We guess now that he had to give up (or gave up voluntarily!) his Fox News contract, he just makes videos for the Twitter. Hoo ... ray?

Anyway, Gorka is super-excited that Donald Trump issued that order last night, giving Bill Barr all kinds of new powers to expose the Deep State for what it is and PROVE once and for all that the gremlins who live inside Trump's diarrhea are correct when they say Hillary ordered the Deep State to do an illegal witch hunt to Trump, yadda yadda yadda, you've seen these people huff paint before, we don't have to type it all.

Here is the video, after which Wonkette will either transcribe it OR we will provide our own dramatic interpretation. Which one will it be? We don't know! Would you be able to tell the difference between the two? We don't know!

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We want to say right here at the outset that we hate Julian Assange. Aside from the sexual assault allegations against him, and aside from the fact that he's just a generally stinky and loathsome person who reportedly smeared poop on the walls at the Ecuadorian embassy in London, while reportedly not taking care of his cat, an innocent creature, he acted as Russia's handmaiden during the 2016 election, in order to further Russia's campaign to steal it for Donald Trump. All signs point to his campaign being a success!

So we are justifiably happy when bad things happen to Julian Assange. We are happy his name is shit the world over, and that any reputation WikiLeaks used to have for being on the side of freedom and transparency has been stuffed down the toilet where it belongs. We are happy he looked like such a sad-ass loser when the Ecuadorian embassy finally kicked him out and he was arrested.

And quite frankly, we were OK with the initial charge against him recently unsealed in the Eastern District of Virginia. If you'll remember, he was charged with trying to help Chelsea Manning hack a password into the Defense Department, which is not what journalists do. Journalists do not drive the get-away car for sources. Journalists do not hold their sources' hair back while they're stealing classified intel. Assange is essentially accused of doing all that.

Now, put all that aside. Because -- and this is key -- journalists do publish secrets they are provided by sources. That's First Amendment, chapter and verse, American as fucking apple pie and fast-food-induced diabetes. And that is what much of the superseding indictment of Assange unsealed yesterday was about. (And nope, it wasn't about anything regarding Assange's ratfucking the 2016 election or Hillary's emails. Why would the Trump Justice Department prosecute anything about that? It's all about the older Chelsea Manning stuff, the stuff the Obama Justice Department considered charging Assange with, but ultimately declined, because of that little thing called the First Amendment.)

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