Michigan Covidiots Will Be Getting Bad Haircuts Together To Protest The Lockdown
Last month, a whole bunch of people gathered in Madison, Wisconsin for a lockdown protest. Just a few weeks later, 72 people who reported "having attended a large event" in Wisconsin tested positive for COVID-19.
In New York City this week, a barber who had been giving underground haircuts during the lockdown also tested positive for the virus.
In Michigan, the geniuses of the Michigan Conservative Coalition — the same ones who organized "Operation Gridlock" — are planning another anti-lockdown protest for this coming Wednesday that they are calling Operation Haircut. This will entail a bunch of barbers and hair stylists standing on the lawn of the State Capitol building in Lansing and giving out free haircuts, in order to protest the fact that haircuts are not considered an "essential" service. The rally was inspired by barber Karl Manke's defiance of the stay-at-home order, which resulted in the loss of his license.
Their official statement, via WXYZ:
"Michigan's small business owners are patriotic and law abiding citizens, but enough is enough. Our Governor's actions show every day that this is no longer about the China virus. Her actions show this is now about a progressive radical agenda," said Marian Sheridan, a co-founder of the Michigan Conservative Coalition. "Dope shops are open, abortion mills churn on, but barber shops are, somehow, unsafe. Show us that 'science' Governor!"
"Operation Haircut is designed to demonstrate the insanity still rampant in Lansing," said Sheridan. "Michigan needs to be reopened now to end the reign of Michigan's power hungry bureaucrats."
We can assume that by "dope shops" they are referring to legal marijuana dispensaries, which are allowed to have curbside pick-up or delivery during the lockdown. They get to remain in operation because they're not really putting anyone in more danger than they would be going to the grocery store, and because many people actually need marijuana for medical reasons. An abortion is "essential" because it is a medical procedure, and not the kind one can exactly put off.
Barber shops are unsafe because they involve people standing closely to each other for long periods of time for a reason that is not really all that important. I mean, I get it. I would also like a haircut. I have bangs! I am starting to look like a brunette Sia. But like, bobby pins exist and I can use them and so can these people. I'm not going anywhere fancy anyway, so it would be pretty stupid to waste $80 on a haircut when the only people who have to look at me without a mask on are members of my immediate family. I have no one to impress. This is a perfect time to not spend money on that shit.
The statement continues:
"Citizens are tired of being treated like babies," said Meshawn Maddock, Chair of the 11th District Republican Committee. "As adults, we know what needs to be done to stay safe. Any citizen has the right to participate, or not participate, in Operation Haircut. Lansing elites love to tell everyone else how to live. That is not freedom. Citizens are fed up. Join us in Lansing on May 20. Get a free haircut and then let's get Michigan back to work, before it is too late."
Oh no, not the Lansing elites!
Obviously, these people are not adults who know what needs to be done to stay safe, because of how all of them keep getting COVID-19 and subsequently Typhoid Mary-ing the grocery store. It's not about keeping the people who want to defy the orders safe. I don't care about them — no one does. If Meshawn Maddock wants to take some cutting shears and stab herself in the face with them, that is so not my business. Would I recommend it? No, of course not. I am not a sadist. But I also would not stop her because adults should generally be allowed to self-destruct so long as they are the only ones getting hurt (and also because that doesn't seem like the kind of thing that would end well). If she stabbed someone else in the face with the shears, then we would have a problem.
And that's what this is. It's unclear why they have a hard time wrapping their heads around this.
This is shallow and probably extremely beside the point — but those haircuts are probably gonna come out real bad. Like, you're not even supposed to cross your legs when you get your hair cut, so it doesn't come out crooked. How is sitting on a lawn gonna work out? Also — are hair stylists that don't care about COVID-19 gonna be toting any Barbicide along with them? I doubt it! It would probably spill all over the place, because lawns are not very stable places.
So probably these people are gonna wind up with a crooked haircut (and not in a cute Vidal Sassoon kind of way), coronavirus and MRSA. Freedom!
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Robyn Pennacchia is a brilliant, fabulously talented and visually stunning angel of a human being, who shrugged off what she is pretty sure would have been a Tony Award-winning career in musical theater in order to write about stuff on the internet. Follow her on Twitter at @RobynElyse