Because it is a day, here is a story about a bigot who needs you to know that he, as a white male (reportedly) heterosexual, is being oppressed, because gay people exist. Introduce yourselves to Brian Klawiter, owner of the Dieseltec auto repair shop in Grandville, Michigan, who took to the FaceSpace on Tuesday morning to say he's sick of all these gays, and that if one of them has a diesel truck and comes in looking for a lube job, HE AIN'T GONNA GIVE IT! Let's take a looksee at the various parts of his Very Well Constructed Word Thoughts, and see if we can learn something:

In this first part, we learn that conservative white people are (duh) victims, and their freedom of speech is being trampled upon. Brian Klawiter knows this, because of the way his Facebook post is going viral and people on the internet are making fun of him. But we also get a sweet taste of that idiot boy mindset that says that conservative white dudes like Klawiter are the REAL Americans, and those liberals need to "earn" the right to be treated equally. But don't call him a racist bigot! Remember, he is the victim here.

Give us more knowledge!

YAY GUNS, BOO FAGS! And also "boo cops," sort of? But here we learn that Klawiter is very funny, as he made a seventh grade-level joke about nuts and bolts and how he will fix your gay truck wrong, just to teach you a lesson about how penises are not supposed to go in butts. "Oh no," the gays will say, "that ginger man at the repair shop has made our truck fall apart, gay sex is ruined forever!"

Give us a complete non sequitur about how you're not racist, and spell it wrong:

YOU ARE THE REAL RACIST(S), for thinking he is the real racist. Wait, we thought we were talking about fags and how Klawiter is definitely NOT interested in jiffying them with lube. We have been fully schooled, we will now go cry to our mommy and daddy and get smacked.

Klawiter told WOOD-TV (heh heh) that if you are a gay and you keep it to yourself, he will get down under your hood and tweak the spot that needs fixin', but that "if you want to come in here with your boyfriend and you want to openly display that, that's just not going to be tolerated here." So wait, we think we get it. If you are a closet case, or if you simply don't mention your faggotry, you are fine. But if you come in, like gays ALWAYS DO, and say "hey, mechanic, while you're working on the truck, we're gonna buttfuck in the backseat if you don't mind," then THERE WILL BE A PROBLEM.

WOOD-TV points out that, sadly, there is no Michigan law protecting LGBT people from this kind of discrimination, and the town of Grandville doesn't have an ordinance either. So you end up with a situation where, in Midland, Michigan, openly gay newspaper editors are allowed to throatcram the town with their gay agendas and the nearby Planet Fitness revokes the memberships of asshole ladies who can't stand the thought of being in the same room as a transgender person, but in Grandville, you get to deal with shrunken dicks like Brian Klawiter.

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Anyway, guess it's time to set up his GoFundMe, so he can become a martyrdom whore and get rich off the sweet, luscious bigot cash that is now apparently the prize you get for bitching and moaning about how much you hate queers. America!

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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Yesterday afternoon, 45-year-old Gary Martin of Aurora, Illinois was let go from his job at the Henry Pratt Company, a factory that manufactures water valves. In response, he took out a pistol with a laser scope and began shooting at random. He killed five people and injured six others who were just trying to make it through the day at the water valve factory, and then the police killed him.

His mother said he was "stressed out." He "seemed fine" according to the clerk at the Circle K where he bought his cigars that morning. His neighbor thought he was a nice guy. Some people were surprised, others were not.

This kind of thing used to be shocking, but it's a story we're used to now. It gets repeated at least once a month. It's just what happens now, and we can't do anything about it because we can't do anything about gun control. This is, the Right has decided, just the price we all have to pay so they can stockpile guns for funsies, and take sexy pictures of guns shoved in their pants. This is the blood that waters their special tree of liberty.

It's fucking exhausting. And stupid. We shouldn't have to live this way. No one should have to live this way. But we do. Why? Because some day some yahoos might want to overthrow the government, which is (of course) a completely legal thing to do, and their "right" to do that must be protected. So it's literally just never, ever going to stop.

Gary Martin, like most other mass shooters, also had a history of violence against women. In 1994, in Mississippi, he was convicted for stabbing one. He should not have been able to get a gun after that. I would like to know how and why he was able to get that pistol with the laser scope that he killed five people with yesterday afternoon. Maybe someone gave it to him. Maybe he bought it somehow. Maybe someone forgot to do a background check. Maybe he bought it from someone who didn't have to do a background check.

I am so goddamned tired of writing this article. I am out of things to say.


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That's right, Wonkers, while we're all up here in America dealing with the terribleness, your Editrix and her fambly are in MEXICO AT THE BEACH, where they will probably stay for a little while longer or maybe they're never coming back SHRUGGIE EMOTICON. But that's OK, they deserve some time to be AT THE BEACH in MEXICO, oh no, don't get NATIONAL EMERGY CARAVANNED!

Yeah, so it's time to count down your top ten stories of the week, like we do on Saturday mornings. Shall we? WE SHALL.

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